October 2008
I’m just pissed that mosquitos think they can do this to me.
September 2008
“Peace out with your crease out.”
– My friend Kaileen’s wonderful feminine idea to counteract the masculine “rock out with your cock out.”
Whenever I feel upset about not being able to have something, I try and force myself to remember that there was a time in my life where I vowed to never be happy unless I made out with Brian Littrell from The Backstreet Boys.
Then again, I have a prescription for antidepressants that I refuse to refill, SO LOOK WHAT NOT MAKING OUT WITH BRIAN LITTRELL FROM THE BACKSTREET BOYS WHEN I WAS 9 DID FOR...
Most of the time I feel like a bumbling mess of awkward. My laughter constantly sounds too loud and occasionally forced, my contributions to existing conversation feels asinine and unimportant and whenever I try telling a story I rush my way through, because halfway through I can’t help but focus on the silence of the other person. Which is bullshit, because what’s the other person...
I just realized that I am all grown up. I only realized this because after thinking about it, a pedophile wouldn’t want to rape me or even molest me. Not even a little bit.
Jeeze, end of an era, right guys?
I love my grandparents. That said, can we just issue a ban on the elderly already. It’s not them, it’s me. I know it is. I can’t help it. They remind me of my inevitable demise, the inescapable aging process. No one takes them seriously and it’s just so sad. Which is why I want them all locked up. I hate anything that makes me feel emotion.
My boss’s mother is in a...
“BUT I AM DEAR, I AM.”
– - MAMA PETRELLI.
OHHHH HEROOOESSSSSSSSSS.
(I wrote this out two nights ago when I watched Heroes when I wasn’t sober. This was literally my reaction at 3:15 AM. My audible reaction.)
After thinking it over, I realize that the nightmare portion of my dreams last night wasn’t the part where I saw pictures of murdered, mutilated women, it was when one of the Golden Girls threw a used sex toy into my car.
Blech.
I had a dream the Golden Girls, minus Sophia, tried to rob my house. As I was pulling out of my driveway they pulled in. Oh, cute, old ladies, I thought. Then they threw a vibrator in my car and said “I hope other people can use this if it’s used.” I said thanks, because I figured they were old and senile. Then I drove away and as I looked in my rearview mirror I saw them hop...
“I got it from a black kid wearing Nike shoes and a football jersey.”
– This is what my co-worker said when she was caught smoking weed by the police. They did not question her any further.
When in doubt, blame the black kid. A black kid. Any black kid. Cops don’t care, even Hispanic would probably work.
Oh, today I accidentally stepped on a banana peel!
One of the best things that’s ever happened to me because it is the closest I will get to being in a Loony Tunes cartoon.
(REQUIRED LISTENING: Hall & Oates, “Rich Girl”...
I just IMed a friend a picture of my foot filings from my Ped-Egg.
That’s what you’re signing up for when you decide to speak to me.
I’m a classy, classy broad.
“I love you Frankie.”
– no one ever (via bonusjonas) (via jessicap)
Literal LOL.
“You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters...”
– Jerri Blank. (via planettampon)
The older I get the more I unknowingly take on Jerri Blank’s sense of morality. I’m fine with it.
My hunk of a baby brother started kindergarten earlier this month. He has already turned down a girl, a cute little blonde named Emma.
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”
“No.”
“That’s fine, I already have boyfriends.”
Despite her obvious attempt at saving face, she is still pursuing and I don’t think he’s complaining. Last week he...
I hate bugs that fly around like they just don’t give a fuck.
I wish someone told me that waxing your legs was in the “incredibly satisfying pain” category, rather than the “oh my god, my skin, where is my skin” category like I had previously believed.
Fully convinced, by the way, that the power adaptor for macbooks is the worst piece of nonfunctional shit I’ve ever come across. If it’s not falling out of the wall socket, it’s being ripped out of the port thing on my computer.
It’s impossible to me to sit in one place when I’m on the computer for a longish time. From the bed, to the desk, to the couch, the kitchen...
btdubs part 2, that post I made earlier about Harland Williams making me laugh so hard my abs hurt. By abs I meant abdominal wall, because there is definitely no abs here.
Can you even imagine how fucking disgusting teeth were back in the AD years? How did anyone manage to kiss? Or was this pre-kissing? Didn’t the Chinese bring the concept of kissing over? Kissing and fireworks.
(I’m going to start a band/book/movie and call it The Concept of Kissing, btdubs. Don’t steal.)
The girl with the butterfly tattooed tit had to partner up with me for the day’s assignment. She was actually very nice, but I noticed that part of the butterfly disappeared into her cleavage. All other characteristics are irrelevant when part of your tattoo disappears into folds of skin.
HI, MY NAME IS CARAGH. THERE IS NOTHING GREAT ABOUT ME, BUT I WILL STILL JUDGE YOU INCESSANTLY.
you're sitting in my spanish
you’re sitting in my spanish class seat and you have a butterfly tattoo on your tit. You make my life miserable.
meaghano:
youngmanhattanite:
4. Diablo Cody thinks you’re the douchebag.
I’m sorry if you think I’m like some inked-up quasi-Suicide Girl derby cunt from 2002, but I like my fake name. It’s engraved on an Oscar. Yours isn’t.
I just read the entire quote at the link. Oh my god, do I like Diablo Cody now?
I’m worried.
Oh hey, don’t leave a styrofoam plate on a stove-top burner that was just turned off, because shit like melting happens.
If I was never taught a language, I wonder what my brain would sound like.
I realize I don’t think to myself, “Open cupboard, grab cup, close cupboard, pour delicious Diet Pepsi,” but when I sit and think my very deep, very important, very mature, and just all around excellent thoughts I tend to think with words… I think… Maybe… Oh god, I’m not sure now?...
I think Ricky Gervais hit the nail on the head when he described the problem with water was that it was “too boring”.
“I got bubbles and I’m gonna bring them, okay?”
– Liam making plans with his friend over the phone.
I am so jealous that he’s in kindergarten. I loved being five.
Except when someone in my kindergarten class made fun of me for having a Barney playing football messenger bag. Listen kid, 1) Messenger bags are cool now, I WAS AHEAD OF THE...