- D: Did you put the pretzels in the cereal box and put the cereal box in the freezer?
- Me: Is that where the pretzels were?!
- D: I opened up the freezer and saw the Life cereal. Then I saw the bag of frozen pretzels inside and thought 'I guess someone ripped the box', then I realized that made no sense because there was still cereal in the box, too.
- Me: I spent all of class trying to figure out how I lost an entire bag of frozen Super Pretzels between the fridge and the toaster while sober.
February 2011
By pretending to be so low down and quiet and meek and subtle, you will find yourself steadfast and easy, standing up on and upon a six foot chair from which you are absolutely unshakable. No one can knock you if no one knows you are there.
By jesting yourself of your own follies and faults, you will find yourself being laughed at, as they are laughing with, and that is better than those misfortunes being murmured about behind locked doors and closed windows.
This is a call, a reminder, that I was one the pretending to be so low down and quiet and meek and subtle. I am the one drawing pointed attention to my follies and faults. I am the one in charge.
I don’t know what this revelation is supposed to mean, but I am often a little slow on the uptake.
Eight Lady Bloggers We’d Like to “Blog” →
thesmokingjacket.com
I made this list for TSJ. You might see yourself on it.
I love this because I love Molly and feel validated by her in ways a psychologist could really get into and also because of the fact that my big, red head is on display next the muppet replica of me in the midst of some ladies with pouty lips and sexy lingerie. SMH (I don’t know if I used SMH right).
January 2011
Haikus about baby showers.
There’s no open bar?
Wait. There is no bar at all?
Intolerable.
Uterus? Empty.
Mine, not yours, my dear cousin.
I can still have beer.
No, really, I can.
You are the only one who
cannot drink. Selfish.
Only so many
“Oohs” and “Ahhs” re: tiny things
Before I want beer.
I’ve already decided I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day watching Blue Valentine for the first time while getting drunk on this bottle of wine a customer gave me today and probably accidentally recreating the Black Swan masturbation scene when it gets to the NC-17 part where Ryan Gosling goes down on Michelle Williams (the white one).
Play
ABANDON ALL HOPE →
youtube.com
I had this idea once where I would screen all the weird videos I find on the interweb for all my friends with normal lives. I was going to call it ‘Bugout Theater’. This would have fit in nicely.
Everyone, Chris is genius.
Oh, no. For real, everyone, Chris is hilarious and you should follow him. Maybe Chris will see this and “follow” me in life aka maybe he will actually hang out with me soon even though I think he’s spent two thirds of our husk of a friendship being annoyed by my word thoughts and mouth noises.
In early high school Becca and I talked about how much we wanted to be friends with Chris. Then we became friends with Chris and it was all right. We’ve told him this story several times.
“Too metaphorical,” I realized, when I noticed that I was walking on the side of the sidewalk covered in slush, completely ignoring the dry half, piebald with salt stains.
There’s only so much that will be done for me. I need to learn, or to remember, that I don’t need to walk around in slush.
Earlier today, I was writing down the word veterinarian, and then I thought veterinARYAN. Like a vet who's also a white supremacist.
I just felt pretty Cara-esque when that happened.
I’m equal parts delighted someone would inform me of this and creeped out that someone anonymous knows me well enough to know how me-esque that really is.
i'm mildly to moderately obsessed with you. it's become an issue, seeing as i've now stayed in 2 nights in a row. and i ALWAYS go out. i was reading your blog, circa page 34, and lied to my friends about not feeling well so that i could keep obsessing. help me? (don't help me. just keep on doin you).
whydoihaveablog.net: where you can stay in and read a blog about staying in and blogging.
We make you part of the experience!
I’m supposed to be reading Beowulf for the third time in my academic career and all I can think about is how I bet Mark Zuckerberg has probably once said “poke” out loud with a straight face upon entering his azn girlfriend.
“it’s important to be a bitch in this world from time to time
but you’ll never get anywhere in this world being a FUCKING CUNT.” —
but you’ll never get anywhere in this world being a FUCKING CUNT.” —
This blog’s posts are so fucking appropriate sometimes.
what does jojoba oil do for your skin? and how are you supposed to use it? just apply it directly? please help! i have terribly shitty skin :(
It moisturizes the shit out of it without making it look greasy. You can put a small amount directly into your moisturizer bottle, or apply directly to your skin.
I personally put three drops into my hand, rub them together, and attack my damp hair, focusing on the ends and at the nape of my neck where it’s mad damaged. After I blow dry, I put another drop in my hand, lightly smooth away frizzies and pat my face with the slightly Jojoba’ed hands.
I don’t know what your particular skin issue is, but chances are it needs to be moisturized, even if you are greasy and full of zits. Especially if you are greasy and full of zits.
The number one issue with topical acne medication tends to be excessive drying of the skin. But then your pores are like “yo, mad Sahara-ish out here, pump that sebum” and then by noon your T-Zone is indistinguishable from the BP oil spill. You need to make sure that you trick your face into thinking it doesn’t need to send quarts of oil to the surface of your skin, that it already has just the right amount hanging out.
Moisturize your face region every morning before your forehead starts harming sea birds.
Today I started to think about someone who wasn’t that nice to me in high school in a way that really bothered me, like I wasn’t even good enough to be rude to in person. Just passive-aggressive to my face, rude behind my back.
Then I remembered that they have an opiate addiction and if my life was a movie, it would be a lot of quick cuts of me going about my day to day activities while laughing boisterously. Chuckling while reading Beowulf for class, giggling while eating cereal, guffawing as I brush my teeth, wet flecks of Crest hitting the mirror in front of me.
“Having power over a sleazeball is like being rich with some outdated form of currency.”
—
I was so afraid of sleeping over my alarm, that I stayed up all night cleaning and just took a 30 minute power nap at 6 AM.
This is some advice I just gave a friend and I think it’s so appropriate. I’m so delighted with myself. My intelligence increases with each… something, something, something. I’m going to go take a nap.
