October 2010
"I've always had real trouble knowing what my...
“I’m a total fuckup, honestly. The reality is I’m not this person with this driving “get it done” attitude. I’m a complete fuckup and I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life. I’m constantly tortured by a sense of failure. I feel like quitting all the time. I feel like hiding in drugs or alcohol. I feel like I’ve failed in terms of what my...
September 2010
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I know that starting over is not what life’s...
I want to change my pants before I go out tonight, but that would involve taking off these pants and then putting on different pants and I just can’t wait until we live in a pantsless society and hopefully, also, dogs will have opposable thumbs by then so my dog can text me when she runs away, just to let me know she’s safe.
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We will either die by his hand or prosper from his...
Liam, objectively the smartest, funniest, most mature 7 year old you could ever meet, received an invitation to a classmate’s party.
“It’s from 3:30 to 7:00,” he read. “Woah, that’s kind of long. I wonder what you guys will be doing,” I replied. “I don’t know.” “Well, it can’t be a pool party. Too cold.” “Maybe...
Anonymous asked: If you marry Rob Kardashian, would you start spelling your name Karagh?
An inappropriate card to give a high school sophomore who just lost her virginity would be one that has a picture of a sad hymen on the cover and then on the inside it says “sorry for your loss.”
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I don’t understand how it is both chilly and muggy at the same time. How is that a thing that is happening? Is my body broken? Am I having a stroke?
Dexter Episode 501: "My Bad"
Here’s this thing that happened! Are you guys watching Dexter? He has the second best jawline on television right now. Also, it’s a good show. But mostly: good jawline.
tvschool:
By Cara Lorraine
The biggest question surrounding the fifth season of Dexter is not how the titular character will manage dealing with becoming a single father now that his wife is dead, nor how he will...
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Thinking about this past conversation, can't stop...
(Guy pulls book from my purse): This looks like a really good book.
Me: Yeah, you don't read.
Sunday Cara: Next week will be better! Even if it’s not, I have pink glitter fingernails!
Monday Cara: My dog ran away twice! Came back twice, muddy! Was late for work due to my dumb dog! Dogs are the worst! Never get a dog! They cuddle at night to make you forget how awful they are when they are awake! Got stuck at work late! Only got three hours of sleep last night! Thank god for my...
Anonymous asked: just a little tidbit of info for ya Rob K is going to be guest hosting at Rumor in boston the 28th of this month according to the internet.
Universal Truths
No one anywhere is under the impression that Garden State deserved to be made.
If you’re over 18 and your favorite movie is still Fight Club, you have a problem.
When girls wear jean shorts and their butt cheeks alternatively pop out with each stride, they are not wearing jean shorts. They are wearing denim underwear and I can’t think of anything else that points out with more...
TV School: TV School Homework Assignment:... →
Come on. You know you want to. You know you’re a comedy nerd who wants to write paragraphs about a comedy show for other people to read. You should do it. I’m talking to you, specifically, and don’t think any different, my dear blog reader.
tvschool:
Are you brilliant, hilarious, magnetic and opinionated? Do you watch Eastbound and Down? Would you like to write for TV...
incurable asked: Wanna go Scuba Diving?
Anonymous asked: Caragh, how did you get to be so cool at such a young age? I'm 30 now (don't say it) and I wasn't nearly as cool as you were when I was 23.
Anonymous asked: do you remember me from teen open diary?
Anonymous asked: Where is your donate button already?
Train Kills Elephants Trying to Protect Their... →
Oh, come on. Goddamn it. Everything is awful.
I once read that when elephant culling is necessary to provide population control so they don’t starve/starve off other species, they must cull entire family units at once because the family dynamic found within herds is so strong that elephants can grieve for days over the bodies of their family.
Everything. Is. Awful.
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Week from Hell
Was assigned a group for an Art History presentation. One person did not make it to any of the meetings. Night before the project was due, I e-mailed him and told him what his assignment was. “When do you want it by?” Well, it was due the next day AND he had to send it to me AND I was supposed to edit it into the paper. “Um, Tonight. Preferably by 9.” 1:30 in the morning 6...
I have had such a horrible week that I can’t even write about it while trying to be A Person Who Takes Punches Humorously. I don’t even know how to describe to you how I found out, or what it feels like, to know that I may have been told to take unnecessary classes by my adviser. $2500 worth of unnecessary classes. Money I can’t get back if I withdraw. Classes I can’t...
I’m trying to write 200 words in the next hour for a 1000 word art history paper and all I can do is laugh and laugh because I’m going to die in 60 years and this is what I’m doing. Hilarious. It is the best joke of all. Kudos, society and life. Kudos. You’ve got me in your trap.
M: Cara, you are obsessed with celebrities.
Me: No I'm not! You're remembering the Cara from high school. I am not anymore.
M: All of your facebook status updates are about the Karda--
Me: YOU LEAVE THE KARDASHIANS OUT OF THIS.
Anonymous asked: Why do you expect compliments and civil questions in your ask box when you yourself are cruel and uncivil?
Blind as a doornail, deaf as a bat.
I have what I imagine to be the worst eyesight that has ever existed. This is hyporbole, but just barely, and only because Helen Keller once walked amongst us. Without a visual aid, your face is blurry. Yes. It is. No, I don’t need to know how close you are. Until we are giving each other eskimo kisses, you are blurry.
I just came back from a new eye doctor. It was my first exam in two...
Anonymous asked: do people ever say mean things to you on your ask box? i hope not, that would be dumb
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“Should you happen to be possessed of a certain verbal acuity coupled with a...”
– David Rakoff. (janked from metacritique’s facebook)
This is so exceptional that I can’t even deal. Halfway through reading it, I sped through it so fast I realized I wasn’t even processing what was written and had to go back and reread it. I just wanted it too badly too quickly.
...
kaseyanderson asked: You're like the female Marc Maron. (That's an enormous compliment in my mind.)
Also, the idea that James Franco has not yet peaked aesthetically bent my fucking mind.
Also, the idea that James Franco has not yet peaked aesthetically bent my fucking mind.
Anonymous asked: Do you think your writing style has changed (the topics, your willingness to be open) as you've gotten more followers?
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incurable asked: You funny as shit, bitch.
The next time I freak out about stress and lack of time and how I’m only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep 5 nights a week, remind me that I bring it upon myself with nights like tonight; hours of aimless meandering in conversation and driving, laughing hard, Dunkin Donuts coffee at 1 in the morning, watching the stars and talking about Jupiter. Remind me that the exhaustion by day is always...
Well... ouch.
I am sometimes the master of getting over things. If you give me two hours to rage, rage, rage, I will then find more peace with myself and the situation than the goddamned Buddha. It’s easy for me (after, you know, the whole nonsensical raging part) to sit there, and close my eyes, and think “this is the situation. This is the pain. This is the anger. And that’s it.”
And...
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At least racism is still funny.
In a way. Racism isn’t really funny, but racists are based on how clueless they are. I love hearing racist people talk about how their racism. They put so much energy into it and it just looks exhausting. They probably are exhausted. Racists just need a nap is all.
I don’t have that energy so I just hate everyone the same amounts, except for that English major scruffy 20-something...
I was dicking around on Tumblr today as I’m wont to due during lazy Sundays in my pajamas during hours not meant for pajamas and came across this chick’s blog. I saw that mega post she mentions below and like, damn, I know what it’s like to see your parents struggle financially.
Luckily for them, my parents are relatively healthy and they both have jobs. But they’re still...