January 2011
December 2010
Anonymous asked: Why haven't you seriously considered sending away your writing somewhere and trying to make some money? You're very funny. I think you sell yourself short.
When I first smoked pot, I wrote about it in a notebook to get my feelingz out. I didn’t have a journal at the time and so I just wrote and wrote and wrote in the notebook by the family computer desk. I felt intense guilt with a healthy side of earned rebellion, but mostly I felt Catholic, and I needed to hash it out (pun not intended, at least not consciously).
That night, my sister and...
“I’m unstoppable,” I said in return right before I reached over and turned up the radio just in time for Bob to lament that she breaks just like a little girl. None of this was lost on me.
thatwhitebxtch asked: yo girl, google image search "Mateus Verdelho." that's the dude in the pic.
SWEET JESUS.
SWEET JESUS.
thatwhitebxtch asked: yo girl, google image search "Mateus Verdelho." that's the dude in the pic.
SWEET JESUS.
SWEET JESUS.
I don’t know what’s sadder: that one of my weed guys thought that I would know it was him texting from a new number because no one else is prefacing their texts with “bb” and “babe” to me, or the fact that he’s right.
3 tags
I hate when I catch myself laughing with my friends at one of my own jokes, but I don’t think they should be the only ones reaping the rewards of my casual, slightly skewed observances and dry, off-the-cuff banter.
Emergency of the highest order:
I need a movie which meats meets the following requirements:
Available for immediate streaming on a website
Romance
Will make me cry throughout 70% of the duration of the film.
Nothing involving dying or dead children.
Preferably does not end happy, allowing for maximum crying time.
?
1 tag
1 tag
Hearing my mother talk about Inception is making my skin crawl. She is not someone who “does” movies that come at you with more complex story lines than Marley and Me.
“It’s one of those movies that start right in the middle. Maybe it explains things later. I didn’t know if his wife was dead or alive! Were his kids dead or alive? It was a loud movie.”
Anonymous asked: Why haven't you seriously considered sending away your writing somewhere and trying to make some money? You're very funny. I think you sell yourself short.
I think the gift I got my father this year was the second favorite gift he has ever received from me. Usually I give up and give him cigars even though I don’t like that he smokes cigars, and all of his favorite sweets are out of the question since he cut down on sugar after the doctor told him he was pre-diabetic (just kidding, he cut down on sugar after I asked him how his diabetes tasted...
Anonymous asked: I'm glad you got a vyou because I didn't think you were that cute before when I had just seen stationary pictures of you, but when you move, like in video, you are cute.
I'm an arse.
I'm an arse.
Mom: How do you like the boots I got you?
Me: They're wicked cute, but they're a size too big.
Mom: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: That's too bad. You sure they're too big?
Me: What? Yeah.
Mom: Let me feel your toe.
Me: Mom, I'm 23? MOM, I'M 23. I KNOW WHEN MY SHOES DON'T FIT.
Get blizzard. →
This blizzard has ruined my plans and now I’m sitting here looking at vodka and wearing blankets and getting sad that I bought my brother and sister a bathrobe, even though I’m the one who wanted a bathrobe, and no one got me a fucking bathrobe.
Ask a question!
2 tags
Love Actually →
Love Actually, streaming.
Put this on the background while you’re wrapping presents at two in the morning. I know I am.
1 tag
Stopped by an old friend’s house to see her new puppy (and buy drugz [these are a few of my fav-or-ite things]), and I had to politely decline her mother’s incredibly kind invitation to stay for Christmas Eve dinner by saying “Ummmmmmmmm, ummmmmmmmmm, ummm, no thanks.” because I couldn’t think of a polite, family friendly way of saying “I can’t because it...
Christms Shopping Timeline, started shopping at 4:
4:30 PM: A jacket for me.
5:05 PM: A bathrobe for a brother.
5:45 PM: A scarf for me.
6:00 PM: Victoria’s Secret hair shit for mother.
6:35 PM: A different scarf for me
6:40 PM: Return the first scarf for me as I found a different, more superior scarf for me.
6:42 PM: Convertible gloves for me that match the second, superior scarf for me.
6:55 PM: A purse for me.
7:05 PM: Hair...
1 tag
What I Said to a Stranger's Dog in the Stranger's...
You want me to pat your belly? Oh, I’ll do that. I’ll do that, no problem. No problem, little dude. All day, every day.
You mad cute, dog. You mad cute.
Yo, you got them concerned eyes? You got them concerned eyes.
To the stranger: Can I just interrupt conversation for a second to point out how cute your dog is sleeping right there? I can’t even tell where her eyes or mouth...
Sometimes I find myself in brief daydreams where I’m a cancer patient and I do tricks like pretend to be dead, but then I jump up and yell real loud and scare everyone instead. Everyone is like “that girl really had a sense of humor, right up ‘til the end.”
In real life I would just cry a lot and send letter after letter to Make A Wish Foundation, asking why they...
1 tag
And on that day, the Lord said “let there be no greater luxury than doing your nails in a towel while your hair is still wet and you have nowhere in the fucking world to be for the next several hours” and lo, there was no greater luxury.
Where's My Cell Phone? →
Honestly, ever since I discovered this site, I don’t even attempt to look for my cell phone. If I gaze around and I don’t immediately see it, I go to this website, type in my number and, oh, okay, it was in my lap the whole time.
Last night, in a retaliation prank, I turned all of my friend’s cigarettes upside down in his pack, hoping he would draw one and light it backwards. That is exactly what happened and I have never been more pleased with myself or my actions.
I hope to forever remember the sound of the lighter igniting, followed by the strange smell of a lit filter, and then the silence and gazing and...
Wendy Williams: You don't have any tattoos?
Kim Kardashian: Honey, would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley?
A Holiday Message from Ricky Gervais: Why I'm An... →
I used to believe in God. The Christian one that is.
I loved Jesus. He was my hero. More than pop stars. More than footballers. More than God. God was by definition omnipotent and perfect. Jesus was a man. He had to work at it. He had temptation but defeated sin. He had integrity and courage. But He was my hero because He was kind. And He was kind to everyone. He didn’t bow to peer pressure...
I’m just not me if I’m not waking up with fucking conjunctivitis twice a fucking year.
Here are a list of reasons why I probably get pink eye twice a year:
I always leave the lights on when I go to bed.
Sometimes I forget to feed the animals until I stumble into the house at 1 in the morning.
I keep forgetting to move the Elf on the Shelf.
My room is a mess.
I once lied to...
“I wondered who I could tell my horrible fucking train of thought to without...”
– Cara
I am a modern day fucking Mother Teresa over here.
(via sade)
This is all true.
“You’re a regular NORM McDonald.”
– Me to someone after they asked in a stoned panic if they were “like, really weird” and then I laughed at my own joke for about 45 seconds which is a long time to laugh about your own mouth noises when you think about it.
What did she say?: So last night was C$’s birthday... →
checosafai:
So last night was C$’s birthday celebration. She made us all go see a 12:25am showing of the Black Swan. I played DD because a.) I am a really great friend and b.) because I would rather smoke weed than drink anyways.
SO I rolled a joint for the ride to Patriot Place and then we packed a cone…
They make all of the good rap songs about Jess, that’s just how good she...
The best conversation I have ever overheard about...
Him: Oh, I know this story.
Her: You read her blog?
Him: No.
Her: Then how do you know this story?!
Him: ...I talk to her?
The first thing to wish me a Happy Birthday was an automated e-mail from an online bird forum that I signed up for and posted to once when I was raising a baby bird and was unsure of the temperature to make the baby bird formula and oh, oh my god, here it is, the start to my 23rd year of life.
I am an idiot.
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Do you ever wake up and the first thought in your head is “Well, at least I know she’s just a cum-filled fuck bucket,” and not only do you vehemently agree with your less-proper, more bleary eyed, Id-ridden self, but also find those words bring you a strange sort of comfort?
Weeks like this I wish I was in shape because I would start running towards Utah and never stop.
The most stoner text conversation I've ever been...
Friend: Stoner cook book.
Me: Get Baked.
Friend: I've got some awesome sandwich ideas.