May 2010
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The most bullshit experience in the world is when you blow-dry your hair in the steamed-up bathroom and your face immediately starts sweating.
Can I blame BP for the perpetual oil slick across my T-Zone during the last week of every month?
I’m probably buying some sort of spanx-type situation for my graduation dress.
Yes, it’s true. As I’m sure you’ve guessed from this...
My friend’s older brother, who is a winning weight-lifting competitor who works as a Rocket Scientist for NASA and has also been published in music magazines because he apparently writes well held the door for me today on the way into the party hall.
I don’t even think he knows who I am or that I was even with that party, so that made it ultra-embarrassing when I fainted and he had to...
I know you probably won’t listen to that audio post, so I just gotta WRITE THIS DOWN for you.
I was driving down the street listening to the radio station and the topic of Gary Coleman came up. The caller and DJ made jokes about flying the flags at half-mast or, more appropriately, quarter-mast.
Then they immediately started to play Short People by Randy Newman. Short people got no reason...
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I once had the weirdest, most psychologically fucked up dream starring David Spade that I’m not even comfortable sharing on my blog. You know, the space I write about the twisted joy of PMS-boobs and how I wanted to kill myself as a teenager? I don’t even feel comfortable sharing it in that.
I think I told Becca all of it. I think. I don’t even know. I know I told her some of...
I’m honestly trying to think of reasons why anyone would want to try lucid dreaming and I can only come up with flying, fighting and fucking.
I’m trying that lucid dreaming crap again. It’s not crap, I know, but I feel like referring to it as crap because it sounds so hopeful and happy and everything I’m not feeling right now. MY LIFE IS JUST SO HARD AND MY FACE IS SO GREASY: The Autiobiography of Me the Week Before my Period; Why I Cry at New Babies and Old Dogs.
In high school, or maybe junior high, I started to...
purposely forgetting.
I wonder if it’s normal to feel a horrible, embarrassing memory come on, but you’re not quite sure what it is yet. I feel it breaking down walls, getting closer to the right part of my brain that will relay that memory and I try, try, try to fight it off. It never worked until I learned the quickest way out is to think of something else instead of those breaking walls. There’s no...
There are some songs that you just can’t listen to anymore. Smell is supposed to be the strongest sense tied to memory, but I don’t think the scientists who wrote that report listened to Jeff Buckley’s Grace in high school while drunkenly, and very innocently, sharing a bed with a guy they were friends with.
I’m listening to the album right now, I’m listening to the...
I can’t even believe myself right now. I’ve come to terms that I have recently become addicted to writing in my Tumblr. My first action upon thinking a thought shouldn’t be to run to my laptop, right? I mean, it should, because I’m a fucking goldmine of beautiful phrases and this shit needs to be recorded for the annals of history, but I could probably afford to condense it...
“Now who’s bwave?”
Great. Fuck TLC. I don’t veg out in front of the television often, but when I do I often find myself watching some sad documentary on TLC. You know, like, The Saddest Child that Ever Lived Until She Died in a Fire with Her 8 Week Old Puppy.
Right now I’m watching 6 Going on 60 which is about one of my favorite genetic conditions: progeria.
...
Dad: What's in it?
Me: Onions, shitaki mushrooms --
Dad: Don't swear.
Me: Onions, fuck you in the ass mushrooms...
Dad: (an unintelligible mix of laughter/shame/embarrassment followed by...) CARAGH.
Me, to my brother: I've given up trying to be funny to Dad, now I just try to say as many swear words as possible to him. Last week I realized this makes me no better than Bam Margera. I am just Bam Margera.
Christina made cheese ice cream. Has she gone too...
etrangere:
And it’s not a sweet cheese, it’s a nutty cheese. I don’t know how to feel about this. This is shaking my belief in Cheesus to the core.
I just saw The Human Centipede and I have to say that this sounds even more experimental than butt-to-mouth surgery.
Anonymous asked: Hey, I just wanted you to know... something really bad happened me today, well not me personally, but someone important to me and I came across your blog an hour ago.
I laughed on the same day I felt like I would never laugh again.
I hope this gigantic cheeseball didn't clog your arteries. Thanks though, really xo
I laughed on the same day I felt like I would never laugh again.
I hope this gigantic cheeseball didn't clog your arteries. Thanks though, really xo
Twoish weeks into the summer vacation and I’ve already reached the point where I pull on jeans that were crumpled up on the floor and find a bag of weed that I had no idea existed.
YOU WANT TO DATE ME.
Plans for the day include a doggie playdate with a girl I’ve known since 7th grade and then the viewing of The Human Centipede.
ALL OF MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!
I won’t get my pets high because it’s not their decision. I realize that this is stupid because like, 1) I ripped out their reproductive organs without consent and 2) I shouldn’t have a stance re: my pets getting high at all.
I like to present myself with hard questions to really get to the root of who I am. If I had to choose between saving my mother or father in a fire? Neither. The guilt would be too hard to deal with. Could I marry a midget? I’d go for it for Peter Dinklage, if only for his perfect motor-boating height which is probably prime comedy material. If my friend told me they murdered someone, would...
I smoked my first sober cigarette the other day and it only proved everything I suspected from watching Leonardo DiCaprio and January Jones: I looked significantly cooler and at least 4% prettier, so then I smoked another and then I stopped because cancer exists and that’s so sad and makes things so boring. Cancer: So boring!
“HAHA awesome. I am the best!!!!! :) :[ :/ ]: 3;/ that last...
The Pacific is specific
What if toast was a thing of the past? I want toast and I’m just not letting myself because I’m pretending that we live in a post-toast world and I’ll tell you what, you guys: it’s mildly disappointing.
Today is the first real day of summer break nothingness and this is what I’ve resorted to: pretending all of the world’s toast is gone, reading, practicing...
Scenes from spending hours logging in dollar bill...
Dillon: D20304, B94925, A00727--
Me: Wait, what?
Dillon: A00727.
Me: ...
Dillon: A... double-oh... seven, two, seven.
Me: Hah... Uh... Wait. Once more.
Dillon: A00727.
Me, just staring at him with my fingers poised on the keyboard: UHHHHH.
Dillon: WHAT IS WRONG?
Me: I DON'T KNOW.
Dillon: Is the double-oh confusing you?
Me: No! I don't know! Those words aren't sounding like numbers right now!
Dillon: They might not be, really. I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
benfound:
Your Love is My Drug, by Ben
As it...
What if I just enjoy being worried? What if I enjoy missing things? What if I enjoy nostalgia? What if I enjoy yearning for something better, something not mine, something I can’t have?
What if the habits I can’t quit and the feelings I can’t curb are the things I need?
What if every little piece of me is a piece that matters and while trying to change all of this, I am losing...
My father just asked me to look out the window, at the wires above the trees. It’s pouring out and I couldn’t see anything. He pointed again and told me to look lower.
Flashing lights in a linear formation. Twinkling on and off in bunches and groups like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Naturally, my mind drifted to a firefly orgy. “Are those lightening bugs?” He told...
Sometimes I think my saddest moments are the ones I spend doing my makeup and hair in Photobooth instead of a mirror.
UPDATE: DID NOT EVEN GET THROUGH TO THE STATION
NOW LET’S GO TAKE A FINAL.
I’M SHOCKED AND IN HORROR.
The person who got through did not win. I will keep these ones out of the bank until I win. Mark my words. Mark my money-hungry words.
I just found an old piece of scrap paper in my car from last semester where I wrote down a couple lines from a poem, I think, or maybe just a quote. I remember I liked it and wanted to look it up later which I why I wrote it down. I am googling with fervor and cannot find what it is from. If you know, please let me in on the secret:
and me and mines, and the likes of me and me and mines
I...
“Anyone want any gum? You guys? Anyone? Want any gum? What’d you say, you...”
– I am the worst type of person sometimes and I don’t know if it’s on purpose or not. The entire time I said this I was like “Ha-HAAAAAAAH” and also “stop, Caragh.” Verbal IBS.
I will absolutely be winning $50,000 on Tuesday morning from a radio contest.
I’ll tell you more Monday evening, but let it be known I created this entire plan, this entire scheme, this entire intelligent process in a matter of 45 seconds at 7:46 this morning.
I’m bubbling with excitement.
Just washed my face and cannot stop laughing. The only way to make a facial-situation worse than it is is to give that face a fat lip. Hilarious. Kudos, face.
I want to note that, upon discovery of slightly larger lip, I swear I heard the faint jingle of Ke$ha playing somewhere from above. Wake up in the morning feelin’ like P. Diddy…
Frozen milk in my cereal is way too much for me to...
(via etrangere)
We’ve got like, such an ET/Elliot connection. First we get our first periods within a week of each other, and then our childhood cats die of unnatural causes within like, 3 days of each other AND NOW WE’RE CONSUMING ICE MILK WITHIN 24 HOURS OF EACH OTHER? WOAH. WOAH. TOO MUCH. ICE MILK PUT IT OVER THE TOP.
GIRLFRANDS TO THE END.
Sometimes you just gotta be like, “fuck broccoli” and then throw a glass of chocolate milk in the freezer at midnight and wait for it to get kind of icey so you can trick yourself into thinking you’re drinking a frappe only 300 calories less and not just ingesting ice milk, which is probably what poor people drank by accident when they didn’t have temperature regulators on...
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I’ve always wanted to submit a secret to...