March 2008
Stephanie [small plastic bag in hand]: Look at this! This was still in my purse. Can you imagine if the cops pulled me over? [licks inside of bag]
Me: What was in it?
Stephanie: Crack-cocaine, hahah! No, kidding. Cocaine.
(Sometimes I feel like every funny-situation I tumbl about is a had-to-be-there. Oh well, this tumblr is more for me than for you anyways. I'm going to FIGHT you.)
Bored Game
sharingtime: joshmohrer: sarahschneider: juliaheffernan: Here’s a fun game to play if you are bored: type in “[your name] needs” into google and look at the results. This was QUITE an amusing break for me today. Sarah needs a cold shower, self-esteem Sarah needs your manly vote Sarah needs to kick him in the nuts Sarah needs to reorganize her life Sarah needs a video channel Sarah needs a pink...
February 2008
Some days I want to dress really gangster, with a bronx accent and my hair in cornrows and give no one an explanation. This is one of those days. Dawg.
Is it just me or have The Simpsons gotten a lot sillier this season? This week I’ve watched three or four episodes from late-ish in the 19th season (after hearing rumors it was pretty good again) and enjoyed most of them. I just feel like it’s silly now. In a good way. Maybe it was just the ones I watched. (That’s my way of saving face if no one agrees with me.)
I don’t know what happened to me over the past couple years, but all of a sudden I don’t find tattoos attractive. In fact, pretty often I find them unattractive. Except Ami from Miami Ink. Oh, boy, is he hot with those tattoos. And anger.
Conversation at the show, (very) abridged.
Me: Oh look, there's Showalter and Eugene! Look, it's like a gang. It's like Entourage! [They were wearing puffy jackets with fur-lined hoods and had about 5 other people with them as they walked past us]
Becca: Wait, are you going to blog that or should I? We shouldn't blog the same thing.
Me: Whoever does it first. Wait, should I blog this conversation or are you?
It's even sadder when I admit we probably had this same conversation 8 years ago when we had diaries at teenopendiary.com.
Aww, yeah.
Tearing the Veil of Maya made a little field trip to Boston’s MFA so Becca and I attended because we enjoy laughing. This dude, Sal Lupo, came out and I think that the five or ten minutes he was up there was probably in my Top 5 Comedy Viewing Moments. For a minute I honestly had no idea if it was a character or an actual person and everytime I laughed I involuntarily mouthed the word...
“My brother was on the show Amish in the City! They live real old-school.”
– Dude in Human Geography class.
Last night I met someone who a friend of mine was interested in and he was very nice (and handled meeting two friends-of-the-girl at once quite unawkwardly!) and I hope he makes her very happy, but when he was looking at her passport he asked “So where can you go with this?” Anywhere. “Anywhere in the world? Just with this book?” So that was the highlight of my evening.
Things I'm proud of
There is not a single photograph anywhere in existance that shows me giving the shocker.
I am Awkward
The second to last sentence is the stuff too-clever dreams are made of. kelseyriewer: I have some conflicting feelings about being hit on. Conflicting mainly because I think I might hate it, and I worry that that’s strange. I don’t like having some stranger creepin at me across the room; forgive me for thinking that’s horribly awkward. And I don’t really react well when they stop gawking and...
There is some eyebrow-furrowing shit going on at the moment. I dislike it when situations are like: 1. I can see the problem. 2. ???? 3. Failure. Which basically, if you can’t understand me in my imbalanced hormonal upset, means I know I’m not going to succeed, I just don’t know HOW I’m not going to succeed. When the fuck is Heroes going to be back on?
PMS.
“The new contract for first-year “Saturday Night Live” players is...”
– Source (optional)
I just realized that when I was in San Diego I made ZERO Whale’s Vagina references. WHALE’S VAGINA WAS ALL I COULD THINK OF THE WEEK PRIOR TO TRAVELLING.
The State at UCB-LA →
I’m sorry… WHAAAAATTT? If there is a God, this will (for some reason that doesn’t make sense) be videotaped and leaked on the internet so people 3,000 miles away can enjoy. OR TOUR?
beckyblurtsout: i miss yoooouu and am really excited for thursday!
Auto response from X TugboatCaptain: Workkk.
Plans after? Call me. I miss hanging around people who are not customers.
beckyblurtsout: after reading about how you got off i wanted to reblog it and write "I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GET OFF, CARAGH. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU CUM."
beckyblurtsout: but thought that was a little too much
beckyblurtsout: and then i remembered the time that kaileen said to you "i love it when you're angry. it's so cute. reminds me of your pussy."
beckyblurtsout: and i was at work photocopying while thinking all this and i just laughed and laughed like an asshole
I’m going to name my vagina Texas and just create situations around me where the phrase “Don’t mess with Texas!” can be used. If dudes were women they would name their clits, not their vaginas. I just have a feeling this is true.
I was in and out of the District Court building in 7 minutes and in the actual room for about 3 or 4. The cop never showed up, but they brought in an officer in his place and he read Officer Rae’s (Officer DICK, amirite?) statement. So I don’t know if I actually won by default or because I dressed like an apologetic pilgrim (a necessity, I feel, unless you’re completely,...
Tomorrow I have to fight a speeding ticket. If anyone has an tips, please please please e-mail me. The Deets: -Cop said I was going 52 in a 30. I would bet my next pay check I was doing under 45 (that’s what my speedometer said and it’s not off), but it doesn’t really matter because I still WAS speeding. -He only wrote me up as doing 40 in a 30, but then in the lower right hand...
Today sucked. I hate feeling like a bad person. What else do you have except for the mark you leave on other people? And even that’s gone when they’re dead. It blows my mind that I continue to work for minimum wage doing something I’m not too fond of, simply to pay for classes to get into a profession that I probably won’t enjoy even though NONE of it will matter in 100...
I just sneezed while lying down and after half a second all my spit sprinkled ever so gently all over my face like some kind of saliva self bukake.
Me: Excuse me, my co-worker's daughters just told me that as you walked by them you called me a "bitch" under your breath because I wouldn't let you hold a puppy?
Goth Girl: ...Yeah.
Me: That's unnecessary and I really don't appreciate it. It's not my personal rule to not allow teenagers to hold a puppy. You have to be 18, company's rule.
Goth Girl: Well, I've held dogs a bunch of times before.
Me: Like I said earlier, that might be my bosses decision, but when she's not around I have to follow the rules. I'm not going to lose my job over some 17 year old.
Goth Girl: It's not like I called you a bitch to your face.
Me: It doesn't matter, I'm not going to allow you to call me that at all in the store I work at. You either need to get out or I'm going to have to call security and have you kicked out.
And as I followed behind her, making sure she left, I did air fist pumps. 0 % kidding. They were probably the most rewarding air fist pumps I've ever experienced. Even if the only people who saw them were my co-worker's young daughters.
Today my classes were canceled. Then a man who was neither a black senior citizen nor a lesbian (two groups who are a major fan of my hair) complimented my hair. And then upon learning how my name is spelt said, “Good for you, Caragh! Good for you!” like it was some sort of thing I had to work hard to achieve, this name status right here. As he left I did feel a little self confidence...
Are there any other 20ish year olds that are thoroughly excited for Toy Story 3D? I think they have the same voice actors. I loved Toy Story. I even had the video game for SNES.
gooneruk: Yesterday at work I had a customer that had a lisp, Barbara Waltered his “R”s and stuttered. It was like The Holy Trinity of speech impediments and I was completely blown away. caragh Please tell me you laughed. Or at least stifled a big smirk. Oooh, or even had a Giggle Loop, a la Coupling, which was a cruelly underrated TV show in it’s time. I didn’t! But I DID ask a lot...
Yesterday at work I had a customer that had a lisp, Barbara Waltered his “R”s and stuttered. It was like The Holy Trinity of speech impediments and I was completely blown away.
I would like to address the post I made a day or two back about Diablo Cody’s new screen play. It’s apparently fake and it was very obvious to everyone except me. I am a gullible asshole. I still hate Diablo Cody’s writing. HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS SUPER ORIGINAL? COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DIALOGUE IN JUNO. I SHOULD DO IT MORE OFTEN TO SEPERATE MYSELF FROM THE MASSES.
Gob: So, a young neighborhood kid by the name Steve Holt will be coming in in a minute --
Michael: Your son.
Gob: According to him.
Michael: And a DNA test.
Gob: I heard the jury's still out on... science.
All I would like right now is some retail therapy, but I don’t even have enough money to buy one shoe. Yesterday I bought a sub while I was at work and it wasn’t even that good. I wish I could puke it up all over Kingston House of Pizza and get my money back. I can’t wait until some customer asks me if we euthenize puppies that don’t sell because I’m going to be like,...
Oh my god, I won a pair of underwear and now anyone who googles my name in quotes knows that. This is not worth the underwear! No matter how comfortable and barely-there they felt.
I feel like I’m the only one in the entire world who enjoys “alternative comedy” (I literally CRINGE typing that) and doesn’t like Patton Oswalt. He makes me smirk and he’s made me laugh, but I don’t get why he’s touted as some sort of comedy god. He just seems really pretentious and his jokes are long-winded and you can tell which ones he’s been...
Regrets
niki:I’ve been recording all of my regrets since the beginning of the year, and so far all but one of them are food-related? I don’t know why, but this made me laugh harder than anything I can remember seeing on tumblr. I think it’s the question mark that got me. Wait… I think it’s the question mark that got me?
The Jackass guys are apparently taking over MTV for 24 hours (a la Human Giant a la Foo Fighters) on 2/24. I will watch this on three conditions 1. Chris Pontius will agree to keep his clothes on. 2. Bam Margera’s entire segment lasts 30 seconds and it’s just him crying in a vat of snakes. 3. Human Giant slap-sacks* them and then some cool graphic appears on the screen, like...
A Complete List of Things That I've Recently...
(According to What That Little Drop Down Bar Tells Me When I Type in a Letter.) Allison Krauss, Best push up bra, Boondocks IMDB, Born on the Fourth of July , Breni, British comedy “* hole”, Casablanca, Casablanca script, claim 0 or 1, cletus, david mitchell, division portland or, ethearal, fairy shrimp, html font color, humanities elective, hussle lyrics, ikea, inventer of death...
Dear person who IMmed me, When I came back to the computer you weren’t online anymore. I know this because I sent something like “Oh, sorry I didn’t IM back and thank you!” and it told me you weren’t online. Also, because you said you didn’t like the yellow it made me self-concious that people thought it was bright and obnoxious and I know the links were hard to...
My family got together after the funeral (about 50 of us with the friends of family included) at some hall so that was nice. The wake and funeral had men in the army stationed in various parts of the rooms because my grandfather was in the army himself. They even stopped all traffic at the funeral precession, so that was cool. Except me and my mom somehow got caught up in the regular traffic so...
The worst thing about the wake of a loved one is not knowing if you are related to the hot guy sitting across the room.
This means nothing to you, but I saw one of my cousins today for the first time in about seven years and she looks like a white Rihanna. No, she looks like THE white Rihanna.