July 2008
Depressing Fact of the Day:
Whoopi Goldberg has had “about 50 lovers”.
Becca: But the Greeks found small penises more attractive.
Me: Well, I'm not Greek.
Musique Automatique! →
“Do you think it will be cold then? We went to Prague once in winter and it was...”
– Ricky Gervais
I just wrote a decent-sized entry about Becca, and The Wonders of Our Friendship. Then I decided not to post it. Probably because I don’t want her to know that I still treasure her deeply and appreciate our friendship more than ever.
BECCA, DON’T READ THAT. READ THIS: I’M GOING TO DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEART. FIRST A FIGURATIVE ONE WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I HATE YOU, THEN A...
I can be sassy, but I can never be BLACK and sassy. I just feel like this limits me in a lot of ways.
“Hey, Caragh, want to know what I call Batman’s crew? The Bat-stards. HAH!”
– My brother, age 5. Who is much more funny and clever than so many of my peers.
If Will Ferrell ever manages to create or star in a movie that I can describe as “funny” I will be surprised and excited and I might pee my pants a little.
Until then he is just a white Eddie Murphy.
Come back, Will Ferrell. Come back and make me laugh.
Every once in awhile I check my phone’s notepad because whenever I get drunk/stoned/whatever at a party I decide that I am hilarious/genius/a demi-god/not too bad.
And then I write myself brilliant ideas so I won’t forget them in the morning.
Except I do, I ALWAYS do. My memory of Under The Influence Nights leaves me before I start acting under the influence. I think. Probably?
...
My favorite SNL skit, bar none.
Chris Farley: Right. I think we... I think we got time for one more question. Uh... remember when you were in The Beatles? And, um, you did that album Abbey Road, and at the very end of the song, it would... the song goes, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make"? You... you remember that?
Paul McCartney: Yes.
Chris Farley: Uh... is that true?
Paul McCartney: Yes, Chris. In my experience, it is. I find, the more you give, the more you get.
Chris Farley: [points at Paul and mouths "AWESOME!"]
Today a father came into the pet store with 6 kids who were all 10 or under. They were the worst. One of them continuously asked me if he could hold a dog and I was like, dude, what part of “we have to wait 30 minutes after they eat before we can take them out” do you not understand? Oh, all of it? Because you’re like 4? Oh, ok.
After begging for ages to hold a reptile, their...
In Montpellier I stayed in a château A boy climbed into my bed and he knew no boundaries And in Amsterdam I got quite crazy Might have been all the tulips and canals Or it might have been all that hash, and in Barcelona, buenos dias, chocolato, le Picasso And in Brussels, clean-cut hostel And in London, me and the French existentialists… In Corsica I floated away All the way to...
This is a song I wrote when I was driving behind an old person for about 15 minutes:
Old people I fucking hate you Just die already, why are you resisting? (repeat 5 x)
“What have I done to deserve love? asks the humble lover… What have I done to be...”
– — Alain de Botton
(via meaghano)
The past tense of the phrase “Glow in the dark” is not “Glue in the darked”. I don’t know why I thought it would be ok to pretend it was during conversation.
I suddenly just remembered that time I got into a straight up argument with a homeless man about whales when I was 16. He was collecting money for whales, but he was homeless and the sign was homemade so I think whales is code for cheap whiskey.
So.
yellowzebra:
Have you ever missed someone that you kinda really really really wish you didn’t miss as much as you do? Like you were hoping time away from that person would make you feel differently? But you just feel exactly the same and you know that they just don’t quite miss you as much as you miss them? And pretty much that’s why you don’t want to miss them, but you do. A lot.
This...
I entered the computer room where the desktop and router are to see what was up as my laptop couldn’t find a connection to the Internet.
Sitting behind the desk is my mother. The only thing more startling than seeing my mother actually using a computer was the look on her face. Something awful had just happened, her face contorted in a mix of anger and bewilderment. My grandmother died?...
WatchCutest grandmother.
I can’t believe how high my expectations were for The Dark Knight and how far the movie actually surpassed those expectations?
I basically hate all summer blockbuster movies. I don’t MEAN to, I’m not that annoying person who hates stuff just because everyone else likes it, it just so happens that action movies make me space out and wonder why I paid $10 to sit in a room...
Margaret Atwood, she could not stop me Virginia...
I know that this is both morally and logically unsound, but the thought of an evil midget terrifies me so much more than the thought of an evil 5’ 10” man.
By the way, I still remember the first time I saw a little person. I was 4 and no one had gone over the fact that they are real people with me, I had only seen them in movies and assumed that they were make believe, just like every...
My manager and assistant manager have been fighting for the past 4 months and things have never been going better for me at work.
I’m pretty sure my boss is trying to get me on her “side”, what with the drunken phone calls, punching me in several hours early and saying I can come in late.
Today I was suppose to be in at one. It’s 2:44! I’ve been punched in for over...
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooo hottttttttttttttttttt.
91 degrees, I don’t even think this is the hottest it’s been this month. It feels more awful. My pink Irish skin is not made for this. I am so sick of getting freckles. My skin is going to look so godawful when I’m 30. EVERYTHING IS AWFUL.
For the past several weeks I’ve been trying to curb my swearing.
Result: hahahahahahahhahahaha.
Swearing is here to stay. Sometimes letting out a hearty “MOTHERFUCKER” feels too good, an orgasm from the vocal cords to the lips.
etrangere:
Caragh’s gay.
SHE SAYS THIS IN PUBLIC, BUT WHAT DOES SHE SAY IN PRIVATE?
beckyblurtsout: grood night, bitchfucker beckyblurtsout: I LOOOVE YOOOOU YOU ARE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL TO ME AND I COULD NEVER REPLACE YOU
(But maybe she said that in public because I didn’t say anything in response to that. I’M SORRY BECCA, I WENT UPSTAIRS TO GET A GLASS OF MILK and then I played...
Why did something I post have to show up on the tumblr radar this week. Why couldn’t this have happened 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago I’m pretty sure that I was so much funnier. Remember that awesome Hot Asian/Pokemon joke I made, guys? Oh man. I do. That was my peak. My zenith.
I have no news except that today when I went to the dermatologist, on 1 hour of sleep, he told me that I had a...
So I’m dying my hair for the first time ever on Wednesday. Although in 8th grade I dyed the tips blue. God, I hate 8th grade me.
So I’m going from auburn/red to a darker brunette with some deep red… I think.
My hair isn’t bad, if you don’t mind red hair. I actually like it 70% of the time. It’s not orange and when I’m outside the sun hits it in a really...
Mom: Once you go black, you never go back.
Me: Once you go white, you stay really tight.
B: Oh god.
Me: Once you go... vagina... ... ... things never felt fine-a?
B: What.
Me: Once you go Asian...
B: You stay away forever.
Liam the 5 year old: OH MY GOD. This is the BIGGEST. NICKEL. I've ever seen!
Me: Liam, it's a quarter.
So I don’t know how much of this will ring true in the morning, because none of my high highs or low lows feel anything but a cliched mess the morning after, but I’m going to hit “create post” anyway, because I can always delete at a later date.
I’m done with being sorry. I’m done with feeling ashamed. I’m done with wondering what kind of shit my friends...
You know what makes me not believe in aliens? Everrryttthiiiiing.
You know what makes me question my non-belief in aliens? The fact that Area 51 is guarded 24/7 by authorized people with binoculars and guns who have the right to shoot or deport you if you cross the (basically) imaginary line or simply take a picture.
Oh god, I just want to know the government’s secrets sobad.
Tonight I...
1. The store vet told us to “exterminate” this gerbil with an infected leg that had to be swollen 5 to 6 times the size of his uninjured leg. Why did the Asshole Sorry Excuse For A Vet Who Lost His License Once Before not treat him? Because Leroy, the 2 month gerbil, is not a $2000 puppy. Guess what Caragh did. Caragh said “fuck that” and has been treating the gerbil....