January 2009
After I pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, I dug the phone out of my pocket and saw that my jacket had made a phone call to my co-worker. A phone call that lasted 1 minute, 34 seconds, roughly 13 minutes prior. I quickly looked at the recent plays on my iPod and determined that yep, I was definitely singing loudly at the time this call was made.
At first, embarrassment. Boatloads....
When I quit the pet store, or am fired for constantly ignoring everyone and everything, one of the things I’ll miss the most is sticking my hand forearm-deep into the 30 pound bag of bird seed and just swishing it around, and wiggling my fingers. It is theraputic heaven like you wouldn’t believe.
I will also miss getting manicures while on the clock. There are few things more...
“There’s something to be said for not having no free time for trifling mother...”
– Molls
I’m applying this to my life starting now. I hang out with way too many miserable/selfish people simply out of Friendship Habit.
Thoughts
Oh my god, Katt Williams’ and Anais Nin’s Life Lessons are eerily similar.
“If all of us acted in unison as I act individually there would be no wars and no...”
– I can’t get over it. Why did no one expose me to Anais Nin in my early teens? Why? I want to repeatedly bang my head against my wall because this is just too perfect. I want to write this quote on a piece of paper, fold it twice, seal it in an envelope and never let anyone read it ever again....
“Good things happen to those who hustle.”
– Holy shit you guys, I’m a fucking lesbian for Anais Nin. THIS IS MY LIFE MANTRA. It’s been my life mantra for the past year and I just never knew it.
“Don’t get any ideas.”
– Matt, as we passed an Asian toddler.
My obsession with Asian babies has transcended from tumblr posts to real life. It’s an issue and I really need to work on it because statistically speaking, I’m probably not going to mate with an Asian dude. I just don’t encounter enough. Maybe...
Thoughts
Katy Perry has a cat named Kitty Purry. The moment I found out I became so full of jealousy because nothing in my life has ever worked out for me the way her cat naming situation worked out for her.
Have begun mentioning this in casual conversation.
When I was younger I use to take my palm and pound it against the top of my head. It doesn’t hurt. It makes a nice, solid thud sound and shakes your vision. It keeps your thoughts in line. Much later, I watched I Heart Huckabees, where two characters slam a rubber ball into their faces in an effort to experience Nothingness and being here without really being here.
I related.
For the first...
“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom...”
– Anais Nin, my new favorite.
“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly...”
– Hey, Anais Nin. You and I would get along if you weren’t so dead.
So this customer walked into the bank I work at today and he looked a bit familiar. After looking at his deposit slip, I realized who he was.
It was a real struggle to not say “Hey, your older brother was the reason why I was once locked in a basement as a drunk man with a hatchet was preparing to ‘defend’ himself against a man who was ridiculously fucking angry and high off of...
The Great American Smoke-Out
dearoldlove:
Our relationship proved my theory: There’s no problem you can’t solve by sitting on the couch and getting stoned until the situation fixes itself. In this case, you leaving.
Oh my god, someone has the same Life Theory as me.
I mean, I don’t think you should smoke your problems away, but there are some cases where you need to smoke a bowl and get a bowl of frozen grapes and...
I’ve successfully avoided changing any poopy diapers coming from the nephew since he was born 7 months ago.
Today was not so lucky.
You know, no matter how good you’re feeling about your life, there will always be some sort of metaphorical moment where you metaphorically clean metaphorical shit off of a metaphorical scrotum. Except those times you are literally cleaning literal shit...
The more arrogant Kanye West gets, the more I like...
I want to meet him. And learn from him. Study his arrogance while by his side and then apply it to my life.
I got called into the pet store tonight and was left with instructions to make signs for the store. The one I put at the entrance was “Buy a puppy or your children will never love you again.” The one I put near the cash register was “Buy a puppy to surprise your kids and prove you are a better parent than your cheating ex.”
I spent most of the night hoping the owner would...
Summer in the city means cleavage, cleavage,...
Galway Girl →
Basically I have just spent my whole MLK-Day watching this scene from PS, I Love You over and over. And now I’m watching it again, only I’m drinking ChocolateMilkAndIrishCream alone in my bedroom and that’s my life right now and we’re all just going to have to accept that fact.
There’s something about a Man, capital M, playing a guitar that seems eerily like a...
I have a bad habit of calling any time a radio...
Person: Hello?
Me: Did... I... Win?
Person: You won in my eyes.
Me: Okay.
Person: You won in the eyes of a guy who has a cell phone number similar to a radio station and gets calls all the time.
Me: Ah, ALL RIGHT!
Person: But maybe you should just try the right number.
Me: That would help in me winning.
Person: What were you trying to win?
Me: I think it was Grammy tickets. Or a Grammy CD. It was something... I hear them say their numbers and then I just dial; I like anything that's free.
Person: What's your name?
And then I hung up, even though I'm pretty sure that's how awesome marriages start and shit. I probably hung up on my soul mate, right guys?
I did a very irresponsible thing and it turned out to have amazing results. The moral of this story is “do whatever the fuck you want, because guess what, Caragh? You are always 100% right.”
Today I had to work 8 - 12 at the bank and then 2 - 10:30 at the pet store. In a mall. On a Saturday. I don’t… I don’t think you understand what that’s like, Tumblr. I...
Reasons to Watch PS I Love You, despite the fact...
Gerard Butler’s arms
Gerard Butler’s abs
Gerard Butler’s ass
Gerard Butler’s accent
Gerard Butler
Holy sobfest2000
I will never experience love like that, so I might as well watch Hilary Swank do it for me.
Gerard Butler’s arms
Gerard Butler’s arms
Gerard Butler’s arms
I really need to fucking watch this movie again.
UGH I HAVE MADE SO MANY BAD DECISIONS WITH MY LIFE. I REALLY HAVE. FROM WALRUS MAKE OUTS TO THAT TIME I WAS THREE AND PUT A SOCK IN THE TOASTER. BAD DECISIONS, ALL AROUND.
I just saw a picture of a Walrus’ face that looked like the one and only dude I made out with in the past year when I was really fucking drunk and I was about to post it and say “This looks exactly like the one and only dude I made out with in the past year when I was really fucking drunk” because that’s funny, right? Except the more I looked at it the more horribly fucking...
I have been cold this whole day.
The entire day I have been cold. I will never be warm again. This is my life. I’m just going to have to live it now.
There’s a part in some shitty Nicholas Spark novel (redundant?) where some old dude describes how being old is full of just being cold. The kind of cold that permeates your entire body. 100 blankets cannot keep Old Cold out. That terrifies me more, if it’s true....
“Dad, I can’t handle this right now, I’m bleeding from my vagina.”
– I just said this to my father because I can only deal with one issue at a time and this is going to take another few days.
And also because there’s just something so satisfying about finding out that there’s a word that can send him hiding in another room, and that is the word...
Have you ever gotten so drunk that you think it ruined not only a friendship, but a whole group of friendships?
I think I did that at the end of high school. Not that I was friends with dicks (though I was, probably), it was more like I was so embarrassed by my actions (literally have never told a soul) that I cut off all contact with about 5 people immediately after The Event.
Maybe this was a...
Becca just gave me The Matthew McConaughey Complaint Notebook. The Matthew McConaughey Complaint Notebook was an idea hatched between us the weekend after I saw the fuckfesteringsore known as Sahara in 2005, our junior year of high school.
The Matthew McConaughey Complaint Notebook was a place for your complaints. There were no rules about what you could complain about, you were only asked to a)...
