Thank you, ucbcomedy, as I’m assuming this means that you agree I have good jokes, fun words, will now have free access to any of your shows and also somehow you have the power to make all of the guys at those shows flirt with me in a real gentlemeny way that shows respect but also is about paying for my booze. 

Thank you, ucbcomedy, as I’m assuming this means that you agree I have good jokes, fun words, will now have free access to any of your shows and also somehow you have the power to make all of the guys at those shows flirt with me in a real gentlemeny way that shows respect but also is about paying for my booze. 

andersn

oh my god. 

I don’t often (any more) get violent day dreams, but I’m three hours into a 4.5 hour bus ride back to New York and the guy right behind me has been on the phone the entire FUCKING time.

Fucking autocorrects to FUCKING on my phone. Huh.

As soon as someone manages to hang up and stop his inane dribble of words, he calls up someone else. He tells them the same things he told the other people.

He is one of those people who says a thing, and then says it again with different words.

Real life examples I have gleamed during the moments I take out my headphones to bask in my anger (there is something so NECESSARY about basking in righteous anger):

"It’s bumper to bumper traffic. We’re at a standstill."

"We are on an overpass. We’re going over other roads."

"They were there for three days. 72 hours."

"No one really complimented him. No one said ‘oh, Dylan, those are nice pants.’ ‘Oh, Dylan, your hair looks nice."

'He's on a new fad diet where he only drinks 350 calories a day and walla everywhere. He's starving himself.”

"They were in closed quarters. They wer cramped."

"The stir fry was awesome. It added a lot to my soft taco. It was good."

He is still on the phone. The last two were from right now.

I’m going to murder him. I’m going to knife him.

I’m going to rip out his intestines. I’m going to disembowel him

I’m going to scalp him. I’m going to take his head skin off.

Holy shit. He’s never going to stop.

Live blogging my nervous breakdown.