April 2009
On the way home I saw a squirrel and I wondered why, exactly, our lives are so much more meaningful than any other mammal. Then I realized it’s probably not. Because I’m there, and I’m sitting in traffic, just getting out of a ten hour work day so I can get a meager paycheck to support my education which will lead to a job with a slightly less meager paycheck and then I’ll...
My dog is really sick and that’s really sad. She’s lost a lot of weight recently, her ribs and backbone are showing. She’s 9, just about the life expectancy of a boxer, so it’s… tough. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.
I bought her some all natural canned food, thinking maybe her teeth are hurting her. She’s old and I don’t know if...
God, you guys, I’m so fucking self-sufficient. Remember how at my last opthamologist appointment, he told me my astigmatism had disappeared in one of my eyes? YOU GUYS? THAT MEANS MY LEFT EYE CURE ITSELF. Too bad Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes couldn’t do the same :(
Anyway, today I was really bored at work and also kind of miserable because I am sort of a miserable person anyway....
Ugh.
The moment Patrick Swayze lost a single pound he should’ve immediately started filming a movie about a dude who gets cancer. It would have to be filmed chronologically, but if Ed Wood showed us anything he showed us that that is an excellent idea for a successful film.
That’s the only thing I think of when I see current Swayze. “That guy looks like he could play a guy who has...
“Every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need.”
– Kenny Powers, getting profound as shit.
NephewWatch2k9: Babysat from 7 AM until 2 PM on my...
He’s pretty cute, you know? My little, Mexican nephew. I can deal pretty well with crying babies. I’m pretty much a pro at it, which is very… opposite of how I usually deal with stressful situations.
What I can’t deal with? Cleaning human shit off of a human scrotum.
I think the one thing we should teach our male infants is how to shit without getting it all over their...
Yesterday I ran out of gas and blocked an entire parking lot entrance! That was fun!
Later, I got stoned (4/20. Also because it was a Monday), watched Planet Terror for the first time, got stoned again, tried to watch The Comedians of Comedy, but my friend couldn’t find his DVD so we opted to watch A Clockwork Orange which neither of us had ever seen before.
YOU GUYS?
DON’T GET...
You gotta remember this jam.
Or, you know, less...
And I’m not this super fucking sensitive lady IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED.
It’s just when some fucking mustachioed construction worker is trying to cash a check and, upon hearing me have the AUDACITY to ask for an ID, says to me “You should know me by now. I’ve been here in a million times, sweetie.” followed by a huge sigh as if I am causing him great pain to...
If Customers were a race, I would be an openly...
Can we send a memo out to all of the mens in the world to let them know that there are few things more verbally degrading than calling a woman “sweetie” (or “hun,” “sweetheart,” etc.) while talking down to her in a disparaging tone?
I would rather be called a cunt. Because I am, at times, a cunt. And I’ve worked my way up to be a cunt, because before I...
Want to hear about the first time I threatened to kill myself? It was a warm spring day and I wanted to go to the playground. Because I was 4. After begging and pleading and sobbing only to be met with another “not today”, I sneered at my mother “I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF,” ran into her bedroom, turned on her oscillating fan, rolled up my jeans so they were at my...
One of the best ways to get ready in the morning is:
Throw clothes you plan on wearing into the dryer.
Take your shower.
Get clothes out of dryer, put on immediately. IMMEDIATELY. IN YOUR LAUNDRY ROOM.
Put on your bra and feel what it feels like when God gently cups your breasts.
PS, IT WAS CLAM CHOWDER. FUCKKKKK.
I have one of those Campbell’s soup cups that you can drink/eat without a spoon (because Campbell’s understands my need to find more foods that don’t result in me washing silverware) and the label is ripped off. What is in here? Is it Chicken Noodle? Clam Chowder? Those are really the only options since it’s the only kind I buy. However, I’m very much in the mood for...
Why the fuck do I have a fucking tumblr? A fucking blog? This is narcissistic? It is. Oh my god. AND THEN TO WRITE IT’S NARCISSTIC? IN MY FUCKING BLOG?
NEVER ENDING.
In which my pride gets the best of me.
Dad: And then that time Caragh had all those syringes in her pocket from giving shots at the pet store...
Me: Did you get worried? Did you ever think I was on drugs?
Dad: No, but your mother did.
Me: Hahaha. Good.
Sister: Mom thought Caragh was on heroin?
Dad: She didn't REALLY think that, it just made her nervous. Caragh would never be able to stick her arm with a needle.
Me: What?! Screw you! Yes I could!
Dad: Never.
Me: What?! Why would you say that?! I could too! You never have any confidence in me.
Dad: Prove it.
“No one told me my tits would drop. No one. When I bend over I look like a table....”
– Joan Rivers. (via planettampon)
Wait, wait, wait.
My vagina. Is going. To drop?
My vagina is going to drop?
My vagina is going to drop.
I can’t comprehend this. There is literally a mental blockage occuring to keep me from visualizing such things. I can’t even picture what would...
Did you know?
If you PMS’ed pretty hard the Saturday before Easter when you were 16 or so, and you ended up throwing a hard-boiled egg at your sister’s head your family will never let you forget it?
In related news, here’s a list of food-stuffs I’ve thrown in anger at various people. As in this is not a list including various food-stuffs I’ve thrown at walls and...
If I can’t find the cork to this bottle of wine that means I have to finish the whole thing over the course of my Easter Sunday, right? That’s how that works?
Annnnd the six year old has it all figured out. It...
Mom: It's not funny.
Liam: Then why am I laughing?
53 minute phone sesh with my aunt at 2:55 in the morning is pretty much what I needed right now.
I’m visiting San Diego this summer. From her porch you can see the fireworks from Sea World.
If I like it as much as I think I’m going to, I’m going to ask if her offer of living with her still stands.
I could do with nightly fireworks.
I could do with a whole new scenery.
Mom, holding my newborn sister: Caragh, I’m going to take a shower. Come get me if your sister starts crying.
3 year old Caragh: I’m going to poke her eye out with a pen.
And that, ladies and not-ladies, is why my mother rarely showered in 1991.
I just really like the universe 3 year old Caragh lived in. Clearly it was full of hate, too-dark humor, jealousy, resentment, feeling...
YOU GUYS!
CARA. It’s just Cara. Then my Moms decided to get all Irish-Gaelic about the situation and added that -gh on there. Sometimes i like it, sometimes I think it looks like a pirate name.
Jon & Caragh Plus 8.
Just created a profile for sittercity.com
Can’t believe they don’t have a search function for ethnicity.
I just want to take care of some azn babies and maybe sometimes put glasses on one of them and call that one Aiden.
No, but really, I just found a few parents who are looking for baby sitters for twins. TWINS. Oh god, please have double-strollers, parents. I can’t even...