December 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR
MY CAR IS BROKEN ON NEW YEARS EVE RIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE FOR SOCIAL EVENTS. YOU WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, END OF ‘08. MYSTERIOUS AND SOUL EATING WAYS.
EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT. I HATE YOU 2008 I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU DID NOTHING FOR ME.
New Years Eve Resolution #1:
Stop being so tragically amazing. Society can’t handle it anymore.
New Years Eve Resolution # 2:
Stop urinating for at least one day. Why are we forced to urinate still in 2009? This is ridiculous. Someone needs to fix this bodily malfunction.
New Years Eve Resolution # 3:
Stop getting your period, but not in that pregnancy way. Ma-Maybe I can fake ovarian cancer and get all of that...
I refuse to brush my hair or change out of my pajamas when I pick up my sister from work. I’m sorry, but I’m not getting dressed before 1 PM on my day off.
(Day off from work, school, socializing.)
I only remember that one of my best friend’s mother was my seventh grade Spanish teacher when I wake up hungover on her couch while she is correcting papers at 8 AM. Sunday morning was not the first time this happened and I kind of hope it will not be the last.
Like Le Corbusier, I am known for my stark...
magicmolly:
Tonight’s decision is whether or not to go to a party with a bunch of kids I knew in high school. Except it isn’t really a decision, because there’s no conflict. I don’t want to go, and I ain’t gonna.
It is always hard to know whether I should heed my perennial urge to be alone or force myself to socialize. I spent so long feeling ashamed of my (involuntary) aloneness that I feel...
PS, last night I was called personable. “You’re my favorite friend of (redacted). I just think you have a great personality, you’re really personable.”
Never in my life have I ever been called personable. This is because I am so fucking unpersonable it’s incredible. I’m sarcastic in a way that doesn’t come off as funny, but straight up douche-bag. I call...
Those weren’t all the texts I sent to tumblr. I sent three that went to “Tom” instead of “T” for Tumblr. I haven’t spoken to Tom in at least three months. He is a trooper for accepting 1 AM texts that read “Teriyaki asians never fail to make me laugh” and just accepting it as Typical Caragh (TM).
I fell while relatively sober. I blame my heels and...
Peeing.
Uh oh
Drunk and watching a special needs person dance
this place is called hong kong. only asians r workers.
Omg. nother vodka tonic. we’re here. Single ladies is on. I am enjoying life. Even tho Ive already tripped.
Already created a round table discussion about SVU. I hope we crash before we get there.
One vodka tonic and 1 beer in. we couldnt get a party bus so everyone except the DD is drinking in the purple minivan. GOOD LIFE DECISIONS.
“Nice shoes” Nice shoes? Nice shoes are these heels, the only nice shoes I have. If I fall drunkenly in this fuckfest of a rancid building, it’s not my fault. It’s someone else’s fault. Just like with everything else wrong in my life.
whatever. I'm wearing a sweatshirt.
I’m wearing this zip up sweatshirt to a club and I don’t even fucking care what anyone says to my face.
Well, yes I do. That’s why I have anxiety issues, because I care A LOT about what people say to my face. I’M STILL WEARING A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT.
Tonight I’m being forced to go into some club in Boston. If I never write in my tumblr again I have probably purposely overdosed on something in the bathroom of this club because dying next to urinal cakes sounds so much better than going to a fucking club in Boston on Saturday night.
Jesus fucking Christ. (Wait, would that just mean he is masturbating?)
Do you know what, Tumblr? DO YOU KNOW WHAT? My mother bought me a Coach purse, which is nice. It really is. God, I can’t believe I’m about to complain about this, but there is a very small portion of me that believes my Mother bought me a Coach purse because she knows that I do not enjoy Coach. I don’t enjoy ANY high end fashion labels or whatever the fuck. Is Coach even high...
Why I love The Ten and every other movie David...
Black Son 1: Who's our biological father?
White Mother: So, one night after an interview I took the opportunity to fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Black Son 2: And?
White Mother: Do you need me to spell it out for you?
Black Sons: YES.
White Mother: I... F-U-C-K-E-D A-R-N-O-L-D S-...C?-H
Black Son 1: MOM --
Black Son 2: Let her finish!
White Mother: W-A-R-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.
Black Son 1: So you're saying Arnold Schwarzenegger is our biological father?
White Mother: Yes. That's why you're both so tall. I always told everyone it's because you got so much sun.
Black Son 2: How does that explain the dark color of our skin?
White Mother: I know. I know. Believe me, I know
Just awoke from a Christmas Nap (capitalized...
I had a dream I went on a road trip with James Caan and his adopted daughter. We were going to Chicago to see a comedy show that started at 10:10 PM.
meaghano:
This is the only acceptable christmas...
Discussing my Mother's attitude towards me ever...
Dad: I know, Caragh. But she's your mother.
Me: I'm not going to just lay down like some dog and allow someone to walk all over me, no matter who it is. I think it's bullshit that I'm expected to not say anything back when she blatantly insults me in front of company.
Dad: She carried you for 8 months and one week.
Me: Exactly. Woman didn't even have the consideration to carry me full term.
Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff,...
Dad: I need to help place an order for Tally.
His boss' secretary: Tally-ho?
Dad: No, that's his sister.
Doug Benson’s CD “Professional Humoredian” is so good that I’m thinking about actually legally obtaining a copy.
Remeber that scene in Super High Me where he had to go out and send money so his mother could buy new glasses? That was fucking adorable, right? That was plain fucking adorable.
I want to get high with Doug Benson and then do awesome and charitable things for...
I hate my Dad.
I hate my Dad because I just had awoke from a dream in which he left the front door open when he left the house and because of that this dude with a mustache came in and ROBBED US. He robbed us as I was writing a Tumblr entry about something extremely funny. Like, yeah. Writing in my Tumblr was in my dream last night. That’s where I’m at in life, I guess.
So then my Dad comes home...
My family and I are late for everything in the...
Mom: Are those presents under the tree from you?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Why did you wrap them SO EARLY?
Me; dejected, angry, possessing mother issues: Christmas is in less than two days.
Mom: I guess.
Smoking a bowl while listening to stand up comedy albums in the dark while I’m wearing my shirt I got when I attended DARE camp in 1998. I am pleased with this situation. I feel like I’m doing a really great impression of myself right now.
Sometimes I feel like an asshole when I smoke or drink while wearing my DARE shirts, but then I remembered how much I fucking hated DARE camp and...
I am 100% serious when I say that before today I have never seen a full advertisement for Frost/Nixon, so for the past several days I have assumed that the movie was titled Frost Nixon and its plot had something to do with Richard Nixon being crossed with an evil Frosty the Snowman and then something happens.
100% fucking serious. 10% embarrassed.
