Wait, what.

Why I Won’t Settle This Issue Outside of Our Insurance Companies as You Requested:

1. “My Mom is going to kill me.” “Oh. Is it her car?” “No, she pays for my insurance.” If you can’t afford monthly insurance payments as an adult, I don’t think you have the money to pay for the damage upfront.
2. You had an iPhone. And you still have your mother pay for your insurance.
3. “I mean, the doors still work…” Oh! Oh, good! My doors still work! Thanks for demonstrating by opening and closing my door! Great! Case closed! Let’s go grab some beers and forgot that time you drove into my car 6 minutes ago!
4. “Do you have to call the police? I mean… you have all of my information.” Yeah! Yeah, you can go. You hit me, but don’t worry about it. I’ll be the one who is inconvenienced.
5. “Do I have to stay here? I’m late for class and the police are going to make a big deal out of it. I’ll be here forever” Damn, you’re late for class? No way! I’m late for class too! Crazy! It’s almost like YOU HIT ME IN A SCHOOL FUCKING PARKING LOT.
6. When I called you to let you know that yes, I was going through the insurance companies, you sighed and asked “WHAT? YOU DON’T TRUST ME?!” Well, if I can’t trust you to look BOTH WAYS WHEN DRIVING A CAR, AND TO NOT RESPOND TO MY STREAM OF HONKING then what does that say?

I HATE EVERYONE.

The Assistant VP, who is a very nice lady, just sent me the rough draft for the little mini-spotlight 10 sentence write up.

Included was, of course, “she currently lives with her parents”. Welp. I do. Don’t I. Can’t really complain about a sentence if it’s true, right?

That’s just what I feel like the write up for my life is. “LIVES WITH PARENTS” stamped across my forehead.

I dropped the ultimate Dave Flynn on my cousins last night. Dave Flynn, by the way, is a former Massachusetts State Representative that some of my family knows.

Dave Flynning started out simple. A pause in the conversation, “Did you hear who died?” Who? “Dave Flynn!” The first couple times Keaghan did it to us we believed it to be so. Very soon we caught on and it grew groan-worthy.  Old. Then I joined in, and Dan joined in, and it evolved into a monster of trickery, a mountain of a conversational obstacle — how to set up a natural sounding dialogue to Dave Flynn correctly.

It’s easy to Dave Flynn someone once during the night. After that it becomes nearly impossible. You become suspicious of every conversation, wondering if it’s true, wondering if it will end with, “and do you know how died?”

I got the first one in that night. A simple one. We were parked and I spoke up. My voice had a slight lilt to it, as if I just remembered this fact. “Oh! Did you hear who passed away recently?” Dan asked who.

“DAVE FLYNN!”
“Goddamnit, Caragh.”
“I’m getting so good at it.”
“Fist bump. Fist bump!”, he said as he lit a cigarette.

A see a second opportunity. I must start it off right. Slow.

“I can’t believe you’re smoking cigarettes again.”
“I know. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
”Right.” Like I even care who smokes! I am sitting there embarrassed about how bitchy I am fake-being in the name of a Dave Flynn.
“I am! This is only my second one today.”
“Yeah, well, speaking of cigarettes, I watched this video of this guy who smoked just two cigarettes a day and then he got lung cancer. He passed away recently. You’ve probably heard of him before, guess who it is.”
“who?”
“DAVE FLYNN!”

Cheers all around! Laughter! High fives! We have decided it is the best Dave Flynn to have occured yet! So natural, so quick in succession to the other one! No one in the history of Flynning has someone gotten a double in one conversation!

We sat around talking, wondering what Dave Flynn would think of all this. How he would feel that the best part of our day is when we get a good Flynn in. We wondered how far it would escalate — would any of us have the balls to Dave Flynn Dave Flynn? It would surely be the ultimate Flynning.

Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.

When someone is a dick to you, and then you feel badly about yourself, you need to remember that sometimes people are just dicks for no reason and it’s not your fault. Dicks are dicks by nature, it is innate. And even if it is because I’m uglyunpleasantdumbidioticjustplainWRONGaboutitall, there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I was a bit shocked when they showed full penetration in Antichrist.

I said “gahhh!” when they showed a naked and psychotic Charlotte Gainsburg masturbating in the woods.

I had to pause the movie and take a breather when she smashed  Willem Defoe’s erect penis with a piece of lumber, and then he ejaculated blood.

I covered my mouth with my palm when she bore a hole into his calf and then stuck her finger in it.

Who knew none of it would even be fucking awful compared to her cutting off her own clitoris. Don’t show me that! Don’t show me that! THEY SHOWED IT! FULL SCREEN! ALL OVER MY SCREEN! Fuck! Who knew I wished for simpler times, like when the worst thing I’ve ever seen was a penis coming blood! Gahhhh! Guhhh! Gohhhh! YEESH.

(via sade, svennysvensven)