July 2010
June 2010
Just remembering my high school health teacher. He was this chipmunk of a nervous wreck and claimed his only vice was half a cup of black coffee in the morning. How boring.
When he taught us about the reproductive system, he mindlessly stood in front of the projection of a spread-eagle diagram of a vulva and had the word “CLITORIS” in capital letters drawn on his forehead for a solid...
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“I have a major infatuation with crimes and murder.” - Khloe Kardashian, in an episode that aired two days ago, but I’m just watching for the first time now.
“I just want to solve some crimes.” - me, one day ago.
How does one befriend a Kardashian? Should I just let it happen organically since it’s just so clearly meant to be?
Ask-ton Kutcher →
I’m going to go out and most likely fill my mind and body with toxins to alter my state of thinking and when I come back maybe I will answer your questions if they’re not the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life.
Things that are bullshit:
Me making every plan and and itinerary and finding a hotel for a vacation and the other person bailing 50 hours before we leave
This has happened every time I’ve made plans to go to New York with someone? This is literally the third time.
Why the fuck are people such flakes? How is it hard to just stick with a plan? Do you guys not realize that your reliability is like, a thing people...
fight or flight or nap
We had a minor ant problem at my work a few weeks ago. My boss set some poisonous ant-sized Holiday Inns around the bank and that seemed to be that.
Except as soon as I went to my teller window, I saw 2 ants. I commented about them and then killed them swiftly and, might I add, rather bravely. Independent woman, I whisper to myself in these sort of situations. Independent lady.
And then I...
sweet/suite; the english language working against...
K: There's this two bedroom 'suit'.
Me: Suite.
K: Yeah. There's this one, or this 'suit'.
Me: Yeah... Suite.
K: I think it'd be pretty nice to have a 'suit' here.
Me: Oh yeah, for sure. Suite.
K: What 'suit' was that one called again?
Me: D7. But, like, suite.
K: Yeah. It is.
Unrelated, but I call getting ready in the mirror...
When you’ve done something particularly unattractive and it just makes you want to lay down where you’re standing and take a nap until you wake up a dead person, just remember that there are fetishists for everything. Everything! No matter how unattractive you just seemed, some weirdo wants to rub their organ to it!
So wipe those drops of Diet Pepsi that didn’t quite make it to...
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60 Severed Heads Found on Board Southwest Jet -... →
(via tsexrex, film114)
I read this title and made an audible noise that forced its way past my teeth and into the air (“UHHHahghmph”) without my permission. I live for this stuff.
Related: I don’t believe they ever found out about the 6 severed feet washing up along the shore of British Columbia all within a year of each other and that hurts me. I need to know the story behind...
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I wish this was a livejournal because I just discovered Iron & Wine, specifically The Trapeze Singer and all I really want to do is post the lyrics and bold the ones that speak to me on romantic, heart-breaking levels.
Yo, the part where he talks about lions and ladies calling you what you like? My heart grew smaller hearts that went into cardiac arrest because mini-hearts just can’t...
I’ve spent all day thinking about it, and I think every dysfunction of mine can be traced to the days my father would make me Mickey Mouse pancakes on Saturday mornings. He would scream in a high-pitched voice, “Nooo! Caragh, don’t eat me! Noooo! Owwwww!” as I sliced the side of my fork into an ear. I would grin and clap and squeal, shouting for him to say more as I chewed...
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How to attend your school's orientation in 10...
Wake up at ass:30 on my day off, take a shower
Try to log into school’s website, but cannot recall ever being given a PIN and end up frantically trying every combination of numbers I may have possibly used as my PIN, because maybe I DID get one and I DID change it and just don’t remember.
Predictably lock myself out of the website
See the link in the corner to change my orientation...
I’m going to NYC either next Tuesday and Wednesday or the week after. Suggestions on what/where to visit/see/eat/do/drink/stay-for-cheap-within-an-hour-of-the-city-and-with-access-to-public-transportation? Good bars? How to not get raped like in every episode of L&O:SVU?
Suggestions on how to talk the person I’m going with out of spending our super limited time at the Statue of...
Sarah Silverman has tweeted about her ob-gyn twice in under a month, which makes me wonder if she has cervical cancer or life cancer (aka she is pregnant) or maybe I just pay too much attention to a social media site that is mostly used for telling small jokes.
etrangere:
So sometimes I have awesome dreams about cool things. Like last night, I had a dream that my friends and I were hanging out outside of Blockbuster (WOOO PARTY!!). Caragh had rented an Audrey Hepburn movie and then some punk stole it from her and threw it away. OH NO!!
I chased the kid down and confronted him. He insisted that he did it because her brother owed him money. I told him...
Some day I would like to be able to access the medical records of all the famous serial killers. Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Ed Gein. Their childhoods can, and do, have the common theme of abuse, whether it was physical, emotional or sexual. There is the Triad of Sociopathy that ties these men together — instances of consistent bed wetting past a certain age, interest in...
I think a very funny thing is when someone complains about insomnia because they’re up at 4:22 in the morning, but they didn’t wake up until 2 in the afternoon. That’s not insomnia. You just can’t sleep as much as a sloth. That’s all that is.
The Blueprint 3 is like someone sucked my soul through my mouth with a vacuum cleaner and emptied the contents into a recording studio.
But I’m different, I can’t base what I’m gonna be off a what everybody isn’t, They don’t listen, just whispering behind my back, No vision, lack of ambition, —So whack!
lanthos asked: So I know that this is 3 months after you asked for this but I'm living your blog backwards right now so for me this just happened.
I have to admit that I'm really curious to know about your David Spade dream. Do you think that's something that you will ever expand upon more? Or is it really so horrible that it can't be shared?
Also, the note...
I have to admit that I'm really curious to know about your David Spade dream. Do you think that's something that you will ever expand upon more? Or is it really so horrible that it can't be shared?
Also, the note...
My cousin’s impression of me showing any emotion involves him squealing high-pitched, short notes while pretending to eat cheese like a mouse. This is hilarious to me and always causes me to literally throw my head back and cackle because I have no way of reigning in my laughter. Because while I realize my voice, when excited/angry/flabbergasted is several octaves higher than what humans are...
My father, 17 year old brother and I were standing around in the kitchen. I was half perched on the counter across from my father, who was leaning with his shoulder to the fridge. My brother was behind him sitting at the table.
The conversation leap-frogged around with no real consequence until we started to discuss the time my brother was caught smoking marijuana behind the school near our...
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drinkyourjuice replied to your photo: All day men be comin’ up to me like, “Caragh, how…
girl no lie i thought that was a pregnancy test and the look on your face killed me. i was like “THIS POST ABOUT 2 GET REAL!”
I just died laughing at this, because I was just straight up looking at that picture for the past 4 minutes straight. Every few years I get into these Feelin’ Like Rosie...
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gross.
Today I got really ashamed over bedsheets. Bedsheets exist because we leak fluids, shed dead skin and molt hair. It’s mad embarrassing when you think about it and now I’m ashamed over having bedsheets. To own sheets is to admit your body does disgusting things.
I can’t wait until science fixes the human body by turning it into some sort of hypoallergenic, nonporous material.
I...
Watchsparkiepop:
Andy and I are working on it! He just brought back loads of DVDs filled with Conan stuff and other great things. I’ll let you know when his website is ready to roll. :)
whydoihaveablog:
Why isn’t Andy Blitz on my television or computer more often? I think about this Late Nite clip once a week.
I just think it’s really shitty of him to withold his jokes from me.
Yo, I think this...
PLEASE HELP!
artislovely:
hey everyone,
This is my new friend Rebeka. She has been through a lot in her short life. She has been gracious enough to share her life experience with us on her blog. She is doing the best thing any person could ever do in their lives. She is helping others.
but she needs our help. Rebeka is trying to raise $4000.00 USD to get to Tanzania to volunteer in an orphanage in...
WatchWhy isn’t Andy Blitz on my television or computer more often? I think about this Late Nite clip once a week.
I just think it’s really shitty of him to withold his jokes from me.