January 2012
Someday I’ll tell you about three awful and boring girls I met in middle school/junior high who hated me and how, over the course of several years, I strong armed them into being my friend until they enjoyed my company. At which point I stopped answering their phone calls and only responded to their in-school conversations with tight smiles and overly polite compliance.
I didn’t...
Everything looks like it’s falling into place (except for the fact that I gained back the entire 35 pounds I lost last year, but whatever. Maybe I can go camping with my friends and then when they get lost I’ll kill myself and then they will eat for months off of my carcass and, haha, this started sentence started out as a joke but now I’m way more fucking depressed about it than...
Every morning starts off so healthy and every night ends with me wanting to slit my wrists to see how much peanut butter is currently running through my veins.
Family is 4-eva
Me: Dad?
Dad: Yeah?
Me: If you could get my period for me, would you?
Dad: You're fucking disgusting.
I’m taking an ethnographic writing workshop. My semester long assignment is to immerse myself into a culture I don’t really know the ins and outs of. It’s not necessarily racially or ethnically motivated, and I don’t even think that would really work without leaving the country. Our first assignment was reading a previous student’s work, and in that piece he wrote...
jofirth asked: Dude, I just thought you'd like to know that there was another slaughterhouse somewhere in the US that did the same thing with a river, and it flowed to the ocean and started making all of these sharks go all crazy and shark attacks increased by like 13000 percent. Yeah, that's an exact statistic. The sharks were like "Fish are friends not food OH WAIT WE SMELL MAD BLOOD, YO."...
What if instead of living my life and trying really hard to be happy I instead just set myself on fire, but before I did that, I killed all of the world’s puppies because I don’t want anyone else to have happiness if I died after failing at it?
I’m not even depressed. I’m just really sick of putting in effort for anything and also I want to die?
My license plate is, hypothetically for the sake of privacy, 35L P62.
About a year ago I was driving behind a car that looked similar to mine — 10 or 15 years old, boxy and blue. More importantly their license plate number was 32L P62. Again, for the sake of privacy, that’s not entirely accurate — what’s important is that the license plate number was exactly the same save...
Misikko informs me that the hair straightener I reviewed for them actually comes with all of the stuff I listed and I didn’t solely receive it because I am a very powerful and important human being. They also inform me that just because they give eye masks to everyone does not make me any less powerful or important.
Anonymous asked: So, because I read your blog all the time, I've become a bit deranged and now feel like your concerns are my concerns. So when I do things, like try a new type of facewash for my acne, I take a moment and think things like "I wonder if Caragh has tried this, I wonder if its worked for her?" So if you accomplish nothing else in life, take comfort in knowing that some random pimple...
Online hating...I mean dating stories: Today, I'd... →
inboxawkward:
One time I went on a date with this guy that I met online. I was super busy that day and ended up skipping lunch, so once it was time for our planned dinner I was really looking forward to it. When we met at the restaurant he said that he’d order for us, which I thought was funny but I figured,…
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Decided if I got cancer I would name it Contessa so I could bitchily refer to it as Cuntessa. And welcome to my weekend. I haven’t been the same since spending 20 minutes reading a bone cancer message board three weeks ago after Googling my cold symptoms.
I’ve learned a lot about battling cancer. A lot of it is about maintaining a positive image while literally picturing yourself...
Where do you go for a tote bag strong enough to carry a billion (roughly) pounds of textbooks and is under $50, but preferably around $35?
I’m looking for something that looks a little more snazzy than the typical canvas.
tsexrex:
Tom Petty - You Don’t Know How it...
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I had a nightmare that I, out of nowhere, reluctantly told a particularly awful customer of mine that I would blow him for $300.
“$250, and you swallow.” “$275, and I don’t.”
Fuck, this is what happens with the smallest iota of stress enters my life? Classes JUST began. Now I’m having godawful nightmares about awful men and I can’t even get full price...
I’m fucking freezing. It is so fucking cold in this room. I could throw on a sweatshirt and thicker pants (or, you know, just some pants. I’m giving this new bathrobe a trial run because my real resolution this year has been to eliminate all stress out of my life — [oh my god, wait, I just saw The Big Lebowski for the first time last year. This is what this is all about,...
“My favorite is when they tell us to ‘take a seat’. Thanks....”
– Electric Wheelchair Guy.
I think they’re specifically talking about the rude things Walkies say to them so we all stay too uncomfortable to tell them to be quiet on the Quiet Floor of the library.
Oh my god, I’m in the library on the Quiet Floor and there is a guy in a manual wheelchair next to me. A guy in an electric wheelchair zoomed up next to them and yes, my first thought was “wheelchair party!” but then my second thought was “wait, are they fucking retarded?” because they are talking very loudly to each other.
I want to hate them, but if they’re...
thelushiest asked: I think it was the "You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of Corgis...", personally
Anonymous asked: "Crude or indecent stories, including adult language." ---- "I’m sorry, someone denied oral from John Stamos? Are you kidding me? He was my first crush. 4 year old me would’ve killed to get oral from Uncle Jesse." Good job, Caragh.
SUPPORT SOPA. LET'S TAKE GOOGLE ADSENSE DOWN.
WE CAN’T STAND FOR THE INJUSTICE THAT IS MONEY BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME THAT I EARNED FROM POSTING GIFS I DIDN’T CREATE OF HEATH LEDGER OR WHATEVER.
“Melancholy is the nurse of frenzy.”
– William “Bitches Ain’t Shit” Shakespeare
Anonymous asked: I'm going away for a fe w days and I won't have Internet, so I just took about thirty screen shots of your blog from different pages. So I can read them when I get bored. Thought this would make you feel good, or kind of terrible. KEEP PHRESH.
“I used to give out my cell phone number to students, but my wife doesn’t...”
– My 9 AM, 100 level Intro to American Government (only senior in the class — whooooooooooooops) professor.
If Discovery Channel was smart they would team up with High Times to poll the audience of what they want to see more of and then their ratings would profit for years.
whltexbread asked: Are you in real life?
I think I need to start hanging out with cooler people. I’m 24, so I have about 2 years left before that transition happens — that transition where being cool is actually really immature and lame because it’s time to have jobs and benefits that you call “bennies” and not time to do LSD at a gay club.
I want to make sure that everyone knows I enjoy my friends a lot,...