April 2008
Crazy
Two days ago marked the 3rd anniversary of Mitch Hedberg’s death. I remember finding out on the night of the 31, and telling Becca on 4/1 and SHE WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME because it was April’s Fools and also I use to like to trick her a lot. Man. We are missing out on some major funny and influence. I defy someone to listen to his records for the first time and walk away without a hint...
March 2008
I called my boss asking to come in a half hour late because I needed a nap hardcore. She asked who I was up fucking and I said I was up fucking a really hot paper and had not been to sleep. She hung up and called me back, saying she found someone to cover for me. Life, I could kiss you on the mouth right about now. I post so much more when I’m tired. Sorry.
Someone brought some pungent sour cream and vagina chips in here or something because it reeks and I’m using that as an excuse as to why I will not have my 6 - 8 page rough draft for my next class. Also because I only have 3/4 of one page. I hate college.
I’ve run into three different people with minor to major cases of Tourettes in the past three days. Two have been in my school library. How is that even statistically possible? Also, one of them I’ve seen and spoke to multiple times during the past few months. TURNS OUT that he does not make funny faces in the middle of conversation to emphasize the funny jokes he says. No, it is his...
Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table →
When does something constitute as “having sex with” as opposed to “masturbating with”? I just feel like any inanimate object is the latter. What makes you want to do it with a metal table?! What parts of “metal” and “table” sound awesome to a penis? Oh, MEN.
I’ve already been up for 21 hours. And I won’t be home until 10:30 PM, so there’s 36 hours. Ugh. How and why does this happen. God, I hope someone calls in a bomb threat at my school. Or work. Whenever the fire alarm goes off we have to call like, 6 different people asking if there’s a real fire. There never has been, but what the hell would we do with 40 puppies if there...
DID YOU KNOW YOUR UTERUS HAS CONTRACTIONS UPON ORGASM? I DID NOT. IS THIS COMMON KNOWLEDGE? So is there like an earthquake if you ‘gasm with a baby in your belly? ANSWER ME, FETUSES. Wait, is this why sex is a great labor inducer if you’re past your due date? This is like the time I realized, while looking at a globe, that Alaska was not an island. And I was 16. :/
I went from following 35 people to 60 in under a week. It is probably because I have so many shitty papers to write. Avoidance is awesome.
I am convinced that someday we will be able to hook our heads up to a machine and receive Happiness. I get really fucking disappointed when I remember I won’t be here for 3008. I bet humans will all be hot and naked all the time. That’s what we will be missing. A perfect, naked society.
When people my age are in college and still manage to live by themselves in an awesome apartment or have a brand new car I automatically assume they are either a drug dealer, a stripper or a prostitute.
“yeah so I just doggy-bagged the fig salad and left”
– Is NOT a euphamism in gay land thank-you-very-much Robin (via extrafirmhold) But what about “yeah so I just doggy-bagged the fag salad and left”?
Things I told my brother Dillon when he was 5 that...
1. Yes, me and your sister are losing our teeth now. That’s what happens when you get older. Well, to girls. Boys lose their eyeballs. (he cried immediately) 2. Yes, Dad is going to have to get his leg cut off because of when you hit him there with that ball. (he cried immediately) 3. Yes, those bruises are really bad. It’s because you have leukemia and you’re going to die soon....
I am stuck at the
I am stuck at the car wash. “I AM A STEREOTYPICAL LAZY MEXICAN.” - my car’s battery that refuses to work
New fave thing
Watching interspecies fights on youtube
Tru Fax.
Once my friend Mal and I got Andrew Lawrence (from Brotherly Love and… Uh… the Disney movie The Other Me… And some Disney movie with a horse… And the Disney movie To The Mat… BUT BASICALLY: JOEY “WOAH” LAWRENCE’S LITTLE BRTHER) screen name for AIM (it leaked with a few other Disney “celebrities”) and constantly talked to him. I really...
Not only did I forget to shut of my lights, but I was in the middle of a “nap” while it happened. With all my lights on. Sorry for being such an asshole, Earth! Whatever, I bet someone is going to come out with some sort of study/well thought out article saying that none of it really makes a huge impact because ___________, just like with every other thing that we’re told is good...
I kind of love days where I feel like an actual, real-life adult, as opposed to the crazy, 1000-mile-a-minute-rolling-thoughts 20 year old I normally feel like. I am very excited for the crazy times my 20s will bring me, but I am looking forward so hard to the possible comfort my 30s will have. Like, I get to stay in and drink this wine and not feel like a crazed lunatic because I don’t...
LAME.
The two most exciting things to happen on my...
1. The Ryan Adams Explosion Party 2. Fashion Fight Fest ‘08
I bet there is at least one man whose name is Victor and his middle name begins with E, so people call him Victory for a nickname. I hate him.
Oh man, before I went out I realized that if I swivled my turtle’s light up and to the left it makes for a perfect make-up light in front of my mirror. I can see every flaw, both naturally and the way I apply make-up! It’s awesome.
1 tag
Things that make me happy
Today was the first time in over a year that I’ve heard the name “Craig Kilborn”.
Jason Bateman to direct Fox pilot starring Niecy... →
Oh man, there is SO MUCH GOOD SHIT coming out on TV over the next year. Providing they don’t get canceled. I mean, what, there’s the Showalter/Black show, the AD Miles/Galifianakis show, the Jon Glaser show AND THAT IS JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
You would think that as a person who hates getting ready in the morning, who hates doing anything except taking a shower and throwing on some clothes, who upon waking up every morning thinks “I cannot believe I have to get ready again. I just got ready yesterday” would not get a haircut that requires straightening to not look like a fool.
“I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat...”
– a man who took his mugger out to dinner (via NPR and kottke) (via sharingtime) Why the hell is everyone a better person than me.
The one thing I really miss about having a laptop instead of a desktop is cleaning out the mouse. Opening it up, removing the ball, and peeling off the gross hardened lint from the wheels? So good. I just did it to the mouse here at the library. It was glorious. Well, in 54 minutes I have to go and make a presentation about E. E. Cummings that I’m just about to write now. “I think he...
“America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing...”
– E. E. Cummings
David Sedaris is doing a theater tour in October! Oh, David. Why are you gay? And why isn’t Amy?
deliciousmaliciousness: Driving through southern California i see a billboard that reads “My mother ALWAYS hated you Sarah” underneath it reads www.Ihatesarahmarshall.com I’m baffled. It took me almost two weeks to remember the last name, but tonight through my drunken stupor i remembered it and went to the website. I can’t decide if its serious, or the best marketing ploy ever. Someone please...
deliciousmaliciousness: caragh: I am exchanging Rob Huebel encounters with someone on facebook. My encounter was “once we made eye contact when I was wearing a fake mustache, but about 20 other people were also wearing fake mustaches. Including some dude with a real mustache.” Her encounter was “Once I stood a foot away from him, but my boyfriend has also smoked pot with him.” She wins this...
WHAT IS YOUR GUITAR HERO BAND NAME?! So far that is my favorite part about Guitar Hero. I’m not good at it at all, play it at easy and rarely get over 95%. I tried it on medium once and gave up before the song was over. I blame my green fret button, which sticks. My band name was The Matthew Perrys, but it accidentally got deleted so I started a new one called The May Gways, which...
Over the past couple weeks I’ve found myself saying “This one’s for all the ladieeeeesss in the house tonight” before doing things like cleaning the bathroom or eating a hot dog. It makes everything seem a lot more exhilerating. And obnoxious. I love it when I’m obnoxious when I’m by myself.
Diablo Cody is doing commentary on the US release of the Spaced DVDs. Stop ruining my life Diablo Cody. My hate for her has just snowballed into something I can’t control. The only thing of hers I’ve ever experienced was Juno and I LIKED Juno, so I don’t know how this has come about. All I know is that I want her to disappear forever.
Urination in The Urine Nation.
Urine Nation is the name of the next movie I will never write. I have not written at least a dozen movies and all of them have been excellent. Read the reviews: “[A]ll have been excellent.” - Caragh Urine Nation is the name of a movie about how we all come to our senses and realize that old people suck. They urinate all over the place because they are incontinent and then we decide to...
How is babby formed? →
Hardest laugh of the day. Watch it twice, it gets better.
our generation is fast
fatmanatee:muxtape launched yesterday, and already the ”why does everyone like this?” backlash has started! It’s not backlash, it’s actual wonderment and questioning (in my case). Like I said, it’s cool, I guess. It’s just nothing new. And Jakob Lodwick posted something about how muxtape solves one of our world’s biggest culture problems: finding new music....
You know you need to do laundry when you go to school wearing those shitty velour pants that girls think look cute and comfy (I don’t. I feel trashy.) And a baggy zipper up sweatshirt. With no shirt underneath. Or bra. Oh god, I hate today.
I am exchanging Rob Huebel encounters with someone on facebook. My encounter was “once we made eye contact when I was wearing a fake mustache, but about 20 other people were also wearing fake mustaches. Including some dude with a real mustache.” Her encounter was “Once I stood a foot away from him, but my boyfriend has also smoked pot with him.” She wins this one.
Am I the only one who doesn’t really care about muxtape? I mean, it’s cool, but how the hell is different than just uploading a bunch of songs somewhere? Now it’s all in one place? I don’t get why everyone is sucking muxtape’s dick.
I wonder if it will ever really matter where I live. I could live on Whitman St, Crown St or High St, but those are all just streets in Bridgewater, so it’s really not different. I could live in Bridgewater, Taunton or Quincy, but those are all just towns in Massachusetts, so really, it’s not that different. I could live in Massachusetts, New York or Alabama, but that’s all in...