July 2009
“They make this awful gesture in front of their crotch like they’re massaging...”
– Becca on Nightfingers, the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
etrangere:
caragh:
Someone once slept with an English guy and right when he was about to finish he yelled out “The British are cumming!”
That’s definitely happened before and I think that guy is sort of an asshole for doing that. I just have an honest form of disgust for this person, who definitely exists. You know he does. You know that’s happened before. It was probably Russell Brand.
On...
When I was forced to spend my life horizontally for three days with sickness last week, I mostly drifted in and out of consciousness on the living room couch. When I opened my eyes at various intervals, I would almost always see Hannah Montana. Do you know how often my brother watches Disney? And do you know how often Disney airs Hannah Montana? The answers are to those questions are “so...
Someone once slept with an English guy and right when he was about to finish he yelled out “The British are cumming!”
That’s definitely happened before and I think that guy is sort of an asshole for doing that. I just have an honest form of disgust for this person, who definitely exists. You know he does. You know that’s happened before. It was probably Russell Brand.
1 tag
Things That Shouldn't Give Me Anxiety, But Do....
1. Becoming an orphan.
Every summer my family leaves for a family vacation in Maine and since the thought of being stuck in a 25 foot long cabin with people I see every day of my life sounds like an awful time, I have opted to stay home since the age of 18.
Yet every time they leave I immediately start to think what assholes they would be if they got into a fiery car crash and died, leaving me...
i will learn how to love a person and then i will teach you and then we will know
seen from a great enough distance i cannot be seen i feel this as an extremely distinct sensation of feeling like shit; the effect of small children is that they use declarative sentences and then look at your face with an expression that says, ‘you will never do enough for the people you love’; i can feel the...
Listen
1 tag
Things That Shouldn't Give Me Anxiety, But Do....
1. The purchasing of a new pen.
I never remember that buying a new writing utensil gives me anxiety until I’m there in the stationary aisle, in front of an entire wall of pens. The entire moment pans out the same way every time. I turn the corner to walk down the aisle and stop immediately at the sight of the first pen. And then my eyes adjust to all of the pens around that pen. And then I...
E*O+P = TEARZ 4 YEARZ
Take the numerical equivalent to how excited (E) you are that this is the first Saturday in three weeks you don’t have homework to catch up on, multiply that by the numerical equivalent to how much you actually want to go out (O) since you got sick last week and then add the number of people (P) you texted to see what they were up to AND THEN CRY INTO YOUR PILLOW BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKING...
“Perhaps an attic I shall seek.”
– When all else fails, I’ll always have Arrested Development.
“We fell into silence then; he did not ask me any more questions. I was still...”
– Miranda July, The Shared Patio.
Funny. I would never had claimed The Shared Patio to be my favorite short story in this collection, but as I was glancing through the book today at work I noticed it had the most underlined sentences, exclamation points written in the margins and various doodles that...
“Are you angry? Punch a pillow. Was it satisfying? Not hardly. These days people...”
– Miranda July, The Shared Patio
Mon Plaisir, by Miranda July from the book No One...
No, I have to do it today. It’s the first day of the rest of my life.
Oh. I had a day like that last week.
Really? What happened?
I woke up and thought, This is the first day of the rest of my life.
Then what happened?
I drove to work.
Oh.
Yeah.
By far the worst part about this month has been the fact that when I wake up, I put on pants to go to school. Then I come home and put on work pants for work. I have to put on pants two seperate times every day. I don’t even like doing it once.
Bloody nose. Bloody fucking nose. I got a bloody nose as soon as I hit enter on that last post. I could not make this up.
HIlarious. This whole thing. My whole fucking life is hilarious. It’s the best joke. Do you know what I get at the end of this? After going to all this school and doing all this work and suffering through double conjunctivitus WHILE I have a chest cold WHILE I’m...
The only thing to not go wrong this week is that when my car ran out of gas on the highway it was as I was pulling into the gas station and I was able to coast my way to the pump. I almost got hit by only two cars too, so that’s a plus.
Why was I on the highway with this fucking cold that feels like Jesus is fucking my thoracic cavity over and over and over and over? Oh, just to, you know,...
Me: There's earrings in the toilet?! I think they're yours.
Sister, without looking: Oh. They're not mine.
Me: ...How do you know?
Sister: They've been in the toilet for a few days now.
Me: No one has thought to take the earrings out of the toilet?
Sister: I dunno.
Me: 6 people use this toilet and not one flush has flushed the earrings?
Sister: I guess not.
Me: Are we all just going to never take the earrings out of the toilet?
Sister: Well, I'm not. Are you?
Me: No.
WatchWill Arnett reads from Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
And now you are all strangely turned on.
Also, big ups to my dog who either laid by my side or on top me during the entire 3 days I was stationed on the couch with the worst cold/health-fuck I’ve ever had in my 21 years on earth (literally slept 18 hours on Saturday with the aid of no drugs and 16 hours on Sunday with the aid of a single CVS-brand Benadryl) even though I tell her I hate her every day. That’s loyalty. Loyal...
Considering not accepting the friend request of the guy who, in the attempt to guess what I was drinking, sniffed my drink Thursday night where it was revealed to me he had giant black nose hairs peeking out of his nostrils. Not peeking out, stepping out. In full costume. With sequins and top hats. It was revolting. Not because they existed, I don’t care if you don’t want to pluck your...
My tumblr makes it seem like I cry a lot, but I really, really don’t. Anymore. Just when I’m PMSing. And apparently when I feel like I’m dying. Alone. Forever alone. On the couch.
everything hurts beyond belief. so sick. completely out of it. too nauseous to even take IB Profin, never mind NyQuil. Can barely consider putting water in my mouth. The very thought of having anything in my mouth makes me sick to my stomach. Am probably dehydrated considering how much I’m sweating while freezing.
Went to the doctors yesterday. Told me it was a head cold. If this is a head...
BAT IN THE HOSUE BAT IN THE HOUSE BAT IN THE HOUSE MY CATS ARE TRYING TO EAT A BAT THAT’S IN MY HOUSE WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME
5 Years Ago Today I... Still had the same taste in...
I think I’m going to start writing out snippets of my Livejournal entries from 2003 - 2006, dated exactly 3 - 6 years before whenever I post these entries. And then write a letter to my younger self. I think it’ll help me grow as a person. Not really, but I do like being really embarrassed when I read my Livejournal from high school.
July 15, 2004:
I can’t not laugh at Michael...
Now, usually I don’t do this, but, uh…...
I’m really liking having this fan instead of an air conditioner because every morning when I sit up in bed, my hair is blowing all around my face and I feel like I’m in a music video.
More to the point, I have the ability to kill someone else! I am just walking around, possessing the ability to murder someone, and people still trust me?! I STILL TRUST OTHER PEOPLE? THIS IS TOO MUCH.
I DEMAND ALL LIMBS SEVERED IN 2010.
Sometimes when I’m just sitting at work, doing nothing with my life except making 10.25/hr, I’m suddenly struck with the re-realization that, oh. Right. I’m totally responsible for keeping myself alive.
And I just can’t handle that. Why would someone give me this responsibility? Don’t they know I have other shit to worry about? And then my brain does whatever the...
“Oh, you mean love. You mean a big lightning bolt to the heart where you can’t...”
– - Don Draper, Mad Men
(via bestiesonice)
The saddest thing is that there will never be a man alive who is as man-like as Don Draper. Especially now. In a time where finding a husband who can do things like build a house or fix a car would sort of be impossible.
That’s part of the reason...
“Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite...”
– Was previously unaware that Albert Einstein was full of as much truth as he was science.
