August 2008
Heard on the radio, August 30, 2008 9:52 PM:
“Hi, I’d like to request that new single from MIA, Paper Planes?”
I’m not a music snob and I’m GLAD an artist I like is getting more money than she was before with her new found popularity, but… come on…
I’m pretty sure that after last night I am all high-ed out for the rest of my goddamned life. This summer has been the summer of substance abuse and man, did it go out with a bang. I’m 20, this is ok. I BOUNCE BACK.
I remember interupting the entire room to say “You guys, I don’t know, but I once ran into 3 people with Tourettes in the same day and it was...
I’m off to BJs with Kaileen. I’ve never been to BJs before. I don’t know what BJs sells. I don’t know what BJs is. BJs.
“Twenty years ago they kicked me out of the medical community for trying to put...”
– That is an actual line in the new Vin Diesel movie Babylon A.D. (via azizisbored)
“Get loved, make more, try to stay alive.”
– Rilo Kiley
$110 short sleeve jacket-type thing at 80% off for $23.
I KNOW. THE EXPERIENCE WAS SO GREAT THAT I’M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
Whatever.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower tried too hard.
There. I said it. That’s been on my chest since junior high. Just like breasts. (Puberty, you guys.)
Whenever I start to hum, which turns out to occur only when I’m the computer with no music playing, it always, ALWAYS turns into Auld Lang Sin. And it’s always a little (a lot) off pitch, and slightly slow with lots of pauses where pauses shouldn’t occur and… It’s just the definition of sad when you’re sitting at home, on the internet, humming Auld Lang Sin in...
So apparently here’s what my friend and I do after smoking a bowl:
Have a dance party
Watch a documentary on the remaining survivors from the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Watch Intervention.
Only one of those things are good ideas.
OHHHH.
DISCUSSED AND DISGUST ARE HOMONYMS. I didn’t realize this until just now?
Once my elementary school teacher was teaching us about homonyms and wanted us to make up separate sentences for them to help distinguish. I, apparently a cunt even back then, taught my fellow students “Which witch is which?”
My teacher forced me to write new sentences. Whatever.
I mean, I don’t WANT to admit this, okay, but it’s so weird that I feel like I must.
Last night. Last night I had a dream. A nightmare, rather. A nightmare wherein my father told me calmly that he was sleeping with his brother. My uncle. To make it worse, it is the uncle that I fought with daily when he lived here. I mean, if my dad is going to participate in incest, at least do it...
Watchsharingtime:
Eugene Mirman reports from the DNC. Very funny!
“The quest to find yourself is an overrated thing concerning not very interesting...”
– This is probably the last one. For tonight. Karl is the best thing that’s ever happened to my life.
“Everything changes, except death. Billions have died before us, so it can’t be...”
– KL gets deep, stays simultaneously fierce and nonchalant.
“Chanel is an institution, and you have to treat an institution like a whore –...”
– Karl Lagerfeld, put it in me.
“They sent a private jet. I said, ‘It’s too small. I need a bigger plane.’ It’s...”
– Karl Lagerfeld. We should all aspire to be that fierce.
When the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king What he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight And he’ll win the whole thing before he enters the ring There’s no body to batter when your mind is your might So when you go solo, you hold your own hand And remember that depth is the greatest of heights And if you know where you stand, then you know where to land And if...
whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch.
I wonder how many people I would be closer to if I never opened up. If I didn’t present myself so cynical and dirty-mouthed. If I wasn’t so free with my history of depression and antidepressants.
I’m thinking about innocent, drunk conversations I had months ago. Conversations that don’t matter. I can’t even accept compliments when my body is so inebriated that I tip...
Fun Fact:
Famous Right Elbows My Left Elbow Has Touched:
Gavin Castleton (skin on skin)
Dave Chappelle (expensive leather on skin)
Two or three years ago I went to some shitty concert at the request of a friend. When I say “shitty” I mean “My Chemical Romance were headlining” and also that band Monty (then Monty Are I) were opening. I wouldn’t go so far as to call them shitty, but I will say that their asses appeal to me much more than their music. And from what I recall, only one had a nice...
“In the end, everything is a gag.”
– Charlie Chaplin (via whokilled)
Oh my god, I lost no followers after publicly admitting that I, a redheaded, white college girl, must forcibly restrain herself from using the n-word in jest after watching Katt Williams?
Surely someone objects. Just unfollow, all of you. It’s even better if you’re asian or Indian because if you’re black and unfollow it’s just so OBVIOUS. I didn’t capitalize asian...
doubleyoudoubleyoudoubleyou:
The other day I stole an orange from a market stall. It was EXACTLY like Aladdin.
Street rat. Scoundrel.
This is the severalth day in a row in which I was awake before 7 AM. This is completely and utterly out of character, as I rarely see 10 AM unless I have work or school that morning.
Snooze Cruise, cabin for one.
You know those days when you had less than three hours of sleep? And then you must work 9 hours? At a place where seats don’t exist for employees? Which is fine, because it would only be Temptation Island in the middle of the Gothic Teenage sea because you work in a fucking mall? And also a security guard over heard you speaking to a dog like it knew the plight...
Today is a funny day, I CAN FEEL IT.
hmm
kelsielubsthebub:
i love thatpeople think being on a boat suddenly gives them permission to wave at everyone. it’s like, you’re still an asshole….just nautical.
“Pre-marital sex: FOR THE SIN!”
– Dooce
There is something almost perversely enjoyable in someone who you are nearly certain you have never met nor seen before in your entire life addressing you by name. Until you realize that chances are you just met while black-out drunk and then you wonder why they are talking to you, because you can bet a large sum of money that the last time you held a conversation with them you were covered in...
“I’m going to write ‘boners ahoy’ on a bathroom wall and then...”
– T-Rex.
Also, my humor for the past year has consisted of cock jokes? This is backwards. I’m suppose to be getting more mature. I wonder if people are annoyed yet. I would be.
So maybe I have 6 anos of espanol under my belt, mi amigos. That isn’t going to stop me from taking Espanol one this semester. I have standards, people. And those standards are “get the fucking most out of something while putting forth as pequeno effort as possible.”
It’s been too long since I’ve been to a haunted house.
Why are all the best things seasonal. Best Things being egg nog and haunted houses, of course.
Michael Showalter said that a lot of people thought Wet Hot American Summer was all kinds of unfunny because of jokes like when one of the characters slips and falls on a banana peel. He pointed out that those are the people who missed the joke completely. The joke wasn’t that he slipped on a banana peel, the joke was that they made a joke about slipping on a banana peel.
I think that is...
