February 2011
0 posts
D: Did you put the pretzels in the cereal box and put the cereal box in the freezer?
Me: Is that where the pretzels were?!
D: I opened up the freezer and saw the Life cereal. Then I saw the bag of frozen pretzels inside and thought 'I guess someone ripped the box', then I realized that made no sense because there was still cereal in the box, too.
Me: I spent all of class trying to figure out how I lost an entire bag of frozen Super Pretzels between the fridge and the toaster while sober.
By pretending to be so low down and quiet and meek and subtle, you will find yourself steadfast and easy, standing up on and upon a six foot chair from which you are absolutely unshakable. No one can knock you if no one knows you are there.
By jesting yourself of your own follies and faults, you will find yourself being laughed at, as they are laughing with, and that is better than those...
Eight Lady Bloggers We’d Like to “Blog” →
molls:
I made this list for TSJ. You might see yourself on it.
I love this because I love Molly and feel validated by her in ways a psychologist could really get into and also because of the fact that my big, red head is on display next the muppet replica of me in the midst of some ladies with pouty lips and sexy lingerie. SMH (I don’t know if I used SMH right).
January 2011
Haikus about baby showers.
There’s no open bar? Wait. There is no bar at all? Intolerable.
Uterus? Empty. Mine, not yours, my dear cousin. I can still have beer.
No, really, I can. You are the only one who cannot drink. Selfish.
Only so many “Oohs” and “Ahhs” re: tiny things Before I want beer.
I’ve already decided I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day watching Blue Valentine for the first time while getting drunk on this bottle of wine a customer gave me today and probably accidentally recreating the Black Swan masturbation scene when it gets to the NC-17 part where Ryan Gosling goes down on Michelle Williams (the white one).
ABANDON ALL HOPE →
etrangere:
christopherlindstrom:
I had this idea once where I would screen all the weird videos I find on the interweb for all my friends with normal lives. I was going to call it ‘Bugout Theater’. This would have fit in nicely.
Everyone, Chris is genius.
Oh, no. For real, everyone, Chris is hilarious and you should follow him. Maybe Chris will see this and “follow” me in...
“Too metaphorical,” I realized, when I noticed that I was walking on the side of the sidewalk covered in slush, completely ignoring the dry half, piebald with salt stains.
There’s only so much that will be done for me. I need to learn, or to remember, that I don’t need to walk around in slush.
Anonymous asked: Earlier today, I was writing down the word veterinarian, and then I thought veterinARYAN. Like a vet who's also a white supremacist.
I just felt pretty Cara-esque when that happened.
I just felt pretty Cara-esque when that happened.
luckybetch asked: i'm mildly to moderately obsessed with you. it's become an issue, seeing as i've now stayed in 2 nights in a row. and i ALWAYS go out. i was reading your blog, circa page 34, and lied to my friends about not feeling well so that i could keep obsessing. help me? (don't help me. just keep on doin you).
I’m supposed to be reading Beowulf for the third time in my academic career and all I can think about is how I bet Mark Zuckerberg has probably once said “poke” out loud with a straight face upon entering his azn girlfriend.
“it’s important to be a bitch in this world from time to time
but you’ll never...”
– tangents&thetumblr:
This blog’s posts are so fucking appropriate sometimes.
Anonymous asked: what does jojoba oil do for your skin? and how are you supposed to use it? just apply it directly? please help! i have terribly shitty skin :(
Today I started to think about someone who wasn’t that nice to me in high school in a way that really bothered me, like I wasn’t even good enough to be rude to in person. Just passive-aggressive to my face, rude behind my back.
Then I remembered that they have an opiate addiction and if my life was a movie, it would be a lot of quick cuts of me going about my day to day activities...
“Having power over a sleazeball is like being rich with some outdated form of...”
– I was so afraid of sleeping over my alarm, that I stayed up all night cleaning and just took a 30 minute power nap at 6 AM.
This is some advice I just gave a friend and I think it’s so appropriate. I’m so delighted with myself. My intelligence increases with each… something,...
“Is there a lighter in your purse?” “Definitely not. Definitely not in my purse.” “Okay, Rain Man.”
Tonight my friend called me Rain Man and I almost had to pull the car over because I started to laugh so hard that the tears clouded my vision. I was laughing because it’s true, I sounded like fucking Rain Man. I was also laughing because it was so mean.
...
3 tags
How to quit smoking weed on the near daily.
“After this bag.”
“After this bag.”
“It’s time to be realistic; the bag after this bag.”
“Did I really think I wasn’t going to smoke weed when I have all of these new Li’l Wayne songs to listen to?”
“Might as well celebrate the first two weeks of winter break.”
“Might as well celebrate the last two weeks of...
“I think with comedy you should have no prejudices. As soon as you have...”
– Ricky Gervais
(via Splitsider / purns)
“The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with...”
– I just read the aforementioned Date an Illiterate Girl article again between classes becauses I felt it itching at my brain like an opiate addiction.
Let’s make our “typefaces” bold, ladies. Insist upon it.
thought catalog: you should date an illiterate... →
bees-knees:
“… a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the...
I know something is embarrassing if I think to myself, “I’m not even going to blog about this.”
Unrelated, for scale: No one would know I just spilt Diet Pepsi down my cleavage if I didn’t blog about it right now.
“I also read the Bible for the first time. It was deep! I liked the parts where...”
– Li’l Wayne, on prison and The Bible and things that are cool.
“I’d bust a nigga’s ass at Uno. We gamble for phone time. I’d...”
– Weezy, on prison and Uno.
2 tags
Do you ever wake up from that Facebook browsing low level of consciousness and suddenly snap to the realization that you are clicking through pictures of someone you either hardly know at all, haven’t seen in years, or want to secretly bone? Sometimes this is a three in one deal.
Like any refined person, the moment you realize what you’re doing you hit the “back” button...
The smartest, truest thing I have ever said.
“I’m going to take a shower when I get home.” “It’s 3:30 in the morning!” “You can take showers at any:30 in the morning and it’s fine.”
3 tags
I think faux-sincerity (late-2010/early-2011) is the new sincerity (2008ish), which I think was the new apathy (1990; apathetic cycles always run long).
ADDENDUM TO PREVIOUS POST:
Person C calls for a ride from the bar down the street an hour after you fake(ish) complain about your plans being canceled. Kill a bottle of champagne with person C, create the best fake name of Harry Tonguesworth with them, and then sheepishly admit “before you texted I totally blogged about all of my plans falling through.” Come home at 5 AM, have blogging regrets.
Think about how...
What a bust of a Friday night!
Here is how to have a lonely Friday night! All steps included!
Say “no thanks!” to one invitation for celebration as you already have plans on top of plans!
Plans get mungled! Coffee plans still remain!
Say “how ‘bout after coffee” to Persons A and B RE: beers! Say “Come along for beers!” to Person C upon receiving text!
Tell person you were supposed...
I pulled up to the four way stop with my right blinker doing the only job it knows how and waited for a red truck to take its turn, his right blinker performing its only known task, half a beat faster than my own. There was an awkward idle until it dawned on me that the red truck was pulled over to the side of the road and had not meant to be taking a right.
I looked at who was behind the wheel...
Today a friend stopped by at 3:30 in the afternoon and I was still asleep in my Care Bear pajama pants.
I am essentially devolving into a toddler this winter break. Last week I was thinking about how bomb it would be to have a sippy cup, so you could drink Gatorade in bed when you were hungover. Cheerios have played a prominent part in my breakfast game as of late.
Just went out into the snowstorm, 2:43 AM, to grab a book from my car. Got distracted by the glow of peaceful snow and how I like how the snow looks, sometimes, when it falls and lands and sticks in my messy hair and average lashes. Started to build a snowman. A plow rumbled by and I realized that snow was still cold. I went inside and wrote this.
1 tag
In which my friends fuck with me.
I think I’ll make this a feature on the reg, probably. My friends like to fuck with me because I’m often gullible and usually 3 high pitched, panicked inhales short of a panic attack at any given moment anyway, and I guess it’s all fun and stuff for them.
I was sitting in a friend’s parents’ driveway, one who calls fucking with me as being apart of the...
