March 2010
Why I Won’t Settle This Issue Outside of Our Insurance Companies as You Requested:
“My Mom is going to kill me.” “Oh. Is it her car?” “No, she pays for my insurance.” If you can’t afford monthly insurance payments as an adult, I don’t think you have the money to pay for the damage upfront.
You had an iPhone. And you still have your mother pay...
Listen
My inability to tell what race/ethnicity someone...
(An extremely handsome, model-esque customer with the most mysterious and HOTTEST foreign accents just walks out)
Co-Worker: He is so attractive.
Me: He is HANDSOME beyond belief. Where is that accent from? Where is he from?
Co-Worker: Maybe somewhere in Africa.
Me: Why Africa?
Co-Worker: ...
Me: ...He's black?
Co-Worker: ...
Me: Oh, wait, you recognize the accent?
Co-Worker: Noooo...
Me: So... he's... black?
Co-Worker: Are you kidding me.
Me: I thought he was like... half... something... maybe middle easte--I really don't know.
(I would be such a bad racist.)
The Assistant VP, who is a very nice lady, just sent me the rough draft for the little mini-spotlight 10 sentence write up.
Included was, of course, “she currently lives with her parents”. Welp. I do. Don’t I. Can’t really complain about a sentence if it’s true, right?
That’s just what I feel like the write up for my life is. “LIVES WITH PARENTS”...
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“What?”
– I hear myself say this once or twice a week as my alarm clock goes off. I have no control over it and I always feel like an idiot when I hear myself say it. ALARM, Caragh. You listen to it 6 days a week.
You know, feeling good was good enough for me.
Dave Flynning.
I dropped the ultimate Dave Flynn on my cousins last night. Dave Flynn, by the way, is a former Massachusetts State Representative that some of my family knows.
Dave Flynning started out simple. A pause in the conversation, “Did you hear who died?” Who? “Dave Flynn!” The first couple times Keaghan did it to us we believed it to be so. Very soon we caught on and it grew...
Emerson
Heartily know, When half-gods go, The gods arrive.
When someone is a dick to you, and then you feel badly about yourself, you need to remember that sometimes people are just dicks for no reason and it’s not your fault. Dicks are dicks by nature, it is innate. And even if it is because I’m uglyunpleasantdumbidioticjustplainWRONGaboutitall, there’s nothing I can do to change it.
Anti-- JESUS CHRIST.
I was a bit shocked when they showed full penetration in Antichrist.
I said “gahhh!” when they showed a naked and psychotic Charlotte Gainsburg masturbating in the woods.
I had to pause the movie and take a breather when she smashed Willem Defoe’s erect penis with a piece of lumber, and then he ejaculated blood.
I covered my mouth with my palm when she bore a hole into his...
Old people are like the worst parts of children...
(via sade, svennysvensven)
“Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next day...”
– I don’t think I would be giving The Wonder Years too much credit when I say it was one of the few shows that showed how cruel and beautiful life is.
I also just realized it may be the reason I am constantly nostalgic for the past…
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I was just informed by the Assistant Vice President of the bank (Assistant to the Vice President) that I will be featured in next month’s Spotlight column in the newsletter that goes out to all the branches.
Which isn’t fancy or anything, because someone is featured every four months, but she asked me to write down a list of hobbies and interests.
Yeah! Sure! Sure, lady! Sounds...
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Askinator, the Web Genius. →
He plays 20 Questions with a famous person or character you choose beforehand. So far it’s gotten Brian Litrell from the Backstreet Boys, Steve Martin and Inspector Gadget.
One more thing that creeped me out.
When I was about 15 or so a few friends and I were driving around late at night in search of creepy things. (I know this sounds dumb, but it’s only KIND of dumb. We are located in the heart of an area called The Bridgewater Triangle. READ ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT? I won’t get into it, just fucking google or some shit if you’re interested.)
So, anyway, we’re on this long, dark...
"What is your creepiest, most unnerving story"... →
Macy, my old Boxer who passed away last year, use to just stare at the fireplace we have never, ever used. Not once in the 14 years we’ve been here.
She would put her face about two inches from the glass and stare. Sometimes she would emit these soft growling noises, much softer than a normal growl and do this for 5 or 10 minutes at a time.
Before we bought this house, an old man who only...
HELCOME.
You’re helcome! Helcome! Helcome! Helcome! Oh my godcome!
My life is like a fucking episode of Freaks & Geeks. I am still reeling over the fact that the moment I LOOKED A SUPER-ATTRACTIVE MAN IN THE EYES I lost the ability to speak. Jesus Christ.
Torture ideas:
Forcing terrorists to shave their entire body with a razor so sharp that it is inevitable they nick themselves. Then have them bathe in a tub full of hand sanitizer.
Put a tiny cut on the inside of their mouth that hurts so good they can’t help but tongue it on their own. Auto-torturing. Genius.
Hook their d’s up to a penile plethysmograph that is customized to also...
Good looking man with eyes like an extremely fuckable sunset: Thank you!
Me with eyes like a pool that should be chlorinated more often: You're Helcome!
My brain: HELCOME. Helcome. There is no way of getting out of saying "helcome". Quick. Quiick! Make it better!
Me: (nothing)
I want to raise my children in a happy, nonstressful, pro-child atmosphere, but I also want them to grow up knowing that the world is full of shitty shit and people do crappy things all the time and that no one is safe, ever, physically and emotionally.
Catch 22.
So I woke up in the middle of the night, opened my eyes and could only see white. I darted my eyes back and forth and could see no glow of my alarm clock, the pulsing white of my laptop light nor the blink of my cell phone.
I audibly gasped — probably louder than anyone has gasped before because, this was it. This was the big one. After years of neglecting proper contact care, of falling...
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iSkcon: Because not even the Hare Krishnas are safe from Steve Job taking them and remodeling them into something better.
Timeline of thoughts while walking my dog in the...
2:58 PM: It’s so nice out. I’m really glad I decided to do this.
3:04: Oh my god, I forgot how chatty park people are. I just want to walk my dog. I don’t want to talk about our dogs together right now. Not now. I’ll just go down one of the side paths.
3:08: I really hope we find a dead body today. I’ll probably get in the paper if we do.
3:16: I hope I...
My pipe broke a couple weeks ago, which was kind of a bummer because a friend gave it to me and kind of an upper because multiple people told me it looked like a crack pipe and I’m super-sensitive when I’m stoned so I would blow it out of proportion, become overly defensive and be like, “Well, your father died of a heart attack last year. At least I have both my parents.”...
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Oh my goddddd. I forgot how good this song was. I...
Just bought a $300 hair straightener simply because it was on sale for $41.
I need to start remembering that a clearance rack is merely a suggestion and not a section of a store that I am required to purchase from before leaving.
“Towel to dressed in three minutes! I am so impressed,” I thought, as I walked out of my room in no pants.
Just remembered the time I was telling this guy about my chihuahua/pug mix. “What does THAT look like?” he asked. “RIDICULOUS. Here, I’ll show you a picture.”
And as I got out my phone, I heard the most mortifying response that could ever come from a human being after you offer to show them a picture. A picture for their eyes! A most wonderful picture that is so...
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A Tumblr I'd like to see:
Bespeckled Babes, Bongs and Bulldogs.
Pages and pages of good looking men who wear glasses smoking weed and hanging out with their bulldogs.
Dear God,
It is not too late for me to get married in Beverly Hills on 9/02/10.
I will annul the day after. I just need this to happen.
Love, Someone who never watched Beverly Hills 90210, but is keen on dumb yuk-yuks.
“You couldn’t put a finger on her. She was both wide open and the goddamnedest fortress at the same time.”
I bought You Might As Well Live: The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker for $1.50. I’m flipping through it now and while at first glance it doesn’t seem to be as well-written as a good biography could be, I can’t wait to start it and learn more about her.
...
“There are four unfortunate facts about being human: one, that we die; two, that...”
– (via Wipe Your Feet, the best blog out there.)
Tess Lynch is the Ira Glass of Tumblr. This might not make sense to some people, but I’m not going to ruin it with an explanation.
Like a small child, I say things to my father just...
Me: (unintelligible phrase)
Dad: ...Do you want to rephrase that?
Me: DO YOU WANT TO SUCK MY DICK?
Dad: I RAISED you. I RAISED you. I NEVER talked to my father like that. I RAISED YOU. What did I do WRONG?