August 2010
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Holy fucking shit, here's some Monday morning...
Source: Wikipedia, which I will blindly put faith in:
Haiku (俳句, haikai verse?) listen (help·info), plural haiku, is a form of Japanese poetry, consisting of 17 moras (or on), in three phrases of 5, 7, and 5 moras respectively.[1] Although haiku are often stated to have 17 syllables,[2] this is inaccurate as syllables and moras are not the same. Haiku typically contain a kigo...
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Friend: When I was little my dad used to point out pregnant women and told me they ate the watermelon seed, and that's how babies are made. "Don't swallow the seed!"
Me: And then later on you found out swallowing the seed is a way not to get pregnant.
Friend: Oh, that's good.
Me: I know. I felt it as I was saying it. Everything aligned.
(via thatwhitebitch)
I will pay upwards of $35 (plus supplies and shipping) if anyone has the means to turn this picture into a gold pendant upon which I can thread a chain through a hole at the top and wear it around my neck.
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“I hate talking about my feelings.”
– Kourtney Kardashian.
It’s hard to talk about something you’ve never known, girl. I don’t talk about politics because I know exactly 0 of what goes on because my brain flat lines when I hear the words government, president and summit. I wish I could care, I really do. I honestly...
Seriously?
I was looking into the bands playing at Boston’s Freedom Rally next month and gave up after clicking through half of them. The only ones that seemed tolerable were Onyx and some hispanic rapper who drops the N-word a lot. The rest are these awful, dreadlocked white people who list the following under the musical influences sections on their linked Myspace accounts: “Life, Love, Sex,...
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When I walked into the computer lab at school during orientation, I was immediately hit by a memory from age 9. Me and my cousins were there during some sort of… civilian hours deal. One of my favorite things to do was read movie scripts and that afternoon I found myself reading the Titanic script (I was 9, please keep tha— no, wait. Fuck you. I’d do it today, too. Leo 4-eva)....
I don’t know what the normal amount of time the average woman spends per day absent-mindedly manhandling her own breasts, but I’m sure I exceed that limit.
Trying 2 figure out if dis iz normal or nawt.
Me: I remember once a customer overdrew his account and I saw it was from buying something from Video X-tra.
Dad: Really? What was it, porn?
Me: Video X-tra. That store on 44.
Dad: OH. Yeah. Nothing but porn.
Me: Well, there's some butt-porn.
Dad: Fruitcake.
Me: (wordlessly does a "good at words" dance back to my room.)
Dad: So my boss called me last night and asked "hey, can you do me a favor?" and I said "anything for you, Tim--"
Me: That's disgusting. Why are you sharing this with your daughter.
Dad: What is wrong with you? You're nasty, sometimes, Caragh. So he asks if I can do him a favor and I say yes, and he said "Actually, I really need this from ya" and I said "all right, shoot."
Me: YOU'RE DISGUSTING. I'M YOUR DAUGHTER.
Dad: STOP. CAN I TELL THE STORY? STOP. TURN IT OFF.
Me: All right, I'm sorry. I'm done.
Dad: ...So he told me he was interested in trying out homosexuality.
Me: HAHAH.
Dad: Yeah, but no, he wants me to play in a golf tournament.
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Anonymous asked: are you jewish?
ughliamseacow asked: What is the precise Jewish to man ratio that you find 'ideal'? Do you think 100% Jewish and 100% man all in one masculine Semitic entity would be like, too much of a good thing?
Please listen to this and look into my soul;...
“I get the whole ‘desert’ and ‘higher power’ thing, but...”
– Louis CK to Osama Bin Laden in a dream.
Louis CK is the funniest person on television right now. And if you haven’t watched Louis CK: Shameless, then your life is lacking. It’s one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen. He really finds comedy in every little aspect of...
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Vast solar system found 127 light years away →
If the size of The Universe doesn’t totally blow your mind, you’re not thinking about it enough. It’s one of those things I can’t even comprehend. I’m just not smart enough. It’s so far removed from anything I have ever or will ever experience.
The information feels like its within the cerebrospinal fluid surrounding my brain; always wobbling around it, but...
A chronology of human experimentation in the... →
I know it’s pointless to reblog something on the radar, but this is the best Wikipedia article. Maybe second only to the Dyatlov Pass Incident, which is nearly pornographic to me I like it so much.
kateoplis:
In 1945, as part of Operation Paperclip, the United States government recruited 1,600 Nazi scientists, many of whom had performed horrific human experimentation in Nazi...
The English bro-fessors that helped with orientation were these skinny dudes, one mad Ted Leo-ish, the other with the longest ponytail I’ve ever seen, glasses and absurdly large hands, which I love, but not for the reasons you’re thinking of at all. There is something so cartoonish about people with exaggerated features that I can’t help but feel endeared to him.
Big Hands I...
I have no problem discussing my period on this blog, but when it comes to my ~*~hopes ‘n’ dreamz & fears~*~ I end up deleting it and writing about how it’s easier to write about my period.
I (think) I just (possibly) finished (maybe) all of the necessary paperwork for my loans for the upcoming school year. Or maybe I didn’t. It’s really all a mystery. I had previously thought I had done so, but I was surprised to find I hadn’t. There is more. There is always more. No matter what you are trying to do, they will give you more and you won’t even know about it...
~*~Secret Life of a Bank Teller~*~
Customer: I'd like a $25 money order.
Me: Okay, but we have to charge you unless you withdraw it from your account. Would you like to deposit this and then wit--
Customer: IT CHANGES. IT CHANGES. EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE IT CHANGES. LAST TIME IT WAS FINE. THE TIME BEFORE THAT IT WASN'T. FINE. FINE. I'LL DEPOSIT AND THEN WITHDRAW.
Me: (silent while I do his transaction, because fuck talking to anyone who was raised to treat people that way over signing his name on two pieces of paper.)
Customer: Can I take two lollipops?
Me: ...
I had to sit down in the middle of cleaning (the only time I clean is when I’m nervous, and tomorrow I have school orientation) after picturing Don Draper making out with Don Draper and they’re both manly and maybe a little muddy and inexplicably have battle wounds on their chest and biceps.
Can someone photoshop that for me? Can you photoshop Don Draper in a suit making out with Don...
Professor Richardson also believes that party... →
Some science bro is whining about the quick depletion of a natural gas, but all that actually matters is that my love and fascination of all things balloons is now totally and utterly explained.
Got my brain on that $$$$, even subconsciously. Watch me.
Black Is A Stallion: Last Night I Kind of Lost My... →
It’s the late show on a Saturday night in Columbus, Ohio. I’m halfway through my set and I mention Barack Obama. Some scattered boos. Which is normal. Somebody always hates the president, no matter who that president might be. In this case, the president is Obama and I am a fan, so I always ask…
In which Michael Ian Black happens to write about how Nazis press his Jew button roughly 16...
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I just accidentally snapped my bra shoulder strap against the third worst sunburn I’ve ever, ever had (THIS MEANS SOMETHING IF YOU ARE A REDHEAD) and could not breath for a length of time that felt much longer than it probably was.
I bet I could advertise on Craiglist and have some weird bro peel this sunburn for some major cash. There is opportunity to make money everywhere. Never forget...