December 2011
Happy New Year!! I just found a lump on my breast! It’s probably nothing, but maybe I have cancer and then start selling drugs like Walter White!!
Be safe! Don’t drink and drive because that’s dumb!
Let’s hope I don’t get super drunk and make everyone feel my boob while I sob into my champagne!!!
“If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn’t bring you tears either of...”
– John Cage
(my favorite quote from the entire series)
“Shit’s been brewing while I was gone. My knives are sharp, and my purse is full...”
– Coke Talk is a fucking treasure.
Anonymous asked: You should do stand up. I'm afraid of people too, and I think we can both admit the hilarity in an introvert being a comedian. Plus you're funny as fuck. That compliments means more than what you may assume, f-bombs are for special occasion only. Anyway, I ask, will you please do stand up?
1 tag
Target
Cashier Dude, holding my bra: There's no price tag for this. Do you know how much?
Me: Oh, er, no.
Cashier Dude: Like, an estimate?
Me: A dollar.
Cashier Dude: Nice try.
mykicks asked: he's not covered in blood though wut
“Does this dress make my vagina look big?”
The local arcade has a deal with the customers: win a ticket that ends in the number 777 and that single ticket is worth 500.
Well, a few months ago I walked into the joint and broke their system: My friends and I play every game once and track which machines are closest to ending in “777.” It’s a genius move, and both times I’ve done it, we’ve gotten two 777...
1 tag
Anonymous asked: Jesus, Caragh. At times I want to mouth-kiss you, and at others, it's like, "Come on. Shut up, white girl."
I wish we could go back to the time where women on their period were only expected to lay in bed and watch Teen Mom 2 and Breaking Bad in their pajamas until 10 PM, when it’s time to change into new, clean pajamas because you have some standards. Or one. You have one standard.
That was a time, right? That happened sometime in history? Let’s bring it back.
Anonymous asked: If you made a rape joke in the presence of a person who had been raped, and that person was offended, would you apologize?
Darwin Awards
One day, during one of my first shifts of work at the pet store, I took a couple tanks that once held recently sold rodents into the back room to clean them.
I dumped the urine soaked shavings into the trash, and brought the tank over to the large sink where I poured in an unnecessary amount of bleach. While spacing out, I rocked the tank back and forth so the bleach worked its magic in all of...
“That’s what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody...”
– Louis C.K. (via winnr)
justanotherblogforcaraghpoh:
Changing shit up after having realized what this blog is really about. 3knuxdeep was a lie, and masking my true intentions, though they were hidden from me for something like 10 months. I couldn’t have unearthed this truth without Caragh’s help, of course, and by that I mean she bluntly stated that all blogs exist for her. What a self-centered cunt.
I saw my name...
2 tags
The lawyer asked Jesse Pinkman “is that clear?” after informing him that his parents were kicking him out of his aunt’s house due to his meth lab in the basement, and Jesse Pinkman did not look the lawyer square in the eyes with a cool stare and state, “crystal,” and that is such a major flaw and this is the reason why Breaking Bad needs to hire me as a writer as long...
Watching I Spit on Your Grave on Christmas.
Aunt: If you hear a noise, wouldn't you stay INSIDE and ON THE PHONE?
Me: Seriously, she's an idiot.
Cousin: Shut up, you guys accidentally stayed in OAKLAND on your road trip.
Aunt: That first night could've... it could've been planned a little better.
Me: What did you say when we were trying to fall asleep? "Tupac WROTE about here!"
Aunt: And then we decided that our next road trip would just be to visit all the places Tupac wrote about.
Me: Hah, yeah.
Aunt: Remember that guy who asked us if we wanted to go to his room to smoke weed before we even got to the door to check in? And the signs on the wall saying that the rooms weren't to be used for child prostitution?
Me: And then a few nights later, in Malibu, we stayed in the only hotel run by legitimate meth addicts.
Aunt: There was sand in our beds.
Me: I think even at the time we knew we were making memories, though.
personality-less asked: Happy winter solstice- jesus birthday- oil miracle- gift day!
I'm the adult.
Liam: How big is Santa's sack?
Me: (wide-eyed, awkward smile, trying not to laugh as I think about how to answer this question)
Liam: NOT LIKE THAT. NOT LIKE THAT. NOT LIKE THAT.
“We haven’t done anything in awhile.” “You mean things together? Us?” “Yeah.”
My 8 year old brother saying this to me as we tracked Santa on the NORAD tracker online + a glass of wine = trying not to cry now that he’s in bed and I think about the day I finally move out and we both discover what it’s like when we really haven’t done...
I wish I was 17 again so it would be appropriate for me to write “Christmas trees” as my status update as code word for getting high on Christmas Eve and wrapping presents while watching Billy on the Street, but I’m an adult so I can’t do that anymore.
I want to schedule a hair appointment at my salon for New Year’s Eve, but I’m so embarrassed to go back after the crazy person display I’m 99% positive was a teensy bit over the top when I went in after my bangs emergency.
The one where I forced them to trim my bangs, even though they said I did a great job, because “I just need a professional to do something. Anything....
mommasonlysonbebakincakes-deact asked: Your opinion of adderall and things similar?
megwhat asked: Do you think Kat Stacks will get out of jail? What do you think she'll do when she gets out? What's your stance on sloths?
triverati asked: Apologies if visiting my page has scarred you for life. At least you can share that pain with about 60 of your followers who flooded to my page after your post.
funruiner asked: What was/is your favorite class aimed at your degree?
Hi(gh). →
I didn’t go Christmas shopping or get high and watch Teen Mom, but I am going to get stoned and then answer some of your questions because I’m on winter break and only work 20 hours a week!
I might go out and buy a few more Christmas presents, but also I might just get high and watch Teen Mom 2.
It’s all so up in the air right now.
“You think you love banana splits but really you just love the maraschino cherry...”
– One Sentence Love Story « Thought Catalog (via nickdouglas)
2 tags
“hey. smell my nuts?”
– People like you really exist, huh? (via inboxawkward)
Follow my friend’s online dating blog. Can you believe people like this exist? AND THAT IT PROBABLY WORKS SOMETIMES?
I commend their perseverance. I bet over the course of a year, this dude is going to message one girl who is really into...
