February 2008
Every once in awhile I will try a cigarette and every time I come to the same conclusion: Not that great. I don’t know why I keep trying, but this is probably how 99% of people get hooked. Just trying to see what gets others hooked.
Why do awesome events happen around me at the times when I have the least amount of money? Do you know what I did last week? I stared at a water bottle machine longingly. My bank account is on a self-imposed lock down until further notice and this makes the purchase of a bottle of water morph into a moral jihad, which makes no sense but IT IS HOW I FEEL. But, I mean, I have to have some fun,...
January 2008
I just realized why seeing people that I haven’t seen since I was 3 (mostly my parents’ old friends) is super uncomfortable. I have severely downgraded in both looks and personality since being a toddler. I would put a comparison shot, but I’m no longer on antidepressants and I want to keep it that way.
My dad talks sometimes and stuff like this comes...
Three guys walk into a hotel and pay the manager 30 dollars, 10 dollars each. The manager realizes he overcharged them 5 dollars, the room is only 25 bucks. Because he couldn’t divide it up evenly (it’s apparently one of those new hotels. You know, the ones that don’t have quarters or dimes and shit.) he gives each guy one dollar and pockets the other two, meaning they now paid 9...
Liam, the four year old: Today I went ice skating!
Me: When did you go ice skating?!
Liam: When I passed out my valentimes cards.
Me: When did you pass out your 'valentimes' cards?
Liam: Like... *starts putting fingers up while counting under his breath, when he gets to seven he puts his thumb down. When he finally got to the last, tenth finger he said...* 7 years ago?
In about two minutes I am going to leave for my film and society class and watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles, which I’ve never seen in full before. Why didn’t I take this class sooner? I just finishd reading Steve Martin’s biography (I cried at a part towards the end) so it’s pretty good timing.
If Ariel doesn’t know what a fire is how does she know it burns? I want to see The Little Mermaid on broadway so bad.
I always forget how average I am at spelling until I start writing on something that’s not a computer.
I just applied for a job at a neurological rehab center/nursing home. It was my mom’s first job and she still works there as the head chef. Which is just a title, because I’m pretty sure they receive ingredients from the same company that my elementary school uses. As I passed in my application to a woman who knew me when I was three and I don’t recall at all, she had to yell at...
Xzibit has a giggle that is as adorable as a puppy and also uses “LOL”.
I think a big reason why people like to think that books are better than movies is because nobody really discusses or gives notice to shit-books, but at any given time there are a dozen shit-movies in the theaters. Good, thought-provoking entertainment is good, though-provoking entertainment.
Also, can I complain more? Can I? Because I will. I have only had one vitamin water and one glass of skim milk all day. I have a pounding headache from what I guess is mild dehydration but I am so physically ill with stress (car insurance may not be renewed, no textbooks, need new job that doesn’t involve being in a mall 8 hours a day, feeling inadequate and unprepared for life in general)...
Today at work about 6 or 7 stereotypical goth kids came in and bought a lizard, then brought it back because their FRIEND said it had parasites. I called my boss to see if we could give cash back instead of store credit since they had just purchased it, but it was a no-go. And then I spent the next fucking hour verbally BATTLING this gang of goth high schoolers. It got to the point where one of...
you down with MHC?
jakoblodwick: dihard writes: Just read this interesting article in Time Magazine about how romance is linked to smell. We respond to olfactory cues and in fact, smell helps us narrow our choices of potential partners. MHC (the major histocompatibility complex), a set of genes that controls the immune system and influences tissue rejection is especially critical. You jive best with a partner...
If anyone has any suggestions on: 1) A good, cheap FM transmitter for your iPod in the car or 2) How to win a speeding ticket appeal. Please come to my house and explain both to me asap.
This tumblr is like tasteful porn for those who love ballet flats. Which should be all of female America.
A few weeks ago this very nice woman came into my work to tell me that we should put some sort of lock on the ferret cage because they’re so easy to steal. I told her we’d talk to the boss about it because ferrets have totally been stolen before. As well as snakes, one dog that we got back, hamsters, gerbils, lizards… Everything we sell. Then she told me about the underground...
“Oh boy was I mad. Like, really mad. So, I started calling you names. Like...”
– - Rob Huebel. I cannot wait for the Human Giant commentary, by the way. Didn’t I read somewhere they recorded two commentary tracks for every episode? I love commentary. Commentary.
Apparently Cloverfield dropped 75% in sales this weekend.
WatchToday I woke up and realized that my idea of a titcom (situational comedy/porno crossover) had already been made and I’ve already seen it — Pterodactyl porn! Unfortunately I can’t find the exact video I saw before, only this. On the plus side, this means there are TWO pterodactyl-based pornos out there! Here’s the video description: Dino loving goes to the next step when...
Titcom - (n) situational comedy/porno crossover. (Edited to add an example of a really great title for a Titcom; Girls Gone Wild N’ Out) This is a really great time to embarrassingly admit that I have sat through more than one episode of Wild N’ Out just to watch Katt Williams.
This is my life.
My 16 year old, pregnant sister’s nipples are leaking and she fucking showed me with enthusiasm. Can you just re-read that, please? My 16 year old pregnant sister milked her tit like she was a common farmer’s cow. I ran out of the room and she followed. I threatened to take pictures and post them online and she still followed me. I threatened to video tape. I then videotaped thinking...
I think I'm getting close to a moment of truth...
Oh - btw, and I don’t have time to address this subject right now - but I don’t believe that there is anything inherently “better” about a woman who doesn’t (I hate this phrase) “sleep around.” The reason I don’t is due to a strange quirk of self-discipline - and the aggravatingly persistent truth that sleeping with men I don’t have a deep...
Often times when I’m high I find myself to be the funniest person in the world. I have always, ALWAYS gotten the giggles. Uncontrollable giggles. Because my head is just the most amazing circus and comedy show combination in the entire world during those moments and there is no way to convey that to an outsider. I’ve tried. Because I’m such a big fan of myself I usually write...
weed atm →
— samreich As of an hour ago I’ve decided that I want to try not to smoke or drink for 30 days. Then this pops up on my dashboard and made me weak in the knees. Anyways, I sort of got the idea from reading about Doug Benson’s movie Super High Me. 30 days with no weed, 30 days high. I will not be attempting the latter.
VERY IMPORTANT
Dunkin’ Donuts Mocha Coolatta with no whipped cream and extra milk mixed with a little (ahem) vodka might be the tastiest frozen alcoholic beverage I’ve ever had. Next time I have hang-outs of the drinking kind with some friends I’m forcing them all to buy one.
I was just going to post a close up of my horribly broken out face and then the surface of mars and ask which was which, but after staring at it for about half an hour I think I’m going to go slit my throat instead.
Re-registering for classes, a process that normally takes 15/20 minutes, turned into some sort of epic fucking journey that lasted over an hour and a half and involved me having to go to 3 fucking buildings, one of them twice. And then I found out that my animal behaviorism class is full. Awesome. I got into American Lit 2, Abnormal Psych, Film and Society and Human Geography. I don’t even...
“Didn’t really learn anyything the whole year. He would get distracted by...”
– My new favorite thing is going to ratemyteacher.com and looking up what middle schoolers wrote for the teachers I had back at Williams Middle. SO GOOD.
“I took one Ambien and it didn’t work. I took a second and I fell asleep...”
– “Rough quote” from an interview about being the Joker, according to ONTD. Reports were that playing the Joker was so troubling and demonic that he had trouble sleeping.
“Heath Ledger is so hot he makes me giggle.”
– One of my favorite gals, Katie. I think this was said about six or seven years ago.
Textworthy Celeb Deaths →
I wrote this article a year and a half ago. I guess we can put Heath in the “textworthy” category because I’ve gotten a few. My guess is that he had his entire portfolio in long equities. Too soon? Probably. — rickyv I got texted by two people and a voicemail. Man, I feel bad for his little girl. So sad.
spot the fake smile →
I got 17/20. This is a good time to mention that the one day I decided that I would no longer fake a smile towards customers about 4 or 5 of them were extremely rude to me. Apparently people want false happy instead of truthfully apathetic. (But polite! I’m always polite.)