June 2008
Blerg, basically.
The Gnarly Blow-Js.
I don’t know why this phrase has been stuck in my head since leaving work an hour and a half ago, but it has. Maybe it can be a band name. Or the name of a documentary about bad oral sex stories. The Gnarly Blow-J Chronicles.
Sry
7 Sites Redone, If Girls Ruled the Internet... →
Ok, so, I am not exactly a feminist. Not much offends me when it comes to jokes about women. I hate women. I am pro-rape and women slavery.
This doesn’t OFFEND me at all, I just don’t get the joke for this article? Like, what kind of women does the author hang out with? Because he should probably get some new womens in his life if they give him this impression.
Unless it’s...
beckyblurtsout: what's your neopets name?
X TugboatCaptain: NO BECCA
X TugboatCaptain: DONT MAKE ME
beckyblurtsout: WHAT ISSSS IT
X TugboatCaptain: OH NO
beckyblurtsout: cmon!!
beckyblurtsout: we're friends!!
X TugboatCaptain: werewolfbarmitzvah22 :-(
beckyblurtsout: NO WAY
beckyblurtsout: HAHAHAH
X TugboatCaptain: werewolfbarmitzvah was taken
X TugboatCaptain: hahahaah
beckyblurtsout: hahah why that?
X TugboatCaptain: on 30 rock tracy jordan sings a song out of no where called werewolf abr mitzvah
beckyblurtsout: im signing up as prayingtowardsbecca
X TugboatCaptain: werewofl abr mitzvah
beckyblurtsout: and im going to get more NP than you
X TugboatCaptain: spooky scary
X TugboatCaptain: boys becoming men
X TugboatCaptain: MEN BECOMING WOLVES
X TugboatCaptain: hahaha
X TugboatCaptain: good luck bitch
beckyblurtsout: hahaha
beckyblurtsout: are there new pets?
X TugboatCaptain: i thinkkkkk so
X TugboatCaptain: i got a jub jub and named him FootsiePotato
beckyblurtsout: im naming my pet caragh's bane
X TugboatCaptain: HAHAH
(Note: Caragh only created a Neopets account because she was bored and wanted to play the games. She made the mistake of telling me about this.)
(via etrangere.tumblr.com)
Hi, I'm 20.
I received the best/strangest/best compliment of my life. Granted this stranger was shit-faced, but he told me that I reminded him of the nice, comforting things from his childhood and I gave him the same feeling Fraggle Rock did.
I was like, “obviously.”
I just received a voicemail from my boss that was basically a bunch of mumbling. I called her back and she half-cryingly/drunkenly told me I didn’t need to work for her tomorrow morning. Then she told me, you’ve been a great listener. You’ve been a special person, a good friend. Thank you.
So basically I’m pretty sure my boss is commiting suicide tonight.
this is the best way to ask out a chick i have... →
(via itsbedtime)
“All of your grocery shopping will be done by machinery, as well as the...”
– Nancy Farmer, 1921. (via niki)
Rock show! You came to see a rock show! A big, gigantic cock show!
Is it any surprise that I am a fan of Peaches?
I just survived my first real hangover in over 2 years. Granted it was minor, but please keep in mind that my job consists of hearing 35 puppies barking in my ear while I occasionally clean up dog shit. WINCE.
Cannot stop laughing at the videos we took. My friends are funny and drunk. Most of the night consisted of singing.
“I may be a millionaire but this sort of thing still hurts”
– I think Jakob will be fine without Tumblr. (via extrafirmhold)
UGHHH. Also, this from the same post:
“Unfortunately, my line of work requires me to aim high. If you can’t stomach that, fine, but consider the long-term effects of bashing me and others who goals are to innovate. Entrepreneurs,...
At the time it seemed like a good idea to have my last drink of the night at 7 AM on a Wednesday morning. At the time.
“…WE GOT CAUGHT.” - me in a video I have when a dude walked in on me and Kaileen pumping the keg at 6:45 AM.
“Give me more! Give me a whole ‘nother beer more!” - me no longer caring how sad we must’ve looked to this dude.
So yesterday someone with a Hawaiian IP address searched for “Mike Myers” and viewed the Mike Myers Might Be Gay post I had, 3 separate times.
And then today I saw pictures of Mike Myers on the beach in Hawaii from yesterday.
I hope it was him, but it would also make me feel bad? But mostly I hope it was him.
“CARAGH I keep forgetting to tell you.
*** ******* has an account with my bank and I had to do his transactions the other day. It was all I could do to not start laughing and IT WAS SO AWKWARD.
(For anyone who cares, *** ******* is a kid whose front lawn we and a bunch of our friends forked senior year FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Just because his lawn was there. And he found out it was...
Driving home from work, Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” comes on the radio. I do what any self-respecting 20-something would do in this position and start to pretend I am in the car with Wayne, Garth and their buddies.
30 seconds later things get a little out of hand, what with the head banging, and the singing, and the not seeing the cars in front of me stopping, and the tires...
Regarding the rumors that Mike Myers is a big, ol’ fagatron:
I wonder if it’s true or someone trying to get revenge after seeing The Love Guru.
Just because it’s a Polaroid it doesn’t mean your picture is goddamn art or exquisite or some shit, you hipster fucks.
ROAR, or something.
Comedian George Carlin dies at 71 →
(via erockappel)
Woah.
After I was done sweeping the floor at work, I rested the broom ever so gently against the wall. And then it magically bounced back and hit my lip, which promptly went numb and started to bleed and is just now starting to go down in swelling.
EVERYTHING IS AWFUL AND I’M LEAVING FOREVER.
Mom: And then Dr. R___ said the wisest thing, she said to her "you're a good person and you must remember that it is"... Wait, no, she said "to be a good person"... "Being a good"... Oh, wait, ok. "You're a good person and you must remember that it is good to be good, but it means nothing if you are not smart." Isn't that great? I'll never forget it.
Me: Except you almost just did... Mom, didn't you almost run over Dr. R___ last year?
Mom: Yes. Yes.
“horrors of the internets: lodwick and topherchris. kill them with fire”
– Whoever submitted that to topherchris’s site needs a lot of money and blowjobs. (via niki)
I’m not familiar with topherchris, but the other dude needs some dicks shoved into just every hole. Every hole.
Ohh, baby. I wanna get witcha And take yo’ piktcha.
“Don’t think about sex, don’t think about sex, don’t think...”
– Jerri Blank
“It’s the first time I’ve met an Injun, and let me tell you, he’s like a Mexican...”
– Cherise Kimball. SORRY I AM ON A RENO 911 BINGE AND IT’S ALL SO GOOD. (via niki)
i drank some tea it burned my tongue and hurt my mouth, my throat, my lung so curse i did of how it stung but stopped to think that maybe life, like that hot drink, is something fraught with hurt and strife though comfort’s sought it’s growth that’s earned and can’t be taught and as the latter to the former sometimes you must get burned in order to be warmer
Demetri...
Restraining orders, heart attacks, hospital visits, crying fits, checking and rechecking door locks and windows, bleeding fucking everywhere.
How was your goddamn week?
I guess when things go horrible for the people you love it really puts other things into perspective. Like, maybe the fact that Bear Grylls and I will never consensually rape isn’t that big of a deal in retrospect?
That IS...
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
– Calvin Coolidge was either full of shit or a robot.
“My jaw still hurts a little, but I totally love the idea that I was dressed SO...”
– Marshall, on getting a homophobic punch to the face.
It pays to have a name at the top of the...
Haha!
(Phone Rings Kelsey's Ringtone)
Shorty got those Apple Bottom Jeans, boots with the fur.
Alex: "Hello bean!"
Kelsey: silence
Alex: "Kelsey?"
Kelsey: "Day after day after day..."
Alex: "KELSEY!!!"
Kelsey: "Hello" (obviously very confused)
Alex: "Dude what the hell?"
Kelsey: "Where did you come from?"
Alex: "You called me!"
Kelsey: "Oh wow that was weird, I was just hanging out in the bathroom and I heard a muffled voice say my name."
Alex: "Who were you talking to when you said 'day after day...?"
Kelsey: "Oh myself, I was just talking out loud about how I have to go to work day after day after day..."
Trudy Wiegel: What if I said, "Which nigger took the last donut?"
Jim Dangle: That is wildly inappropriate.
Terry: I heard a rumor.
Trudy: What's that, Ter?
Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.
Featured under “Cool New Videos” on Myspace is the Bass-O-Matic skit from Saturday Night Live.
Which aired 32 years ago.
Same co-worker who will repeatedly send you...
Co-Worker (12:16:32 AM): i as at some party and the cops showed up Co-Worker (12:16:36 AM): and rick james was blaring Co-Worker (12:16:39 AM): it was funny as fuckin shit
Missed call/voicemail at 12:18 AM: “Dude I was at a party and Rick James was blaring when the cops showed up, it was so fucking funny. Just thought I’d let you in on it.”
Text at 12:21 AM: “So ya,cops came and rick james was...
Matt's reaction to my amazing Vag-erwear idea from...
Matt: shaves of the week isnt too great either
Matt: i think u can do better
Me: what the fuck are you talking about
Me: that's the funniest i've ever been
Matt: SHAVES of the week. I laughed about it at work today. By myself. Just me and dogs.
Me: It's making me actually smile right now.