November 2011
October 2011
Anonymous asked: When will you come back? We really relate. We need you
I Am Suing Kim Kardashian by Rob Delaney →
William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.
I’m crazy busy this week, so going to be a couple days before I can actually formulate what I want to say about the Kardashian Konjugality Kollapse, but here is something...
Last reminder, I promise.
(Repost from Friday or Thursday or I forget)
To Those Who Giggle:
Though it ultimately depends on how many submissions I get, I am planning on doing a post to HelloGiggles next week of you guys in celebrity costumes.
That is the worst, most awkward sentence ever. I have too much to do tonight to care.
The point is, if you’re dressing up as a celebrity for Halloween, send me a picture! You...
My Pippi Longstockings hair was the most successful thing I’ve ever done in my life, as evidenced by a group of Japanese tourists who stared and smiled at me, while one motioned for me to take a picture with her friend in addition to a bunch of other people who asked me how I did it while touching my head.
Right now I’m on some Japanese tourist’s Facebook page about her visit to...
I almost feel an obligation to tell you guys my...
The very moment I sat down after doing a 15 minute in class presentation on the eroticism of The Piano, I saw that I had deodorant residue all up near my shirt’s arm pit area on the outside of my shirt.
Y’all wanna be my Baines, don’t you? Want to play me like Ada played that piano. Come and get it boys, there’s enough deodorant residue stains to go around for all of you.
...
1 tag
Mrs. Bean
It got worse.
So much worse.
I bought a new denim skirt today from a different Salvation Army. I have now spent over $25 on denim dresses/skirts for my Pippi Longstockings costume.
First dress - too small.
Second dress - I had to cut it since it went to my ankles, and you can’t be Pippi Longstockings without your long stockings showing. I cut it too short. At first I thought it would be...
wait, wait, wait...
you’re supposed to measure things?
(Now I’m glueing back on some of the material I cut off because it’s too short.)
Everything I do results in the most obvious of disasters.
Remember how I said I had a lot of stuff to do...
That included a lot of homework and a lot of working on my costume.
I’ve been sitting on my bed in a t-shirt, black tights and two different colored knee high socks, watching SVU episodes for over an hour. A bottle of fabric glue in one hand, a pair of scissors in the other. For over an hour. Because I keep thinking that I will get back to my costume.
To Those Who Giggle:
Though it ultimately depends on how many submissions I get, I am planning on doing a post to HelloGiggles next week of you guys in celebrity costumes.
That is the worst, most awkward sentence ever. I have too much to do tonight to care.
The point is, if you’re dressing up as a celebrity for Halloween, send me a picture! You might get on HelloGiggles.com’s front page! All submission...
“…and then we hugged, kissed, and high-fived.”
– The conclusion to my 3 year old nephew’s dream, which took 15 minutes to tell, about how he and my little brother got into a giant fight over video games, zombies and the pets.
I should be doing homework, but I’ve spent the last 15 minutes lying face down on my bed because earlier today, at a thrift store, I saw a belt with a bunch of pastel colored lobsters sewed on to it, and I just left it there, like it was something that doesn’t matter to me at all, even though I now see that it matters to me very much.
“Clever people know it’s alright to laugh at taboo subjects.”
– Ricky Gervais (via rickygervais)
“alright” isn’t all right, which is why this makes me laugh. I still agree, however.
Watchcharlyneyi:
In case you missed me on Conan
Charlyne Yi is one of the most endearing people to watch on Conan.
Anonymous asked: My biggest fear is having my corpse sexually molested when I die. What is yours?
Anonymous asked: I loved your Kim K wedding special review but why didn't you address Bruce's earrings???? Are those new? Or has he had them for awhile? How do you feel about them?
What about when you finally take that pill that you’ve had lying around for about 6 weeks because you don’t even really have time for drugs anymore, so you take it on a Sunday when you actively planned to do nothing but paint your nails and search for cute water bottles because your sanity needed it, and then half an hour later you forgot you took the pill and you wonder why...
Most suburban thing I've ever done
Go to modcloth.com because I want a really cute water bottle.
(edit: the options weren’t cute enough. Now perusing Etsy.)
Call me crazy, but I am 100% certain that having an affair with my father’s new friend that he met because their 8 year old sons are on the same football team is the best way to get back at my father after an argument with him.
Pros to this plan:
My father gets angry because I slept with a middle aged man
My father loses the only new friend he has made in 15 years
Cons to this plan:
???...
Anonymous asked: Is there anything that you won't joke about? I have a couple of crude jokes that I thought you might enjoy but I'm not sure if you might find them offensive.
Anonymous asked: can you go back to talking about the kardashians and crying and stop letting your followers know how racist you are? totes joking~~~ or not it still is.
Anonymous asked: would you rather kill a black baby or a white baby?
“Dear Herman,
If being gay is a choice, show us the proof. Choose it. Choose to...”
– I love everything about this.
Dan Savage Challenges Herman Cain To Prove Being Gay Is A Choice By Performing Oral Sex On Him
(via drinkyourjuice)
I love this so, so much.
Why doesn’t Anna Faris have her own line of pipes and bongs? The Kardashians have a clothing line, Nicki Minaj has an OPI line and Katy Perry has rubbed her scent all over every material good a celebrity can shill herself for.
Does someone want to make an incredibly girly line of glass pieces with me? There is a huge market here that is barely being tapped into.
I have no artistic ability...
My pipe broke
What’s your favorite place to buy pipes? I find online prices to be better than the head shops around here, and usually use Etsy myself (“usually” being the two times I’ve bought bought a piece.)
My only condition with buying a pipe is that it needs to be vaguely to incredibly girly.
So?
I was going to write a post that said “not to be racist, but whenever I see a tiny asian teenage whore, I’m always relieved that I will never disappoint my father as much as she disappointed hers.”
But then I thought about instead writing, and this made me laugh out loud while I was in the middle of peeing, “not to be racist, but black people are the worst!” because...
“Sometimes I leave the house and I’m like, “I know I’m missing something.” And...”
– I’m So Sad I Could Eat a Horse: A Foodie’s Guide to Eating Your Emotions.
Why is the mug of tap water so on point, and so real?
MY NATURE DOCUMENTARY →
jordanrubin:
This is probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever read in my life. It makes me sad whenever I read it because I fear that I may never read anything as funny as it ever again. If it doesn’t make you smile, I can’t help you. Nobody can.
This is great, but I just woke up and read “Jack Handey” as Jack Hanna and the entire time I was reading this I was like MAN, I...
1 tag
3knuxdeep:
I’m at a point in my life where I’m recognizing there are points in my life, but no point to life that I can find, and realizing that there is no point in finding a point.
