May 2009
My brain decided to remind me that I’m on my period by making me remember that scene from The Blue Lagoon where the lady poisons her baby and then herself because she knows they can’t survive and then I cried for a solid 30 seconds of my life.
Haven’t seen The Blue Lagoon since I was 12.
It’s incredible that I still refer to myself as an emotionally stable young woman....
The best compliment I could give a man would be along the lines of “you’re so physically pleasing to my eye that if you came through my teller line at work to deposit a check I would look through all of your debit card purchases to see if there was anything interesting.”
When you think about it, that’s what I’m doing when I’m invading their privacy. I’m...
Learning via watching (others fail):
Relationships are bullshit and mean nothing and everyone will do horrible things to you anyway so you might as well just Bone and Be Boned and not worry about like… trusting someone. Then again, I know very little about anything.
The discussion favored by 20-somethings everywhere (“What is love?”) came up while my friends and I were high and eating an unmentionable number of...
Regina Spektor understands what it is to be a...
Currently and unrelated:
Craving an English Muffin
Worrying that I’m a crazy person
OH my god.
I have no idea what I’m good at. I have no natural talents.
What the fuck am I going to do for a living?!
I’M JUST GOING TO END UP BEING AN ELEMENTARY TEACHER AND I’LL NEVER GET TO WEAR JEANS AND OH MY GOD, I’M NOT SURE IF THAT’S THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE.
Last night I went to a partyish situation and for a moment I got all high and judgemental. But I still had a shit ton of fun and met some awesome people. It was like, 20 minutes of my night I was feeling judgey-ish: Here are things I got judgemental about:
There were a bunch of people wearing totally douche bag scarfs even though it’s pretty warmish out. I’ve like, never even seen so...
Listen
Some chick sang Fiona Apple as her karaoke song. Who does that?! “THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN HURT VERY RECENTLY,” I said. “WE SHOULD BUY HER ONE OF THE TWO DOLLAR BEERS.”
I wasn’t heard, or rather I was ignored, and so I stared into my margarita, compeltely self-loathing because tonight I got drunkish off of margaritas and not rum & coke or vodka tonics like a normal...
Oh my god.
So tonight I thought of a new dance and/or sex move for dudes. It’s called the organ-grinder and I don’t think I have to explain what that means or the fact that it will leave you girlfriendless.
PS, watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 on youtube - thinkin’ I’ll make a great mom someday. Watch this: AIDEN, YOU’RE THE BEST SON A PERSON COULD ASK FOR. Oh my godddd,...
And now, on the way to the karaoke bar with one of...
Chris E.: (laugh) Funny.
Me: I am.
C: I GUESS.
Me: Nooo, I'm not FUNNY. I think I'm... conversationally witty? At best.
C: No, I'm kidding. You are funny.
Me: I know. I was fishing for a compliment.
C: That's ok, I wasn't complimenting you, I was just trying to get you to stop talking about yourself.
Me: HAHHHHH. I wasn't really fishing for a compliment. I thought it'd be funny if I said that.
C: I guess that makes it funny.
Me: Like, existentially?
C: I'm getting off the phone now.
Me: I really don't think I'm really that funny. Please don't think I'm full of myself. ...Chris? Chris? Chris?
C: PLEASE stop talking about yourself.
Me: Will you drive so I can get drunk?
Prince - Kiss.
Because Prince is the only artist...
WatchFuck. Off. Clip from 500 Days of Summer.
Fuck off.
This movie is preying on ladies in their early 20s. And I’m falling for it. I’m falling for it so hard. Because every woman wants to fuck Joseph Gordon-Levitt and be Zooey Deschenel.
(Entire two paragraphs deleted because I need to stop talking about vagina in my blog. It’s becoming an issue.)
Anyway, yea, I want to see 500...
“I seriously had a feeling tonight would involve us and the cops, but I figured...”
– Probably the most teenagery, douchey thing I have ever said. Except I’m 21 and this was about 4 hours ago. And about 5 minutes after we talked to the cop.
I’m pretty exhausted, but I’m sure I’ll write about it later. Because I’m great at this blogging situation.
...
I was just drawing what that pinata would look like, but I realized I’m actually at a point in my life where I’m too sensitive to even picture such things as a paper maché child being hit with a stick until his belly, distended for starvation accuracy, releases several bags of Hershey kisses and Starbursts.
I’m pathetic.
I once had an idea about a pinata that was a starving Ethiopian child, but I can’t remember why.
Morgan Spurlock-esque
For the next 30 days I will put on a full face of make-up and straighten my hair whenever I go out for a social situation. Or when I go to work.
Maybe like… 15 days. Ok, for the next 15 days I will put on a full face of make-up and straighten my hair that falls past my tits. If my theory of ladies who straighten their hair daily = ladies who have their lives pieced together, then maybe I...
hotguysholdingcutepuppies.tumblr.com →
I mean, I’ve been talking about it for years. Literally, for years. Why not.
I can’t promise I will update it after this week is over. I also can’t promise I won’t become obsessed with it, updating every morning upon waking. No promises means no regrets.
Or something. God, that sounds like it could come from a Stand By Me-like movie, right? “No promises means no...
Geeze Louise.
I don’t know why I was so pissy-assed last night. I actually had a really fun time until I was alone with my own brain.
I mean, I think I was just pissed I left the party when my friend did. I coulda stayed! There were some really cool people there! I was just AFRAID that I would end up not talking to anyone. Like, I just didn’t want to be that weird person that only knows the host...
I did see a guy who looked like a super hot Aziz Ansari.
Yeah. Great. That was the high point of my night. Seeing a man who was lighter than Ethiopian but darker than Irish (Honestly, that is the extent to which I can figure out ethnicities by looks alone. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I mistake some Mexicans or Hispanics or whatever for halfsie-asians.) who was attractive and vaguely looked...
That last post was a lot more pathetic than it sounded to me as I was writing it. At least when I wrote it, it sounded funny. Ish. For me.
Here is something I came up with tonight:
The past tense of “ain’t” should be “wain’t” because it’s the funniest noise I’ve ever heard.
“There are only two types of women — goddesses and doormats.”
– Pablo Picasso (via quote-book)
First I was like “THAT’S NOT TRUE” then I was realized it’s ‘cause I’m a total doormat. WOE IS THE LADY THAT REALIZES THAT SHIT. OR SOMETHING.
I only stayed at that party for like 2.5 hours. It was an ok party, too! It’s just...
Where the fuck is my ride? I have nothing to do...
Yo, I just realized there’s an opening to the womb. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I guess I always knew there was. But whenever I pictured a baby in a womb (as I so often do [I’m not being sarcastic {I WILL DIE ALONE.}]) I always pictured a pinky-flesh colored sac with no openings.
But for some reason I just pictured that scenario again, only this was the first time it was...
At my work there is this one husband&wife teambo who are pretty nice and friendly and stuff. Anyway, just found out their 16 year old daughter is friends with my sister. And my sister informs me that this chick queefs on command. In public. She just… queefs. In classrooms. In stores. At sleepovers. And then she’ll laugh.
First of all, that fucking disgusts me. To the core. Bodily...
This might also make you think less of me, though:
After I locate all three alarms, I shut off my cell phone, shut off my computer and hit snooze on my alarm clock and put it on my nightstand.
Then I will hit snooze every 7 minutes until I absolutely have no time left.
I’m… not good at waking up early.
Wanna hear a secret that will make you think less...
I use to shut off my alarm sometime between falling asleep and waking up way too late. I don’t know when it happened. The point is, I have/had no control over it, which is why I set three alarms: My phone, my computer and my regular alarm clock. Which is pretty embarrassing in itself. Like, when your regular alarm is going BOOP BOOP BOOP and your computer is going HEY MR TAMBOURINE MAN PLAY...
Everyone needs to take a minute. Get up and dance....
The State - Barbershop Tourettes
