Wait, what.

Insects Make Me Want to Die

I started to write this for HelloGiggles, but I can’t get through it without using a lot of swears. I really can’t.

I have 7 mosquito bites on me, including one right in the middle of my forehead. This means mosquitoes touched me at least 7 times. This means between one and 7 mosquitoes touched me, then pierced my skin with that awful needle-like proboscis and took my blood. They took my blood from me! For the first time in my life I am now getting offended over that. That’s my fucking blood, man. I made it.

I was lying on my stomach, Internettin’ in bed the other day. When this is done in movies, the people always look so cool and casual. When I use my laptop lying down in bed, I feel like like a mentally handicapped Orca or something. I feel gross, but does that stop me? No, of course not.

Anyway, I was lying down and I wasn’t wearing a shirt because I had just gotten out of the shower — TMI, I know, but it’s relevant. Because a giant black carpenter ant fell onto my back. My fucking bare back. My fucking freshly showered skin was ruined by that goddamned piece of Satan. I still can’t believe it happened to me. I can still feel the solid plop as it’s half inch long body fell from the ceiling onto my back. I want to die, I want to be dead.

This weekend, in New Hampshire, I encountered a lot of bugs because that’s all New Hampshire is. It’s diners and bugs and mountains and lakes. It’s where I encountered the mosquitoes. The first day I woke up there, I was in and out of a half-sleepy state for about an hour. It was glorious. I’ve never felt more at peace in my life. Then, I noticed a tickle on my forearm. I picked it up and the biggest black bug I’ve ever seen on me was… on me. I sharply inhaled as I threw off the blankets and ran downstairs. I didn’t sleep in that bed the next night.

About an hour ago, I was peeling apart a piece of packing foam just because. No reason at all. I find deconstruction like that soothing. I like taking a piece of paper and ripping it into as many small piece of paper as I can. I know, it’s weird, whatever. While I’m peeling the foam, I noticed out of the corner of my eye… another giant black carpenter ant. I remained calm as I took a piece of the packing foam, wrapped it around the ant and it popped. White goo spurted out of it and all over the foam. I was so grossed out that I accidentally dropped him… and he continued to walk on my bed, white goo coming out of his abdomen. I asked out loud, pleadingly, “why is this happening to me?” as I  picked him up again. In my haste, I got a streak of white goo on my right ring finger.

I looked at it and gagged. I gagged. I’ve never done that on sight of something alone.

An earwig was killed in my bedroom too. It’s been in the past few days. I can’t be bothered to remember which one. And a spider on the wall. I fucking want to die. This is fucking terrible.

What’s up? What are you doing? Me? Oh, I’m just sitting here, thinkin’ about a girl asking a guy to talk dirty for her, and then he opens up his mouth and an endless projection of dirt shoots out of his mouth like a wood chipper, ultimately burying the both of them in a bedroom.

Just a Wednesday night alone.

Adz

Lijit Ad services contacted me after I wrote about how Google Adsense shut down their service with me and consequently ruined my life because I swear too much or talk about Jon Hamm’s dick not enough or something. I think that was it. “Dear User, we regret to inform you that your services through Google Adsense have been terminated. You neglected to adhere to stipulation 4.24.11, which states that each user must talk about Jon Hamm’s dick 3 times per month.”

This was months ago and I just got around to installing it because I’m a lazy bum.

Please let me know if you have any problems with the deal. I don’t give a fuck about the aesthetics of my blog and I don’t think it’s noble to not put an ad up. if I can make $15/month for doing absolutely nothing, I’m going to do it. That’s like, 6 black iced coffees a month for free.

What I do care about is it impeding your reading in any way. God forbid you miss my iThoughts on cantaloupe or something. So if there is any audio, if it gets in the way of the text of the blog, or whatever… let me know.

I think it’ll be fine. Lijit Ads seem like a great company thus far.

Life is weird.

That’s one of those sentences that mean nothing to you when it comes from another person. But when the sentiment of “life is weird” creeps into your life and settles around you like the pollen in New England infiltrating screened windows during the early summer months, it feels different. It rests heavy in your stomach like the bowling ball you feel when you awake from a nightmare. Reality is hazy, imaginary feels more real; you check the back of your hand for the gunshot wound you know doesn’t exist but you’re not entirely convinced of that until you see it with your own two eyes. Because two minutes ago, you saw that bullet rip through the flesh. You saw it with your own two eyes. It was as real as anything.

Life is weird and sometimes I wonder if there is a certain amount of sadness and disorder that has to exist in the world. There’s a quota that has to be met constantly, and the second you’re happy you will find you haven’t gotten rid of that anger and sadness completely. Like energy, it cannot be created nor destroyed. The Universe has only shifted it and now, yes, you are happy for the moment. Try and cling to it as tight as you can while you watch your friends and family suffer. They serve as a reminder of what you try so hard not to be and what you know you will become in only a matter of time.

One time I was super nervous around someone because I am super nervous around everyone. I hold everyone up on this pedestal that I feel I can never reach and it makes me wonder why they would even choose to converse with me.

This person ended up spitting while they talked and some of it landed on my lip. I was only 5% grossed out because I was too busy being 95% relieved because — oh right, everyone is human.

“How can he dump me?” she wailed to her friend. “I straightened my pubic hair for him and everything.”