I’m going to do this! I’m going to study for this test! But first maybe I should finish this episode of Lost. I mean, I need to. It’s not a priority, but it’s close to it. I stopped watching halfway through season 2, and I want to rewatch all the episodes before the season finale. I want to watch the season finale with all of America. And I’m only on Season 1 episode...
I feel pretty dweebish when I see my dog scratching her ear or side and then I help her out. I just feel like it’s the nice thing to do, though. Plus when I do it she looks at me like I’m God.
The desire to move out becomes stronger each day. I have a friend that makes me feel like crap every time I see her over still living at home. I don’t think she’s intentionally doing it, it’s more like I’m oversensitive. It just doesn’t make sense to me to move out before I’m done with college. If I can get my degree for $20,000 - $30,000 cheaper by going to...
Best Buds: a chick-flick stoner movie →
I hope this is great and all, but I’m really hoping this spawns more chick-flick-bic-flicks and then Charlyne Yi’s character from Knocked Up gets her own movie. She was by far the funniest part of that film.
I saw Shutter Island tonight.
Isn’t it funny? Even though Leonardo DiCaprio’s face looks more and more like a throw pillow each year, I still think he is very handsome and want him to be my future provider of alimony.
My deoderant was dried out so when I went to put it on, it crumbled into pieces and went all over my floor. I’m also writing directions to the main office on the back of a losing scratch ticket I bought 6 days ago and still have in my purse. Woman Who Has Her Life Together is a really hard character to play.
I’m working at the main office this morning and decided I am going in character as Woman Who Has Her Life Together. I’ll be showing this by wearing a necklace and straightening my hair. Ha! Little do they know! Little do they know! Maybe I’ll even smile at people and participate in conversation about their weekend plans with their kids. I don’t know! I don’t know....
Season 2, Episode 1.
In a perfect world, I would be in the midst of creating a stage version of each and every 16 & Pregnant episode. It would pull most of its finest quotes directly from the mouths of the babes who begot babes, because no writing can top their words. The written word would sound false compared to their truths. Janelle and Adam had the perfect relationship. He a slightly older model, she a...
Ew, you guys. So dumb! I need to grow up big time. Why do I do this? Why am I a fucking moron? Isn’t it going to fucking suck when I snap, and in a psychotic rage kill everyone around me and have no memory of the attack whatsoever? Isn’t that going to suck? THAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE, YOU GUYS. THEY REALLY DO GET SO ANGRY THAT THEY BLACK OUT AND MURDER. NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS DO THIS. And it...
I had a dream we were driving and driving and driving. We followed a car until they pulled off on to a dirt road. We slowed down and asked them how to get back on to the highway. They giggled and laughed and ignored us. We felt small and unworthy. We were pulling away and I heard a sharp crack, saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. I turned to you and asked what it was, but no words...
What does it mean when PMS lasts like… 10 days? Wait, I just checked. 5 days. It felt like 10. It feels like 10. I’ve taken 5 days of outburst of SADNESS or ANGER or LOVE-FOR-BABIES-AND-PUPPIES and sometimes, in the Venn Diagram that is Crying During PMS Week, all three at once. I’m a lot less of a mess than I appear on my blog, you guys. I want to make that clear. This blog is...
I want to physically harm people when I see that they drink from bottles by putting their entire mouth around the opening. Who raised you? It’s just so nonsensical.
Do you ever think your blog makes you a worse person? Sometimes I think that I am not nearly as anxiety-ridden as I feel I am. I’m not sure that makes sense. If I feel nervous all the time, If I feel anxious, and on edge, angry, stressed, then I must be those things. How can you not be something you feel? But maybe writing or joking about it in this dumb blog just makes the problems worse....
American cheese would be good on this. Too bad you didn’t put American...– I can’t even make a fucking turkey burger without facing criticism. Just completely and utterly ridiculous, nonsensical criticism. TURKEY BURGERS. SHUT THE FUCK UP. THEY’RE TURKEY BURGERS. IT’S FINE, MOM.
I can’t believe I’m going to die someday. What a dumb thing to happen.
Some Jewish day care center is hiring for a part-time substitute. There is at least one child there with a single father. Possibly a grieving father. His wife died in a freak bris accident. The rabbi tripped and accidentally removed her femoral artery? Don’t hustle me for the details, I’m just trying to sort out my dream of marrying a fictional dead woman’s rich husband.
etrangere: whydoihaveablog: I miss everyone. I wish I could have good times with good friends every day. Your sweater misses you. Come back up to Funtown. I might be saying “eff you” to homework (and see if someone else can babysit for me Sunday) and go to Kaileen’s Elton John Extravaganza Party this weekend. I don’t know. Will you be there? I’m asking you...
Like applying benzoyl peroxide to my face every night because I still have acne at the age of 22 isn’t fucking humiliating enough, the fucking tube, when squeezed, just shot right into my eye. Do you know how much my soul hurts for me right now? Text 909999 to donate $10 to my bank account for the Make Me Feel Better Fund.
I miss everyone. I wish I could have good times with good friends every day.
I love my family, but you gotta be nuts if you think I’m eating the bread that my one-handed uncle held in place with his nubby, handless wrist while cutting himself a slice. So nubby… It’s just the definition of a nub. Nubby hand. He’s like a walking advertisement for not going to work stoned and drunk when you’re working at a restaurant at age 16. Your hand will...
My battle with quitting milk has gotten so severe that I have visions of punching my own throat every time I have a glass of it. Which is like, every morning. …Abstinence from anything is not my strong suit. WEAK. I’M WEAK. I WANT IMMEDIATE PLEASURE NOW. GIVE ME TWO SECONDS OF TASTY MILK, NOT LONG-TERM HEALTH.
Considered vegetarianism as I ate McNuggets. Promised myself to never let any future children watch television until age 5, and then only an hour a day, while waiting for MTV’s Teen Mom to come back from commercial. Considered giving up recreational Internet use for 30 days to improve my attention span while writing this blog entry. I miss feeling intelligent.
Maybe I didn't have a nervous breakdown,...
Maybe it was PMS! Good ol’, reliable PMS! I realize this after I audbly growled when my phone rang twice within 5 minutes. Who wants to marry me? Who among you? We can do things like watch me cry after I yell at doors for not latching right. Before or after I eat chocolate and then want to cut myself? You decide. That’s the benefits of a marriage; equal rights.
I thought the bald, unattractive, middle-aged man who complimented me as I cashed his check the other day was the extremely rich lawyer from down the street, so I was most pleased and imagined a life where I married him and we bought lions together all the time. Then I checked his bank account, saw his balance was that of just a normal citizen, and felt immediately violated and wished all of the...
Liveblogging my nervous breakdown.
(My mother shakes my doorknob)
Mom: Are you painting?
Mom: Can I see? (she has not stopped jiggling my doorknob, as if she is under the impression that doing so is the new key. Like society had done away with keys, and now all we need to do is just shake the everliving fuck out of our locked doors to open them)
Me: Well.... It's just the second coat. It doesn't look any different.
Mom: Let me see. (shake shake shake)
Me: Well... I took off my pants because I didn't want to get my dress pants dirty.
Mom: (the shaking immediately ceases) ...You're not wearing PANTS?
Me: I just TOLD you I wasn't wearing pants! Mom! MOM! WHY DO YOU DO THAT? WHY DO YOU JUST REPEAT THINGS I SAY IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION? MOM, NOTHING CHANGES IF YOU SAY IT. IT'S STILL THE SAME AS WHEN I SAY IT.
Things I’ve said to my sister multiple times a week for the past 4 weeks: I am such a Khloe and she is a typical Kourtney. Dr. Drew told me that 25% of teen moms have a second pregnancy within two years. How even though several people have since compared her to Farrah from Teen Moms, I was the first.
I’ve been in a whimsicalesque mood lately. I’m not sure why, but I’m sure it some sort of chemical imbalance. Earlier today I asked Liam if he wanted to build a play house for Matty. “And me, too?” I told him that sounded like a great idea. Then, mucher later on, I started to think about building a playhouse and how awesome it would be, and how much fun we would have...
The 6 year old nerd.
Me: Liam, someday, buddy, we're going to move where a place where everyone is happy all the time and they only have fun.
Liam: Heaven? Or... Avatar?