December 2009
10,000 Albinos In Hiding After Killings In East... →
drinkyourjuice:
prettyproblematic:
NAIROBI, Kenya — The mistaken belief that albino body parts have magical powers has driven thousands of Africa’s albinos into hiding, fearful of losing their lives and limbs to unscrupulous dealers who can make up to $75,000 selling a complete dismembered set.
The noise I involuntarily made as I read this was like: eeeeeheheheeee....
“FUCKING Moss. FUCKING PUSSY. Watch this. He’s afraid, HE’S AFRAID,...”
– My Dad is watching football with the dog. And only the dog. I can’t see her, but I know what is going on; she is terrified. My father, who looks like a larger Tony Soprano (Well, random strangers think so, and tell him often) can be loud, angry and scary. My poor dog. My poor, poor dog.
Oh...
“The most important lesson in life: You cannot count on anyone except yourself....”
– American Beauty (quote via pickedpockets)
If you don’t know this, then you’re a moron.
If you don’t realize how amazing this is, then you’re the most classic of morons.
I will never claim to have it all figured out. I’m confused and I spend most of my time second...
November 2009
I wish, instead of selling the Mormonism, bevested (that’s a word), fresh-faced, young Mormon men would knock on your door, look you in the eye and earnestly tell you, “You’re doing a really good job. Keep it up.” Instead of handing you pamphlets that contain scriptures, they hand you gold star stickers. I just wish we had that sort of encouragement.
And then, of course,...
1 tag
I NEED. TO. MOVE OUT.
Mom: Caragh, did you put these sheets in the washer?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: What were you using these sheets for?
Me: What was I using the SHEETS for?
Mom: Yah.
Me: What was I using the BED SHEETS for?
Mom: Yah.
Me: Mom, what the fuck do you think I was using BED SHEETS for?
Mom: Well, I don't know.
Me: Well, it's a secret. And now you'll never know.
Well, bear with me here, but I’m thinking a really good thing someone should make is a website where people can submit their own lyrics to go with the L&O:SVU theme music.
There’s a rape of course
There’s a rape in New York
There’s a rape going onnnn nowww
Oh myyyy Goooddd, where is Elliot?
Is he out getting mental psychiatry help?
I gotta sayyyy:
Probablllyyy...
Dan: What are you up to?
Me: Nothing. Watching a... tv show.
Dan: SVU?
Me, dejected: Yes.
Dan: I'm surprised you even call it a tv show.
Me: It's honestly just the longest movie I've ever seen.
For the first time since this semester started I...
Imagine my surprise when I got home, went to put my beer in the fridge, and found that I had consumed 5 of them. Wah-ha-ha-hoooooops.
I’m thankful for being able to laugh and be happy. If you’ve brought this into my life, then I’m thankful for you, too.
Gonna write a book called Drunk and Better Than Everyone.
AWKWARD MEMORIES.
Remember when I worked at the pet store for 3 depressing years? One day I was playing with a dog toy, talking to some guy, and I accidentally dropped the toy. So, naturally, I tried to catch it before it hit the ground. Unfortunately when I went to grab it with one hand I actually missed, and pushed it further outward. My hand went with it, trying to grasp. Eventually, the toy stopped its...
I wrote you a song. It’s not very good, but...
2 tags
Oh. Oh. Right. Forgot about this.
When you meet someone for the first time don’t
Burst out in laughter when they open up the car door right into their balls, doubling over in pain.
Tell them you can’t listen to Cat Power under these conditions because you’ll “feel it too much” and need to sober up first.
Liveblogging me trying to increase my credit card...
Phone flirting with this Jewy sounding nerd guy to raise my credit card limit doesn’t seem to be working.
What is happening to my America?
Edit: He’s putting me on hold! His system froze! I’ll freeze your system, buddy! Get outta here!
Edit: He transferred me! I got an African on the line! Maybe an Indian. I don’t understand accents.
Edit: I’m preapproved for...
I won $100 off a scratch ticket and was so happy. $100 means so much to me. I then scratched another ticket and won $278,000. Shaking, I checked the back to make sure it was real — of course it was real! I bought it! Cumberland Farms would not give me a fake scratch ticket! I brushed the ashy shavings off the front of the card and put it on my night stand until morning, when I heard everyone...
Tuesday the sunset was a rainbow. From the horizon up redorangeyellowgreenblueindigoviolet. I pulled over on a long and winding road with the woods to my left and clean fields to my right. Turned off the radio until all I saw was the sunset, all I heard was my blinker tickticktick, and all I felt was the tension in my right foot from pressing down the brake pedal. I realized the near silence and...
A blog about my anxiety about blogging.
I’m currently watching a True Life about people who either live their life through only the Internet or who live dual lives, acting completely different in their real lives than the persona they put online.
I’ve been really conscious about how often I’ve used Tumblr lately. And by lately, I mean since I’ve had this fucking thing like 2ish years ago. In general, aside from...
I know I said “these are the morons I live with” and I only talked about my moron-sister, so maybe I should add that today my mother yelled at me because I wouldn’t clean the inside of the oven. While it was on. At 350 degrees.
Granted, I had spilt pumpkin bread batter in it. So I turned the oven off to let it cool so I could clean. “You can’t turn the oven off and...
My 18 year old sister, who had a child at 16 because she didn’t know how to use birth control, who dropped out of high school because she didn’t know how to manage her time, who almost died while totalling her car in a drunk driving accident two weeks ago (“they shouldn’t have gotten out of that car alive.” - some cop), stole my fucking car and thinks I was...
I wish I was more sick so I could go to the doctor so they could test me for h1n1. I don’t think relying on the opinion of a nursing student is like, a proper diagnosis. I DID feel like dying for 36 hours, but now I just feel like self-mutilating. My cough is disgusting, my nose is running the Boston Marathon, but my headaches are gone, my fever is gone, and I’ve had no vomiting or...
I was at a fucking meeting for nearly 3 hours today on three various topics. None of which I remember now. I remember I learned that the USA Patriot Act is an acronym. All of those letters stand for something! Except for “Act”. USA doesn’t even stand for United States of America. I KNOW, RIGHT? I really feel as if this is one of those things where they thought of the name first...
“Chlamydia is on the rise for young women. So… You know…”
– my 67 year old co-worker.
At least she thinks I’m getting laid. By that I mean, I guess that would be the plus to her saying that from the kitchen. While I was behind the teller line. 70 feet away.
When you're running a fever and ache all over
It’s really fun looking up h1n1 death tolls.
Now I don’t know if my new stomach cramps are a result of whatever-sickness-I-have or the anxiety over dying.
I could blog about this two different ways.
I’m extremely thankful for this fever, runny nose and constant sneezing because it means I was not so severely depressed these past 24 hours that I couldn’t get out of bed and I wanted to die. I was just sick and couldn’t get out of bed and wanted to die. Hooray for somatic symptoms, not psychological problems.
Or…
Bad news,...
“I am not leaving Aerosmith. Joe Perry, you are a man of many colors, but I,...”
– Damn Right, Steve-Ty. You’re goddamn right.
We can breathe again, Society. All is aligned and righteous.
...Did I really do that last night?
etrangere:
How much were you expecting this post to describe some drunken debauchery? And how much were you expecting that I actually spent last night spending more than four hours working on a jigsaw puzzle with friends?
I don’t know whether to be ashamed of this new passion or whether to be thrilled to have discovered something that can easily make multiple hours fly by.
When we were 16 or...
“Hey (cousin)! How’s it been? Glad you added me on Facebook. Remember how we use to get into physical fights at every family gathering? Remember that one fight where I whipped my mother’s keys at you and they weighed roughly 30 pounds and came with lots of sharp edges because she had an unusual amount of keys and assorted key chains on them? And then you trapped me in the car and...
Things We Won't Discuss Aloud:
An “essential function” requirement for the Occupational Therapy Assistant program I’m looking into is emotional stability.
And I thought my chemistry grade would be the one thing holding me back…
When feeling badly about myself, I try to keep in mind that even Zooey Deschenal has at least once in her life accidentally thrown up in her mouth just a little bit when she burped.
Humans: Equally Disgusting (even Zooey Deschenal).
1 tag
Just doing my good service to humans:
If you google “Christopher Meloni” with the safe search off, you will find 4 cock shots. On the first page.
I can’t wait until this semester is over. I’m going to spend the entire break watching Oz. I would start it now, but I know once I get a taste of Christopher Meloni acting naked, I will do one of those things where I watch it on my laptop while I lay in my bed for 5...
Probably just going crazy. That’s probably what’s happening. Or growing up. GROWING UP? Right? 21, there’s still time for that. This isn’t the most mature I’m going to get, right? I’m going to totally fucking grow, right? Like, my personal growth has definitely not even started, right? Right?
Am I willing to sacrifice the entirety of my 20s just for my Masters?...