May 2008
How I know I am ovulating:
My desire to kidnap toddlers and infants grows tremendously. I even set a plan to only kidnap little ginger children, that way no one will suspect me.
tired-spirit: caragh: When I die I want my corpse pierced by a rotisserie that is hooked up in my coffin and whenever my descendants do anything awful that I would hate, I want someone to push a button that rolls me in my grave. This? This is genius. I am genuinely in awe. That’s how everyone should respond to all of my posts.
I was just on the phone with Verizon Wireless about a problem (which was equally my fault as it is there fault, but it was THEIR fault first) which may end in them shutting off my phone. I told them I had a kid, worked two jobs and it was very stressful for me to get to the FedEx place 25 miles away. When I actually work one part time job, have no school for 3 months and it’s a 20 minute...
Zach Galifianakis: Why?
Sarah Silverman: I'm not a religious person but... God, probably.
“I feel a graduation coming on, and it’s my graduation from the University...”
– Mal.
Literally 2 minutes ago I was listening to The Call by Regina Spektor, totally lezzing out on her beautiful voice and was wondering when the next time she was touring. I checked her website. RIGHT NOW. Well, when is she going to be in Boston? TOMORROW. Then I realized it was part of Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors tour. I really dislike Cyndie Lauper. I don’t even like Girls Just Wanna Have...
"What I am to be, I am now becoming." - Ben...
I love that quote. I love the comfort it brings, the immediate feeling of relief when I suddenly realize that the wheels are set in motion and it’s out of my control. I am constantly being catapulted into a new life without any written or verbal consent on my part and that’s ok. Someday, somehow, I will get to point B and it will be better than Disney. MAYBE IT WILL EVEN BE DISNEY....
Summer vacation was probably a lot more exciting before the internet came along.
When I die I want my corpse pierced by a rotisserie that is hooked up in my coffin and whenever my descendants do anything awful that I would hate, I want someone to push a button that rolls me in my grave.
winnr: Everytime I’m running for whatever reason, I have the biggest urge to push over the closest person and yell “I’VE GOT TO READ THE NEWS!”
“I have labelled myself as an anti-feminist feminist, and I think it suits me...”
– Björk - Winter Oyster 1995 (via claudia)
“I thought a prisoner escaped and stole a police car. And then his crew stole all...”
– Liam is smart and knows that all prisoners have crews.
Everything important that happens in the Sex and... →
I wouldn’t call myself a “hate-watcher”, only because Steve is so adorable and I love his voice and I would marry him in a heart beat. Everything else is boring or awful.
OH, GOD. I'm dying. I knew I would go young.
For the past week I’ve been smelling chlorine when I inhale through my nose quickly. I’ve never heard of this before in my life, so today when I googled “smell chlorine” I expected nothing, but the first thing that popped up was a message thread that talks about dental procedures and neurologists and that’s it, I’m dying, I have a brain tumor and I’m dying. (But seriously, someone please tell me...
Today is the first day since I got out of school that I have absolutely nothing to do. No work, no babysitting, no plans, NOTHING. Normally this is something I love. Last night I got excited. I promised myself that my eyes would not open before noon. I normally love days where I have to do jack shit. …But now I am bored and wish I went out? What the hell.
I think it’s pretty awesome that yesterday I thought my cold was gone, but today woke up today with a rattly chest every time I exhale. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but it’s pretty safe to say that I have pneumonia and will die pretty soon.
A regular customer at my work asked me if I would like to babysit her kid. On one hand, I hate watching kids not related to me. On the OTHER hand, I couldn’t get over the fact that a relative stranger trusts me to enter her home, filled with valuable, expensive items and care for her child which I could sell for a pretty good amount as well. I said yes.
So last night I read something (I can’t remember WHERE) that pointed out that Arrested Development was a pretty bad pun considering what happens during the series and… I had a stroke because I NEVER MADE THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THE NAME OF THE SHOW AND GEORGE SR.’S ARREST AND THE FACT THAT THEY DEVELOPED HOUSES. That required capital letters.
I know I have major paranoia issues, but it is still unsettling that today, while feeling extra ugly and disgusting, I caught my dog looked me up and down in disgust.
How to make me laugh:
Refer to a blow job as a blow-j.
Had a dream I had four nipples in a place nipples are not meant to be, woke up in a panic.
I’ve had the same 2 DVDs for 11 months. That’s ABOUT $154 dollars for Queer As Folk: The Final Season: Disc 3 and The Life Aquatic. Today I got really depressed about that, so instead of sending them back I just reported them as lost in the mail and now Netflix is sending me the next two in my queue. haha, Netflix, you push over.
“It might sound silly for me to think childish thoughts like these, but I’m...”
– The White Stripes.
Whenever I have a head cold I want to wear a sign assuring people that “I AM NOT NORMALLY A MOUTH BREATHER, I JUST HAVE NASAL CONGESTION.”
When I have a really awful and boring day ahead of me, I will sporadically have this dream the night before: I shut off my alarm, go upstairs to take a shower, come back down stairs , blow dry my hair, get dressed and put on my shoes. Then I wake up for real and cannot fucking believe I have to do the whole getting ready process over again. A process I already find annoying and repetitive on its...
“You know what a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They’re both looking...”
– I am SOOO late on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force bus.
Let me just put it out there that I don’t even know HOW to steal $4500 dollars, you guys. I’ve stolen from a carnival once, but it wasn’t like a ferris wheel or anything, it was stuffed animal and the man WATCHED me. We had an unspoken agreement. The only other things I’ve stolen: Things from work. The most expensive being a hamster. Political signs My mother’s eye...
Two weeks ago I misplaced a check given to my work. The bank called and said it wasn’t in the bag. No big deal, it was stamped on the back and written out to the store so it wasn’t like it was going to be cashed. The customer just reissued a new one. Today they call and ask my manager what kind of person I was. Then went on to say that $4500 was missing from their checking account....
“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are...”
– Sylvia Plath (via claudia) My reaction immediately after reading: Awwww, CRAP.
I think my general awfulness is due in part to the color of my hair. There is a distinct annoying quality to red heads. The girl on my bus had bad breath, Prince Harry will never be king and Cynthia Nixon is a lesbian. And then there’s Carrot Top.
15 Reasons Mister Rogers Was the Best Neighbor... →
I feel like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode titled Dickesode was made especially for me. “Wall-to-wall dick carpeting?”
Whenever I think of Brian Posehn saying “I AM good at karate, Steve” on The Sarah Silverman Program I break out in an almost-laughing grin. I don’t even know if that’s exactly how it goes. Also: Kenneth the Page’s “Do Ya’ll just have noodles with butter?”
R Kelly's Lawyer Uses "The Little Man" Defense
paulscheer: [R. Kelly’s attorney], in an attempt to suggest that Kelly’s head could have been superimposed onto somebody else’s body in the sex tape, asked [gal on witness stand] whether she had seen the Wayans brothers’ movie “Little Man.” [Attorney] said, “They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn’t it?” But, to widespead laughter, [gal on witness stand] replied,...
sarahchristine: caragh: - My boss’s 27 year old daughter has had 3 abortions in less than a year and has just been diagnosed with The Hep. - I don’t know, I guess that’s all, I just wanted a bulleted list. Is “The Hep” hepatitis? How is this related to the abortions? Is that how she got it? Sorry, so many questions. And while, I’m all for abortion rights, a sidenote: after the first...
- My boss’s 27 year old daughter has had 3 abortions in less than a year and has just been diagnosed with The Hep. - I don’t know, I guess that’s all, I just wanted a bulleted list.
Oh, I totally forgot - A 30/40 pound Lab bit my neck a couple days ago as I gave him a shot. It hurt like fuck, but there wasn’t a mark a few hours later. Unless they are 6 weeks old or 10 years old, I HATE LABRADOR FUCKING RETREIVERS.
When I was trying to fall back into a head-cold induced sleep earlier I could hear someone channel surfing the ol’ boob tube in the living room. They stopped just long enough for this one dude (news reporter? commentator? Sesame Street character?) tell a story about a little boy who was dying of cancer (DON’T THEY ALL?). One day his uncle looked down at him and said, “bad day,...
I miss possessing the ability to breathe through my nose. The good ol’ days. Yesterday.
I had a dream that Keri Russel of Felicity fame committed suicide. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her act in anything, including Felicity. Also, I have a cold.
“Do you ever set your TiVo to record, like, Lost? And when you come home it...”
– OMG Dane Cook is THOOOOO hilariouth. (via planettampon) It is insane that this man takes shit like this and is able to turn it into something that can sell out stadiums. He is a marketing genius over anything else. Especially comedian.
I am so much more clever in the shower than anywhere else. Showers leave me feeling clean and depressed that I didn’t think of all of those comebacks/responses earlier when they were needed.