April 2009
Why the fuck are there no good comedy shows...
Why? What is wrong with Boston? This is why I could never actually live in the city. It’s a fucking college city AND PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SHUTS DOWN BEFORE ONE IN THE MORNING. FUCK.
It’s a college city and THERE IS NO PLACE FOR ME TO GET HIGH AND LAUGH AT COMEDIANS ON 4/20.
It’s a college city and SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE RAPED, oh, no, that’s about right, isn’t it.
...
March 2009
Had a dream I was famous for singing, which is hysterical in itself, and my career was waning. I was too boring for the tabloids. I was at some sort of party/function thing where I ran into Dave Coulier, who tried to get me to marry him just because it would create a lot of publicity.
Then Dave Coulier turned into Martin Short and the marriage turned into a videotape in which I gave him a blow...
WatchDon’t watch this if you’re PMSing. Don’t watch this if you’re feeling vulnerable.
The crying… the eyes… the whimpering… Oh god, I’m broken. I am broken. I want to scoop him up and tell him everything is all right. Everything is all right.
I wonder if the same people who buy Yorkies and Chihuahuas because they look like puppies forever wish for a mentally challanged baby with dwarfism?
text message, March 26 2:15 AM, Matt Z: "wtf!...
This means two things:
People have started to text me, possibly when shitfaced, whenever they find out facts about Steven Tyler.
I let a 60 year old man hug me. And then put my hair in pig tails. I think this is the closest thing to childhood molestation I’ve ever encountered.
WHY IS MY VOICE NOT NATIONALLY AVAILABLE FOR ALL TO USE?
People would PAY for this voice to tell them to “ROOOAR, BEAR LEFT.”
My new GPS will let me record my own voice. So I can listen to me give myself directions. My voice will fill the car. It’s a dream I didn’t even know I had.
If you’re thinking I’m not putting swears into a lot of these, you are not aware of my personality in the least.
“You’ve arrived at your motherfucking destination.”
“Turn riiiiiggghtt now on...
You guys don't understand how often I fantasize...
When I mentioned it to my grandmother last year her eyes opened up wide and she mentioned she had always wanted the same thing.
This fantasy literally runs in my blood.
“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants,...”
– Anais Nin is all about fucking validating the thoughts and emotions in me that I am embarrassed about. Essentially what she’s saying here is “Caragh, it’s pretty ok for you to dream about falling in love with a rich dude who will provide you with many rooms, one of which holds a...
All 39 episodes of Rescue Me is on Hulu. This is great. With an episode run time of approximately 45 minutes, this gives me 29 hours and 25 minutes worth of footage to determine why, despite not being attracted to Denis Leary in the least, I would let Tommy Gavin degrade me in some pretty awful ways. Because that’s a mystery to me, you guys.
mastur-(uhhhh uhhhh)-bate for a nigga
Play by...
What this (modern) lady did in her 10 minute drive...
Brushed soaking wet hair
Put in bun
Put in (plaid) headband (while wearing a houndstooth cardigan)
Applied mascara
Applied powder
Applied lipgloss
…And yeah, yep, did the deodorant thing. I did that. Again.
I know how I’m dying. It will be via a mascara wand through the eye, penetrating my brain. There’s no way around it. I actually no longer remember how to put on mascara...
Maybe in my quest to become more of a (modern)...
You’d think the two would go hand in hand, but I don’t think they do.
“Imagine for a moment that you’re a self-absorbed, selfish asshole. That all of...”
– NonyNony (via fuddmain)
To the best of my memory.
“Wait, do I look high? Can you tell I’m high?”
“Yes.”
“Why would you say that?!”
“Because your eyes are at half mast and they’re red and you look like you’re getting ready to fall asleep.”
“Oh. Right. Right.”
I’ve pretty much decided that I have to give up on being a lady. Or like… reassess my view on what a lady is. Basically the constant failure in this department is really hilarious to me right now because I am sort of half joking when I talk about this being my resolution, but it will probably end up making me really sad in the long run.
It’s just… when you spend a night...
“I’m alone because I’m now used to getting up when I want and drinking from the...”
– Lea Lane: Why I’m Alone (via bullshit) (via bunkercomplex)
What the fuck. I pretty much relate to this more than I’ve ever related to anything in my life. I go and check the source to read the rest of the article and realize it’s… written by a middle-aged widow. Great. Fuck. What...
Yesterday I talked to a policeman with the Special Investigation Unit (Is that a thing? It was something like that) from Boston about the attempted break in at the bank I work at the night before. My remarks on that are:
YES! I am one step closer to getting robbed at gunpoint!
The entire time I talked to the police dude I had a bag of weed stems in my purse. Whoops.
And now back to work. Lunch...
I got my eyebrows threaded today. No one has noticed. What is the point of all of that pain if no one will notice?
By the way, “it hurts less than waxing” said the crazy Indian lady. Or like, Indian-esque. Don’t look at me like I’m racist. Less than black, more than white. In terms of skin color, I mean.
She says that, but I don’t think she means that. Because...
Listen
Listen
“That’s what you can write about in your tumblr, ‘There’s a...”
Had a dream my nephew died of SIDS. It was a pretty horrible dream full of me screaming and screaming and screaming and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing and some other things that are more disturbing but I’d rather not write down.
I woke up it was so awful and was glad to hear that little Mexican crying upstairs.
Anyway, I’m only writing about it because the moment after I woke up I pretty...
“Without abject suffering I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”
– Munch, L&O:SVU. I identify pretty hard with Munch.
Calm down! Everyone just calm down! I didn’t see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I did, however, almost die. Let your friends cross that very, very busy street, I THOUGHT. It’s ok if they die, but you’re ready to do some important things with your life, I SAID. Walk back to the car and drive in your giant chunk of metal that cradles me in its seat belt, I DECIDED. AND THEN I ALMOST DIED.
...
I’ve written a lot of embarrassing things on this tumblr. I really have. Earlier today sent in an audio post about how I put on deodorant in a Wal - Mart parking lot. That’s nothing compared to this:
I’m about to physically hand over $10 to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. DON’T WORRY, I’M SMOKING A SHIT TON OF WEED BEFORE HAND. OK? OK? HELLO, SATURDAY NIGHT. WE’RE...
Listen
When normal customers cash a check and I ask “How would you like that?” I always hope they respond with “large bills, please.” Because I’m lazy.
When Hot Customer cashes a check and I ask “How would you like that?” I always hope he answers with “missionary.” Because I’m lazy.
HAHA, JUST KIDDING, HOT CUSTOMER ALWAYS DEPOSITS HIS CHECKS...
“If you do not have the right to put anything you want into your body, you are...”
– - Penn, who has never smoked pot yet still came up with the name Moxie Crimefighter for his daughter, discussing the legalization of marijuana.
Tru Fax. I think all drugs should be legal. Shooting up heroin or smoking meth from a broken light bulb should be a moral decision, not a legal one. All...
