The kind Libyan mechanics down the street promised to pass my car despite the various red flags which would cause it to fail inspection. I promised to have it in this morning, but instead I’m scrambling to finish this report. I’m so sorry. How much more injustice can the Libyans take? How many promises shall fall short of being kept?
I started to think about how meaningless The Oscars are and how people who usually don’t give a shit seemingly start to give a shit. It’s like, why are you giving a shit over The Oscars? Why? I didn’t watch it even though I totally want James Franco to do crazy things re: his mouth, my mouth. Then I started to think if I was up for an Oscar, like Best At Not Killing Myself or...
Malawians voice anger against farting bill →
etrangere: The Local Courts Bill, to be introduced next week, reads: “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour.” These are the kinds of injustices that move me. This is a political...
The lonely whale →
The lonely whale A baleen whale that’s been tracked by the Navy since 1992 can’t attract a mate because his singing voice is too high. To make matters worse, the high-pitched whale “does not follow the known migration route of any extant baleen whale species.” The result, according to Dr. Kate Stafford, a researcher at the National Marine Mammal Laboratory in Seattle, is...
Eight in two days.
Liam: In my after school cartooning class --
Me: Liam! I didn't know you were taking cartooning. What have you been making?
Liam: Well, the setting's in New York and the people are... I don't know, they're just people.
Me: What happens to them?
Liam: They get jumped and beat up and shot.
Me: Sounds about right for New York.
Liam: Everything is right about New York.
This is a reprieve from homework, part I.
I got so dumb the other night that when Jess and Matt put a comically small hat on my head, I did that thing where I’m laughing a lot until it turns into high-pitched, dolphin squeaks, because it’s not real laughter, but just anxiety demons trying to escape from my mouth and infiltrate the very ether of the room, because there’s only so much space for anxiety demons in a...
The prospect of my friends and some weed brownies waiting for me at the end of the evening is the only thing getting me through the day. I’ve been up since 5:05, about to go to my first job, then to classes wherein I need to make a presentation, then off to my other job until 6:15. But then, oh, special treats. The specialist of treats. I’ve smoked, what, three times in the last...
Anonymous asked: 1. what stresses you out/frustrates you/annoys you?
2. what makes you happy?
2. what makes you happy?
The KKK sure was something, wasn’t it, Preston? And the Holocaust, too.– Talked to Preston about race relations today before my shower. Such a good little toddler.
Have I said the f-word in here yet? No? Anyone can say fuck. It’s...– One of my (male) professors. He had the class raise their hand if they believed women should earn the same income as men when performing the same labor, to which everyone agreed. He then asked for those in the class who considered themselves feminists to keep their hands up. I was one of three...
Anonymous asked: After a long time dating Christian boys, I (Catholic by birth) finally found myself a Jewish boyfriend. Sometimes he tells me about Hebrew school, or his neuroses. I think you might be the only person I can share this joy with.
Me: Right. But it's not just about money. It's not the money that's attractive, for most women, I think, so much as what it implies. It denotes ambition and drive, and there is absolutely nothing more attractive than someone who is driven.
My brain: Especially... if he is being driven... around in his own limo.
Things I Do Not Understand And Definitely Am Not...
thingsidontunderstandand: A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again could be the perfect name for a new nail polish color.
I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie [Sheen]’s baby, but you...– 22 year old porn star, Kasey Jordan, about her most recent abortion. I literally laughed out loud. I also had the same problem last year when I was 22. I kept getting pregnant. I’m just very fertile that way. Job hazard, you know.
I watched Up for the fifth or sixth time last night, and it was the only time I didn’t cry. This might be because we were busy trying to find metaphors for miscarriages. We figured out Up is just about a miscarriage that survived and was raised in a sewer, until it became a boy scout and went on adventures. The adventures are also metaphors for more miscarriages. There was a pretty powerful...
Oh, what the FUCK.– Today in Inappropriately Emotional Reactions: I find out the little brunette curly-q from the Pepsi commercials of yore is Jesse Eisenberg’s little sister. I don’t know why I’m so upset.
Anonymous asked: I have discretionary income and read your blog for entertainment purposes. How can I send some of my discretionary income to you so that you can buy weed/gas again? It's at least worth the laughs you've given me, and I'm happy to do it anonymously.
winnr: Childish Gambino - Freaks & Geeks ...
I like my tampons to be cold.– Liz Lemon, explaining why her fanny pack is in her office minifridge.
My Friday night turned into me in my pajamas getting a drunk dial from a guy I used to buy weed from who I haven’t spoken to in a year and a half who just had to tell me that another guy I used to buy weed off of who I haven’t spoken to in two years got a DUI last summer when he fell asleep in the McDonald’s drive-up with his foot on the brake. That was only a run-on because...
Chase Britton, Boy Without a Cerebellum, Baffles... →
Chase also is missing his pons, the part of the brain stem that controls basic functions, such as sleeping and breathing. There is only fluid where the cerebellum and pons should be, Britton said. Britton’s pregnancy was complicated, so doctors closely monitored her. Deepening the mystery, she has detailed ultrasound pictures of Chase’s brain during various stages of fetal...
Social Media Profiles of Women Examined
Females who claim in their social media profiles that they’re “not your average grrl,” are most likely the most average-ass bitches you will ever meet in your life. “You either love me or hate me”. You’re boring and no one thinks of you at all. Quoting Marilyn Monroe? You’ve just metaphorically signed a contract stating that you have no personality or...