clareables: Why is this $170? Oh, fuck.
Thinking of getting this shirt specifically because i straight up look like a pilgrim pirate. macy’s 75% off rack, holla.
I got Subway today for lunch at work. I asked for a 6” sub, untoasted. She said “untoasted?” I said “Yes, please.” She started to fill with toppings, stopped for a second and asked “Not toasted?” and I replied “Yes, not toasted. Thank you.” Then she put it in the oven and gave me a wide grin. I didn’t really understand what was going on...
Can we please stop naming our children after nouns and feelings? I met a second Hope today. Hope is a pretty feeling, but it’s an ugly word and an uglier name. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. She was about 4 and said she lived in a camper during the summer and a house during the winter. I said that must be exciting and she said “not really.”
Oh holy shit, I almost forgot! I often like to dazzle my friends by talking about how my family is a family of amputees. I’m pretty serious about this. I have an uncle who lost a hand in a meat grinder when he went to work drunk An uncle who lost his leg in a motorcycle accident My father lost his fingertip on a lawnmower as a child My late grandfather who lost several toes to...
I feel the constant need to remind everyone that...
Liam: Guess what I'm scared of. It starts with "D".
(5 guesses later)
Liam: Yep! I'm scared of dying. Guess the second thing that I'm most scared of. It starts with "M".
Me: M... Meatballs.
(15 guesses later)
Me: I give up.
Liam: Michael Jackson.
I played the most intense game of Scrabble in my life with my uncle, grandmother and mother today. I’m awful at Scrabble so I rarely play. I try not to do anything I’m not immediately good at more than once. What’s the point if I can’t conquer it, really? Anyway, So I had so many u’s and e’s and there was a Q and I was trying to remember how to spell queue. I...
A good 75% of the texts I send while drunk are straight up T.I. lyrics. 40% of those are just “HEY JIM!” and 15% of those result in a text back from the recipient saying “this isn’t Jim?” I’m kind of worried about my new job. I don’t fucking get business attire. Are you serious, Life? Like, I can’t wear jeans? I promise the strippers won’t...
It was a beautiful day today. We went for a long walk and bothered loads of...– Ricky Gervais. The saddest part of my life is that Ricky Gervais has no idea that I would be his ideal platonic female friend.
For the fourth grade talent show me and 4 friends decided to do a pretty excellent thing and sing along to a Spice Girls song. Naturally, I was Ginger Spice. For some reason I decided the best possible costume for Ginger Spice involved a fur skirt. A brown fur skirt. It was like I had a poodle in dire need of a good grooming wrapped around my legs, only less cute. We practiced for DAYS. I still...
In all honesty, the high point of my life so far was that time I met a deaf guy wearing a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt. There are moments in my life where I wish I had the abilities to write a movie and that was one of those moments. Visions of a deaf character who only wears band t-shirts. His soul mate is a blind woman who owns an art gallery. They live in Milwaukee and make it work.
I'm just going to guess that this is the child...
Katt: Hey, how're you doing? So let me ask you something, in your boxing career --
5 Year Old Son: I like pancakes.
Katt: (laughter) Ok.
Son: I like muffins too.
Katt: What else do you like?
Son: Yeah, waffles.
Katt: It's not even breakfast time here. Let's talk about pancakes
Katt: Now, what is in a pancake?
Son: A pancake is a circle.
Katt: A pancake IS a circle, and we thank you. And that --
Son: And then they have berries and muffins.
Katt: And then they have berries and muffins... So let's talk about muffins. What do we like about muffins? Muffins are...
Son: Muffins are pancakes.
Katt: Muffins are pancakes! This is like interviewing Michael Jackson. "How many nose jobs did you have?" "3! 1! 7!" Ok. This has been beautiful. I want to thank you for sharing this and I want you to know --
Son: I want Xbox 360.
I have an 8 AM final the day after my 21st...
Honest to god, I don’t know what Science is doing with it’s life. You would think after thousands upon thousands of years of homo sapiens, someone would have figured out a cure for urination. I am so sick of taking time out of my day to pee.
"Why are optical illusions relevant to each of the...
FUCK. WHY DID I TAKE PHILOSOPHY WHEN MY PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY IS “DON’T DO SHIT THAT WON’T GET YOU ANYWHERE”? THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF DOING SHIT THAT’S NOT GETTING ME ANYWHERE.
Not porn. I would only be 12% embarrassed if it...
Last week I downloaded something so embarrassing to both my intellectual and moral being that I vowed to never admit owning or viewing this/these thing/s. If I met my husband tomorrow and he asked if I was familiar with this sort of thing, I would laugh heartedly, flip my hair nonchalantly and smoothly say, “why would you ever mistake me for THAT sort of person?” I would say...
Remember how I mentioned Katt Williams in twelve posts during the past 10 months? At one point appointing him as my life coach? Because I need someone to guide me through life, and what better example can I choose than a middle aged black man who has fabulous hair? Well, Katt Williams, my unofficial life coach, is now in a mental hospital. After failing to show up to host the BET awards, then...
Is there a Hannah, Montana?
If you’re wondering why I’ve been walking around doing my Whitney Houston impression, it’s because I got the new job which will pay me 2 bucks more an hour than my current job - YES YOU GUYS, 10 WHOLE BUCKS AN HOUR FOR THIS LADY. Watch out, Trump. I mean, what’s next? A car that is merely 15 year old, rather than 18? Actual Ramen noodles and not the store brand kind? This...
My brain seems to know quite a lot of words that my mouth never thinks of saying...– Karl Pilkington. If I read this and didn’t see who it was attributed to, I would assume it was Winnie the Pooh. A lot of things Karl Pilkington writes is like that.
Am I hip enough to attend a Girl Talk show in Providence this month? I don’t think I’m hip enough at all. I will be surrounded by people a lot cooler and probably more annoying than me. I will probably run into the guy from high school that I hate, yet for some reason must share the same taste of music in because I run into him at every fucking concert I attend in the Boston/Providence...
I am jealous that my 17 year old sister has a child. I know, I know. And now a bunch of my old friends are popping out children, co-workers just a couple years older than me are pregnant and happy and I am going to be 35 and living with a bunch of dogs and still watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 reruns. Is there any way I can have a husband and 2 children with absolutely no responsibility and also I...
Tonight my chemistry professor will be giving a lecture where he proves there is life after death, using math and science. Thinking about death makes me cry on the daily. Which is why if he proves successful, I will give him 10% of my income every year until I die. That or a blow job.
Hey, so I’m renewing my cell phone plan next month. I was going to go with an iPhone and then I realized I make minimum wage and cannot afford that bill. What is a cheap plan for someone who talks 150/200 minutes a month (most of those nights and weekends) and sends and receives 5-10 texts a day? (To make this post less useless: Once my five year old brother was running around in his...
You’re going to have to be a little bit more selfish in 2008. You’re...– Katt Williams, Words of Wisdom for Thursday, November 13, 2008. I learn so much from this man on a daily basis.
I haven’t bought a DVD in YEARS. YEARS. Yesterday I bought Katt Williams’ DVD the day it came out (WHICH WAS YESTERDAY). From now on whenever I am watching Katt Williams’ stand up I am just going to say that I am attending my lecture class taught by Professor Williams, because that’s what he is to me. A professor. Pimpin’ 101.
Desperate son had sex with mum in Darwin home →
planettampon: livesophia: A man had sex with his wheelchair-bound mother because no other women wanted him, a court has been told. The 26-year-old man asked his mother “why don’t women want me” as they watched a movie at their Darwin home in September this year, the Northern Territory Supreme Court was told. The man, who moved from Western Australia to Darwin last year, allegedly told his...
The only time it’s acceptable for your book reading to be interrupted is when it’s a hot guy who says, “you’re reading that, too? isn’t it funny?” And then you answer him, have polite conversation for 15 seconds and go back to what looks like reading, but is really just staring at a page while trying to mentally force said guy into major make-outs.
I mean, like, what I’m trying to focus on is that in two or three days I will start having fantasies about kidnapping little half Asian babies. That’s one of the stages of PMS. My week will be: frustration, unbelievable depression, anger, larger breasts, depression again, chocolate, asian babies.