May 2008
“You have to take it seriously, but to take it seriously you have to joke around...”
– My professor tonight, on education, over his beer and our pizza. I love, love, love when he said this. How can someone focus on anything, especially something you must LEARN instead of memorize, without having a little fun? The way I learn is broken and I need to learn how to fix that. This summer I...
My professor just took me and 5 other students out for pizza on his dime! And like, he also bought us each our OWN pizza, so there was plenty to bring home. Yay cool professors! ABNORMALLY cool professors! This guy also cares about our education and life decisions more than any other professor I’ve had. My English Comp 1 teacher was like that, too. They both promote creativity and fun as...
April 2008
Did I finally realize where to upload a profile picture thing for tumblr? Yep. Did I use one of the few photos from my myspace (trudging through a hundred or so facebook pictures is much too depressing) that has both no acne and no double chin, even if I am unnaturally pink? Yep. (Ps, it was from a series of photos that told a story. The story was me walking in on Kaileen masturbating and her...
topherchris’s dashboard theme is the only cool theme I’ve ever seen, which is why my tumblr is no longer Easter Egg Purple.
I have a really good story involving heroin, an attempted kidnapping, mail fraud, a warrant and my grandmother being forced to go into hiding until the whole issue was sorted out. Ok, it might not be THAT good for you, but it is fantastic for me and I’m going to post it tonight probably. Family secrets are fucking mint.
Sometimes there is a part of me that doesn’t want Hilary to win just because as a child I wanted to be the first female president. Even though I have no interest in politics. No seriously, none. Obama is good looking and speaks like a manly poet, so I will occasionally watch him. But basically I am horrible at being political. I’m not even registered to vote. This is because I feel...
5 year olds are the best comedians. I have the...
Liam: Were you there?
Mom: Where?
Liam: What?
Mom: Was I where?
Liam: Were you where what?
Mom: What?
Liam: WERE YOU THERE?
Mom: Yes, I was there.
Liam: Oh.
Fun Fact
When I was about four or five I didn’t get my way over something so I told my parents I was “going to kill myself”. In an effort to contract pneumonia that would surely immediately kill me before parental intervention, I proceeded to stand in front of an oscillating fan, in 90 degree weather, with my shorts rolled up. This was not my last “I WANT ATTENTION AND A...
There is a man who passes by my Abnormal Psych class everyday. Everyday he is wearing a purple sweatshirt. Everyday he walks by with the slow, unsteady shuffle of a zombie. Everday he looks directly at me, the one seat with direct viewing to the door, with his crooked, gnarled face. Sometimes he stops and just stares. I am not kidding when I say the first time this happened I jumped when he looked...
I wonder if anyone enjoys the quote “I’ve got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.” I feel like it’s one of the most underrated quotes from Saturday Night Live. Have you heard of this one cat, Christopher Walken? Wait ‘til I see you in person, I have the BEST impression of him constantly on the back burner of Conversational Pieces.
Since my grandfather died I have been a mess. There are a dozen blenders furiously pulsating in my head at all hours. Everytime I step into the newly furnished computer room, I see the picture my dad took at the wake. He, his nine siblings and my grandmother standing around the casket. The open casket. “The last picture of all of us together,” he’s said a dozen times, each one...
“To be honest with you, I could’ve gone about the entire situation a lot...”
– My aunt’s opening sentence to her “How I Accidentally Crapped Myself in a Tanning Booth” story she just told me.
I am slowly beginning to hate AIM, gmail chat and phone calls.
I do not give a fuck what I do for a living, I just want to be rich. I am not kidding. I should probably just go to school for business or advertising. Or Jew.
Is it acceptable for a 20 year old to play The Sims for an hour on her day off? If not, someone please give me lies I can give myself when I review my day as I’m trying to fall asleep tonight. Also, I lied. It was two hours. I know, Jesus Fucking Christ, I know.
“I have a secret that just won’t keep; all I want to do is brush your...”
– I just now got what this Barenaked Ladies lyric means. The creepy sexual song “In the Drink” just got more creepy and sexual. Unless I’m wrong with my interpretation and let’s be honest, I usually am.
dontshushme: “A dozen friends reporting on bars and parties and clubs, all of which was fine but none of which was the thing. Danny had no idea what the thing was. All he knew was that he lived more or less in a constant state of expecting something any day, any hour, that would change everything, knock the world upside down and put Danny’s whole life into perspective as a story of complete...
Like Miley!
gimcrack \JIM-krak, noun: 1. A showy but useless or worthless object; a gewgaw.
Having no iPod in my car is pretty much killing me. I am considering just sitting my laptop iin my passanger seat and plugging my FM Transmitter into the head phone jack…
One day when I was 14, after just getting off the school bus, I walked into my house, down the stairs and into my living room… To find my mother face down on the floor, the laundry spread around her, just as she dropped it during her deadly heart attack. Except it WASN’T a deadly heart attack, she was fucking faking it and after I screamed “MOM!”, she looked up and laughed...
Around day 4 of PMS, my thought process is something like this: Look at that small Korean child. I want it. I want to adopt so many Korean infants. Is there a limit as to how many Korean babies one can have in their house? After 3 do you need some sort of kennel license, like dogs? I want that baby. Oh my god, I want all of the world’s babies. I want 6 fetuses in my womb right this minute....
Sometimes I get angry at how sexy John Mayer is. Anyways, that’s been my day so far.
On the 17th of May I’m going to be on a whale watch. If this doesn’t evoke a slight sense of jealousy or nostalgia then let me tell you right now, you and me? We wouldn’t get along. Or we would, but our friendship would never involve whale discussion and what kind of friendship is that?
“It’s been six days and I’m doing ok. I don’t think it’s...”
– Doug Benson, six days without marijuana. Super High Me is really funny. Sarah Silverman takes a vaporized hit, Bob Odenkirk speaks his views and when Zach Galifianakis is looking for some weed, Doug Benson mentions to ask Rob Huebel. Many awesome comedians through out the movie.
I give up. I am going to drive to Alaska and live with the herds of bison or buffalo or whatever the shit I saw on that movie. I am going to live there in the always-cold part and one day while I’m making a snowangel, my morning ritual, I will just fall asleep and never wake up and there’s going to be a story in the newspaper and they’ll call me the Snow Angel of Death or...
If I see one more thing on the Internet that reads along the lines of “Remember when MTV used to play music? Neither do I,” I WILL SHOOT SOMEONE. AND IT’LL PROBABLY BE MY MOTHER, YOU GUYS BECAUSE THE OLDER I GET THE WORSE IT IS LIVING WITH MY FAMILY. SOMEONE GIVE ME MONEY TO MOVE INTO AN APARTMENT.
I wish I could walk around with a sign on my head that says “You guys. YOU GUYS. I’m a total dick, befriend with caution.”
“Don’t get raped or become a coke addict!”
– My farewell parting to my co-worker. Who, obviously, will be having a more exciting night than I. I need more nights where the chance of getting raped or becoming a coke addict is a real possibility.
The sorry state of masculinity in American movies →
Everything has been annoying me lately, so maybe this is something really stupid to be annoyed with. Anyways, between this article and the whole Judd Apatow Hates Females backlash I just… Actually I don’t know where I was going with that. What I’m trying to say is that people need to shut up and sit down. The grammar of film is always changing, this isn’t the first time...
“When everything else is THIS good-looking, somethings got to be messed up.”
– Ashton Kutcher, on his webbed toes. I actually really like Ashton Kuther duing interviews and things? And also his stupid movies, I like those too. Sorry, everyone.
planettampon: caragh: My joking/obnoxious post about Make Your Own Porno has taught me that everything halfway, even QUARTERWAY clever that I’ve thought of has been thought of before. Everything. Coincidentally, Niki and I were talking about your idea (I think it was yours?) for photo spreads of hot men with cute dogs earlier tonight. Because the other day I found a copy of my sister’s...
My joking/obnoxious post about Make Your Own Porno has taught me that everything halfway, even QUARTERWAY clever that I’ve thought of has been thought of before. Everything. Except for maybe The Fuck You Gun. Last summer I went to New Hampshire with a few friend and their friends and their friends. It was a good time. We made bear jokes, because we work with our surrounding area. Anyways,...
fatmanatee: caragh: If I were to start out a Make Your Own Porno business, where we had an option to allow the customer to star in the porno he wants to be created (for an obscene amount of money) would that be considered prostitution and illegal? Is there a special organization one has to register in for it to be considered legal to fuck someone for cash? Are real porn stars part of SAG?...
If I were to start out a Make Your Own Porno business, where we had an option to allow the customer to star in the porno he wants to be created (for an obscene amount of money) would that be considered prostitution and illegal? Is there a special organization one has to register in for it to be considered legal to fuck someone for cash? Are real porn stars part of SAG? Anyways, I’m pretty...
OFFICE SPOILER.
Click the “show spoilers” buttons in this thread to totally be saddened, but then EXCITED. Can I say this? The spin-off shows ALLEGED main character is one of two people I was hoping for. I would’ve hated it if anyone else got it.
My friend’s boyfriend dick is so big (how big is it?) that Magnum XL condoms are too tight. At first I laughed a lot until she told me that no, seriously, his huge dick is a problem in their relationship. Huge Dicks: Not all they’re cracked up to be? (ps, guess his ethnicity. This will make you feel racist, but I promise that the one you guess is totally correct.)
One of those days where “stress, stress, stress, stress, stress, stress” is just pounding in your head to the rhythm of your pulse. your motherfucking pulse. I know I need to go out and have some fun, but instead I am going to cancel all of my plans. YAY, I’M 75.
I honestly don’t know if I enjoy reading or listening to David Sedaris books more. I really don’t. He’ll be in Boston doing an in-store reading/meet and greet in less than two months! And then coming back for a fucking tour in October! DAVID, TAKE ME. We will find the government and ask them to cure your gay.
Everything is confusing! I’ve either entered a weird phase or I’ve recently had a stroke.