Wait, what.

On the way home I saw a squirrel and I wondered why, exactly, our lives are so much more meaningful than any other mammal. Then I realized it’s probably not. Because I’m there, and I’m sitting in traffic, just getting out of a ten hour work day so I can get a meager paycheck to support my education which will lead to a job with a slightly less meager paycheck and then I’ll still die. Where’s the meaning? I guess maybe love. But I have a feeling that love is just a whole lot of hormones with a little bit of neediness.

I have this theory that there are people you like to laugh with and people you like to have sex with and if you find someone who fulfills both of those things, well, that’s the closest thing to love you’ll find. Coming from a young woman who has never been in love, my argument would not hold any water and so I’ve never told anyone that. I couldn’t really imagine truly wanting to marry someone I like laughing with because chances are you will grow to silently resent each other and the anchors you’ve shoved on each others’ fingers.  And every memory of every laugh you’ve ever shared with that person will be swiss-cheesed with the realization that they fucking suck (after they’ve fucked & sucked).

I would do a lot better if I was alive 1000 years ago, I think.

Those goddamn, fucking squirrels…

My dog is really sick and that’s really sad. She’s lost a lot of weight recently, her ribs and backbone are showing. She’s 9, just about the life expectancy of a boxer, so it’s… tough. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.

I bought her some all natural canned food, thinking maybe her teeth are hurting her. She’s old and I don’t know if she’s ever gotten a legitimate tooth cleaning from the vet. I though it could be tarter build up, a rotting tooth… something. But she’s been eating the canned food mixed with a bit of dry for almost three days and she hasn’t gained back a pound. I think she might’ve even lost some more weight.

I’m really, really hoping for canine diabetes at this point. She fits a lot of the symptoms and I believe it should be cheap(ish) to treat. I’m already trained to give shots and fluids, so it’ll be no problem giving insulin…

I’m calling the vet Monday. I guess I’ll find out next week.

It’s not fair. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose that stupid fucking dog. I really don’t.

God, you guys, I’m so fucking self-sufficient. Remember how at my last opthamologist appointment, he told me my astigmatism had disappeared in one of my eyes? YOU GUYS? THAT MEANS MY LEFT EYE CURE ITSELF. Too bad Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes couldn’t do the same :(

Anyway, today I was really bored at work and also kind of miserable because I am sort of a miserable person anyway. It’s not worth complaining about, because a) I’m not on meds anymore and b) I’m not seeing a therapist of any sort. So why complain if I ain’t putting in the effort and time into fixing myself? Exactly, Caragh. Exactly.

So I’m sitting there and I don’t really know what to do with my time. I start spinning in my chair, but that’s really fucking weird and my boss was looking at me after spin dos, so that stopped pretty quickly.

Then I took a sip of water and decided to try and drink it without swallowing. “WHATT????” - you.

It’s actually kind of hard. At first I tried by tipping my head back and letting the water slide down my throat, but that ended up with me making this weird noise because I did a sort of… backwards burp. I swallowed air and it sounded like an internal burp going down.

I eventually learned the best course of action with drinking without swallowing is to keep your head level and straight. Take small sip of water, keeping your tongue in a bowl-shape to hold a reservoir of sorts. Slowly allow the reservoir of water to drain itself to the back of your throat. Your brain will tell “QUICK, YOU GUYS. SWALLOW. SWALLOW OR ELSE YOU WILL DROWN.” but you want to ignore your brain (which I am good at) and fight through the drowning feeling.

The great thing is is that no one knows what the fuck you’re doing. I’m sure I had a slight concentrated look on my face, but that could have been from anything. Anyone looking wouldn’t have known I was trying to drink without swallowing, they would think I was doing complex math or kegels. Jokes on them, I’m not strengthening my vaginal wall, I’m drinking water.

Anyway, later, internet. I’m going to go kill myself.

The moment Patrick Swayze lost a single pound he should’ve immediately started filming a movie about a dude who gets cancer. It would have to be filmed chronologically, but if Ed Wood showed us anything he showed us that that is an excellent idea for a successful film.

That’s the only thing I think of when I see current Swayze. “That guy looks like he could play a guy who has had pancreatic cancer for a year and a half really, really well.” Fucking Oscar worthy and he ruined it.

Why am I not in charge of Patrick Swayze’s Life Decisions?

(The answer is “Probably because I would be filing for unemployment in 6 months.”)

He’s pretty cute, you know? My little, Mexican nephew. I can deal pretty well with crying babies. I’m pretty much a pro at it, which is very… opposite of how I usually deal with stressful situations.

What I can’t deal with? Cleaning human shit off of a human scrotum.

I think the one thing we should teach our male infants is how to shit without getting it all over their fucking ball sack. That’s dehumanizing for me and he acts like he doesn’t even care.

Sometimes he even smiles because when I say things like “I’m putting you back. You’re going back into your mother’s vagina for this,” he assumes I’m saying something kind and aunt-esque. I’m not. I’m telling him I’m shoving him head first into a vagina. She got ripped up coming out, I can only imagine how much it’ll hurt the both of them when he goes back in.

There has to be something I can do. There has to be a Ball Barricade (tm) I can start sewing into diapers, right?

Yesterday I ran out of gas and blocked an entire parking lot entrance! That was fun!

Later, I got stoned (4/20. Also because it was a Monday), watched Planet Terror for the first time, got stoned again, tried to watch The Comedians of Comedy, but my friend couldn’t find his DVD so we opted to watch A Clockwork Orange which neither of us had ever seen before.

YOU GUYS?

DON’T GET STONED AND WATCH A CLOCKWORK ORANGE? Or like, do, but realize that some major rape will happen.

Then I got to videochat with Becca. That was fun times because I miss her a lot and also this happened:

Me: DO you like Sarah Silverman?

Becca: … I guess?

Me: Oh. I was wondering. Because I just realized we never watched her show together.

Becca: OH. I thought you asked if I liked powerful women. I thought when I said ‘yes’ you were going to be like *punches webcam*.

I think T-Bex going to France made me realize how much I actually like her. Like, before I definitely felt so-so about the Becca-Situation, which was pretty awful for our 10ish year friendship. Just kidding. She’s maybe one of 5 people who I actually enjoy and I don’t even know how she still puts up with me.

Then I drove home in thunder and lightening and thought I was going to die and all I could think about was that I’ve never met Christopher Meloni, but even if I live to be a hundred I’ll probably never get to meet Christophe Meloni so… Why would living another day even matter?