February 2009
And another.
Booze:
In 2006 I got the most drunk I’ve ever gotten in my life and proceeded to do something and refuse to tell a soul what that thing was. This is partly out of shame and partly because I can’t remember the beginning. Or the end. Just like… Vietnam War-esque flashbacks of the middle. It’s not that bad, really. I didn’t pee on someone’s couch. Nor did I...
I think if I visited Sir Government and presented a T-Chart of Decisions I’ve Made After 6 Bud Lights vs Decisions I’ve Made After 4 Small Bong Hits, not only with Sir immediately legalize marijuana, he would also, for a brief moment, contemplate a second prohibition against alcohol.
For example:
In mid-2008 I got drunk and made out with someone who had the face of a walrus.
Last...
Watchummkelsie:
sooooo like i cut oiut alot of this. don’t worry. it doesnt make sense.
THIS CHICK IS THE PERSONIFICATION OF FUNNY.
Me: I remember you and Mom let me pick out a movie to see in the theaters and I picked Patch Adams. You were upset I didn't pick a cartoon.
Dad: And then you asked me what masturbation was.
Me: WHAT.
Dad: Yeah, in the movie he makes a joke about masturbation and you turned to mom and said "Mom, what's 'masturbate'?" and she said, "shhh." Then you turned to me and asked "Dad, what's 'masturbate?" and I said, "shhhh."
Me: WHAT.
Dad: You don't remember that?
Me: WHAT. How old was I?!
Dad: 11 or 12.
Me: WHAT?
Listen
Listen
“I gave myself to him, and in return for that he gave me back to myself. He gave...”
– In this tumblr post we will play “Anais Nin on Henry Miller, or murderer Sadie Mae Glutz on Charles Manson?”
It’s Sadie Mae. And I’m a little freaked out that, when I read this in Helter Skelter, it caught my breath just a little bit. I probably would’ve joined the...
My aunt left rehab last week for what is, without exaggeration, at least the 20th time in her life. If the number is closer to 40 I would not be surprised in the least. She is shooting up once again. Got another black eye from her dealer/boyfriend/pimp-when-their-money-runs-low. But he gave her a dozen roses, so it’s all good.
My uncle just got out of the hospital from being under suicide...
“Eroticism is one of the basic means of self-knowledge, as indispensable as...”
– Anais Nin just knew what she was talking about.
“She is bizarre, fantastic, nervous, like someone in a high fever. Her beauty drowned me. As I sat before her, I felt I would do anything she asked of me. Henry suddenly faded. She was color and brilliance and strangeness. By the end of the evening I had extricated myself from her power. She killed my admiration by her talk. Her talk. The enormous ego, false, weak, posturing. She lacks the...
Listen
Listen
Listen
Every night I lay there and wonder if choosing the...
Wait, why did I write that? No one fucking cares what I think about Jimmy Fallon? SOMETIMES I FORGET PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT I’M ALL ABOUT, OK? I’M WORKING ON THIS.
Tru Fax:
I fully believe Jimmy Fallon will do anywhere from good to awesome on Late Nite with Jimmy Fallon. I feel like most people who have a problem with him (except for those who just think he’s flat out not funny, which is your perogative. You and Bobby Brown’s) had a problem with how often he broke character and laughed on SNL.
That’s not going to be a problem on a talk show format....
Listen, ok. I’m selfish. I’m jokingly self-obsessed to the point where I think I might actually have become self-obsessed. I can’t help it. My self esteem is much lower than anyone you’ve ever known, and the only way my brain can counter act this is to balance it out with a huge ego. I simultaneously wonder if I’m mentally retarded while at the same time think...
Seriously, Life? You’re gonna do this to me? Throw some more dirt on a sister like this?
Another one of my high school friends had a fucking baby. Stop it. Stop it all of you. Just like… Listen, I fucking hate it when someone gets to experience stuff I don’t. I want all of the experiences for myself. I want them first.
EVERYONE PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL I DO EVERYTHING.
...
It's a bitch, girl
But it’s gone too far, ‘cause you know it don’t matter anyway
I hope I will never find these three things in the...
Booze
Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again”
Microphone
Listen
"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane...
I don’t want to be friends with someone who can’t identify with one or more character from Reality Bites.
For me, it is mostly Janeane Garofolo’s character with a touch of Ethan Hawke. Which is as unfortunate as it is expected.
I had a dream that Tim and Eric were a couple, and Tim was dressed in drag, except in the dream he wasn’t in drag, he was a woman. They hated me and shot me dirty looks all night long.
Then I woke up and taught myself how to knit (watched youtube videos on how to knit). It went slightly better than the first time I tried to learn how to knit, which was just me buying yarn and then coming...