April 2010
little shadow.
How to Properly Conduct Yourself When Having... →
(via somuchfunithurts)
I feel like I could really charm Bill Murray if I met him. I bet I could be really comfortable and polite and half witty, but mostly charming. He’d be like, “have we met before?” and I’d be like, “no, but it’s a pleasure meeting you now.” and then I’d smile warmly and shake his hand. “That’s a nice manicure.”...
Today I realized that there is a direct correlation between the cuteness of the guy at CVS and the level of embarrassment the products of your purchases comes with.
I went to my kid brother’s baseball game today and afterward played catch for the first time in 5 years with him and his friend. I was never very good at softball, and truthfully only played for so long because I knew my father...
Just remembering the time when Honey was a puppy. Liam was 3 and one day he asked our mother, “guess where Honey is!” and my mother’s attention was focused on something else, so she made some off-hand remark and then went on her merry little way.
15 minutes later she opens the fridge for some water, and out that chihuahua mix jumped, from behind a bowl of leftover spaghetti.
lol (or: I Hate Myself and Want to Die.)
lol lol joke! joke! ha-HA! self-depricating humor! Ha! Christopher Meloni! SVU! Coco! Dick joke! Tit joke! Vagina! Vagina! Christopher Meloni! Ha! self-depricating humor! Anxiety! Sadness! lol! joke! drugs! weed! Christopher Meloni! weed! lol! SVU! lol! CAPITAL LETTERS! LOL!
Good night, muffin.
I check all three alarms multiple times before going to bed. Phone, computer, clock. Phone, computer, clock. Phone, computer clock. I have a mental check list each time I do it, making sure it’s set for AM and not PM, making sure the volumes are all a few notches below max.
I know this is one of those things that might get out of control if I let it. It’s like in junior high. Our...
My former boss at the pet store, who would do lines off of upside down aquariums, had a scorpion tattoo on the back of her neck.
She hated it, so she got it covered up.
With a tattoo of a tarantula.
The Census will track you down like Predator.
A woman showed up today and asked questions for the Census, because no one ever filled it out.
The dogs were, of course, absolutely horrible and for the first 2 minutes I stood with Chloe caught between my shin-pieces and holding The Chug while she was emitting that strange low, rumbling, slow growl. That dog is fucking half chihuahua, half Tails from the Crypt.
The lady hated my dogs (and who...
Womens be so crazy and spending money so crazy....
I feel like the government should reimburse me for tampons and bras. Is there a Women’s Reimbursement? Can we make this happen? I will make a very good politician someday. I will be at the head of the parade, throwing tampons to the crowd just as Santa throws candy for the children.
Cardboard applicators? Fuck cardboard applicators. When I’m a winning politician I will do away with...
Are you an adult when you can’t lay down in the middle of the afternoon to watch Lost because the thought of Things To Do is putting your insides through a mystical shredder that is powered by guilt and unfocused fear?
Is that the mark of being an adult?
drinkyourjuice:
CocoRosie - By Your Side
...
Dear Hulu,
Holy fucking shit, calm down on the fucking HPV-prevention ads. Jesus CHRIST.They are the absolute worst ads in the world. I KNOW WHAT HPV IS, STOP MAKING IT SOMETHING I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME. I don’t want to think about death via my vagina every time I watch Community.
It’s not even making me want to get the Gardisal shot (even though I will), it’s making me...
“I’d lay awake at night, scared to fall asleep, because sleep seemed no different...”
– Ira Glass (via synecdoche) (via shahday)
Day 3 of calorie restriction:
As I was heading to my car after class, a seagull walked by me with an entire slice of pizza in his mouth.
Reinstated my failed attempt at calorie restriction the other day. I lost 15, gained back a number I will never know about because I refuse to step on the scale for another two weeks, and now I’m back to looking at an ounce of extra-sharp cheddar cheese (roughly a one inch by one inch block) and wondering how, just how in the name of anything that is holy (like extra-sharp cheddar cheese)...
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong, buddy? Why you so sad? Come on, bud. You...”
– Trying to figure out why my father won’t let me buy him a dishwasher.
I like talking to my parents like they’re four year olds because they get all “lol” and “genuinely h8 my daughter” at the same time.
3 tags
“Yo boy, you so fine I want to give you a bris with my mouth region.”
– What Jewish Rabbis would say if they were Catholic Priests who listened to a lot of west coast hip-hop?
2 tags
What kind of young woman with a net worth of $18 gets yelled at for offering to buy her parents a dish washer for their birthdays/parents’ days/Christmas present? This young bitch right here.
Like, damn. My mother is gung-ho about it, but my Dad is like, “No”, “Stop talking” and, my favorite, “why do you DO this to me?”
I know! I know! Worst daughter...
More impressive than the time I wrote and researched a 10 page paper in one night, I just wrote a two page paper from scratch in 32 minutes.
I would be so good if I tried coke. That’s what I tell myself every day, “You would be so much more efficient if you just tried cocaine, Caragh” but I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t try coke until I could try it with a...
LOL at the post a few down.
How fucking upset would my ancestors be if they know some day one of their descendents would be like “I will be better, and then I will be free” and it’s only because the bitch can’t get a grasp on her personal life and she wishes she felt the confidence and security to do, like, anything? Meanwhile great-great-great-great-great-great-gram is like, “we had to fucking...
3 tags
Yo, I just saw pictures of a baby boy named Ocean.
I don’t need a qualifier. I can do things. I don’t have to back up my actions. Life does not require prerequisites.
I am working on this.
I don’t know how I became my own biggest obstacle. I want to tell you that I am amazing without an air of sarcasm. I want to let you know that there are parts of me that should be worshiped. And that I’m working on the other parts, so...
Whacha gonna do when they come por tu?
I’m watching Cops and I can’t even believe that this dude is saying he just did a 30 day stint in jail for a quarter of marijuana. That’s mind-boggling to me! It’s as mind-boggling as how gravity came to exist. God, that’s a thing to think about. Even scientists are like “lol” and just shrug their shoulders. I know because I hang out with scientists a lot....
All I wanted to do was know what a Kardashian...
Me: Do you have the new Kardashian perfume?
Sales Lady: No. We won't get that in. You'll probably only find that in lower end stores. Like a Target.
2 tags
Re: More hotel-based pregnancy phrases.
I would refer to the umbilical cord as “womb service”.
I wish I owned hotels because then when the time came to tell people I was trying to get pregnant I could wink and be like, “I now offer full womb and board” and then we’d clink our glasses to toast how great I am at hotel-based jokery.
I’m not so sure how not to worry. I often tell myself that nothing really matters in the end, except maybe my happiness, and then I start worrying that in the process of harnessing my happiness I will trample all over the happiness of another person. It doesn’t work.
I don’t remember when I started to worry. I don’t know if it’s something within me or learned...
2 tags
Sick and spending my Friday night watching youtube videos of people using the Neti pot.
This is like watching porn. I want clear nasal passages. I want them now.
“He told me he put Twizzlers in a stripper’s vagina and then had his friend eat it out.” - My cousin, on the dude who chews Xanax by the handful.
Tomorrow I’m going to the casino with a couple people and a boy-man who I used to kinda know who is now crazy-addicted to so many things and, allegedly, on steroids. I don’t believe that he’s on steroids because he...
King of the Hill is magical to me. I would never describe it as a show I like, but when I’m sick and layed up in my bed or on the couch I can watch a dozen episodes in a row. Just watching. Not laughing. Not moving. Watching for hours for reasons I can’t explain. Magic.
I’ve spent so many minutes trying to replicate Hanks shock-horror gasp. WAUHAUHAU.
“I have frequently seen people become neurotic when they content themselves with...”
– Carl Jung (via psychotherapy)
Sure, Jung. You tell us WHY, but not HOW. You’re all the same.
ALL OF MY HEROES ARE HUMAN.
Also: Jung Money. Lol, Lol lol lol 4-eva.
Mom: There were two HUGE Pres... Pre... Presbyterians out there.
Me: Uh, what?
Mom: Those two huge Presbyterians? Down by the duplex at the end of the street?
Me: What? What? What do you mean? Like, door-to-door Mormons?
Mom: No, like those two that killed that woman last year. The Presbyterians down the street! We were talking about them yesterday. They're huge!
Me: MOM. MOM.
Mom: What?
Me: MOM. Do you mean Cane Corsos? The dogs? Are you talking about the dogs? MOM.
I’ve just been so miserable for the last 72 hours. I need something good to happen. I need it to happen soon.
There is so much I wish I could share, because sharing in this Tumblr is cathartic. I enjoy writing about the situations and things that make me angry or sad and trying to spin it in a funny light. It helps.
I’ve just been so miserable and sad and disappointed that...
