“I’m beginning to think there’s no real laughter-inducing parts of Uncle Tom’s Cabin to read to you guys.” I discovered a used book store on my lunch break and brought some of the books over Jess’ to read aloud to my friends so we could laugh together. Though I bought George Carlin’s memoir and a Nora Ephron book, the two I chose to bring in for laughter...
Dan: hey outback come to (redacted)'s.
Me: copilot. on my way.
Me: Copilot. But also copilot I guess.
Me: COOL. FUCK AUTOCORRECT.
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Have you ever suddenly snapped to and found yourself looking at the facebook picture of some babe you don’t even know, and so you click the back button? And click it again? And again? And again, over and over until you realize, with horror, that you mindlessly looked at over 100 pictures of this same anonymous babe? Did you ever come home from a wonderful first date, settle down on the...
In a restaurant
Jess: Your problem is that you have an intense fear of public humiliation.
Me: Yeah, I guess. Yeah.
Jess: All of your anxiety stems from what you think people think of you, and I can tell you right now that no one is thinking those things.
Me, progressively louder: I know. But like, I'm doing pretty good? I'm not on medicaTION? I'M NOT SEEING A THERAPIST OR ANYTHING, SO I THINK I'M DOING PRETTY GOOD. I WORK THROUGH IT ON MY OWN. Oh my god, I just -- maybe not. Maybe I'm not. I just said that so loud.
My co-worker curled my hair at work, just because. As I sat in the chair and watched customers watch me, I was reminded of the Saturday last year she had me sit while she adhered tiny, individual fake lashes to my lid. “Are you kidding me? Last time I was in here, you guys were painting your nails.” “Friday is makeover day for the bank tellers.” When she spritzed the...
I drive to work and I drive back home and I drive to the car wash to throw out the rotten meatball sub someone left in my backseat without telling me. I wonder how much of my grief is for the right reasons, and how much of it stems from my heavily selfish tendencies. I went to the wake and asked where she was. She wasn’t there, her coffin wasn’t there. I asked where she was, but...
Ryan Dunn dies in car accident. →
tsexrex: well that sucks. shitfuck. Kaileen and I have watched so much Jackass together this year, it’s incredible. Damn. If I had never seen Jackass before, and someone came up to me and said, “Caragh, you would really like Jackass,” I would be like, “you’re fucking retarded.” But I really like Jackass. I genuinely laugh at Jackass. I belly laugh at...
Someone who lives in my town and goes to my college is featured in the paper for being a blogger/Internet Person. I have 1100 more Twitter followers than her. Whatever! Fine! Whatever! Let’s see if I ever donate money to this town when I get super rich for reasons/activities/skills I have not yet figured out! We’ll see then, won’t we! Yeah, we will!
I just found tweezers in my hair. (?) Glad to know I can still Liz Lemon the fuck out of my surroundings even after a 45 minute phone conversation punctuated with tears. Life feels stale. It will pass. She will never leave, but this will pass. The language of grief is not based in words, but actions. I’m so grateful for so much.
Here is how it goes: You still have to set your phone’s alarm clock. You still have to wake up. You will forget to remember that she died until you look at your phone and recall the text that made your heart stop. You will remember that before you saw the text you knew there was going to be a text. You saw the sad face emoticons on Facebook, the word “devastated” on Facebook....
It’s never who you expect. It’s never the chronic drunk driver, or the “reformed” heroin addict, or the one gulping down Perc30s. What a fucking stupid, stupid world we live in.
When I become famous for being the richest woman alive via means I have not yet figured out, I hope to start a national trend of anxiety in young women. I want Mothers Against Anxiety Disorders to picket my very spacious lawn. I’ll pay Oprah to put her show on for one more afternoon to interview me and have Steven Martin on banjo as a musical guest. I’ll explain — okay, you know...
Internal Freak Outs; A Timeline
Internally freak out about your bedsheets coming off at the corner again. Internally freak out about what the state of your bed says about your life. Internally freak out about how scary it is to try to succeed at what you really want. Internally freak out about never being successful. Internally freak out that you will be one of those women who doesn’t try to get anywhere. Internally...
The only App I used on my android with any sort of regularity is My Days. I essentially have a $200 menstrual cycle tracker. The great thing about this device is that it has this really cool bonus feature that allows you to make the occasional phone call.
How my father recovers from text message typos to...
Boss: I caught an 18 in striper off my dock yesterday.
Dad: Jealous. Taking the kids stripper fishing this weekend.
Boss: Striper or stripper?
Dad: Depends on the weather.
Did you know that one time someone I met through a mutual friend flirted with me in the Boston Commons and I didn’t realize it until 8 months later, aka right this second? And only because I watched a movie earlier this afternoon that displayed an eerily similar scenario? Where is my head? What was I telling myself during that moment while we were lying on the grass? “Nah, girl, dudes...
Weed is great until you realize that you just spent 11 dollars to sit in a theater and then walk out with a 2 hour time lapse. Like what happened between the hours of 7:40 and 9:30 last night? Can you tell me? I can’t. Bridesmaids was probably very good! There were only two times that I thought the entire theater was laughing at me and not at the funny movie playing in front of us!
The Most Romantic Things a Rich Customer Said to...
“Oh, (Redacted) Car Services? Yeah, they’re working on one of my cars right now. “I only let them work on my high-end cars, that’s what they’re known for.” “I only need to cash the 9000 check. I only need 9000 dollars today.” “You have a beautiful spelling to your nam— GARY! HI! Yeah! I need you to sell that.”* *only listed...
I had a dream that someone was handing me a bag of frozen peas to put on my bruised face, and I woke up when I sat up in bed and reached my hand out to grab them. “Uh.” - Me, this morning, when I realized I had my hand out in an attempt to grab dream peas.
I Hate Myself and Want to Die; The Story of Caragh Poh and Too Much French Toast for Breakfast, coming to a theater near no one ever.
Anonymous asked: Yo Caragh, what do you think of this? http://stfucelebs.tumblr.com/post/5302481362/rape-is-hilarious-donald-glover-edition From one Childish Gambino lover to the next, I was so disappointed.
A couple hours ago I was playing Mario Kart and my housemate Charlie opened our...– keyboardpubes: NATURE Niki has one of the best blogs.
Ever since I found out that my phone can record...
Kaileen: We should make a video of us reenacting an entire Keeping up with the Kardashians episode. Just us, playing all of the characters.
Me: Oh my god. This summer! Let's do it this summer!
Kaileen: Why don't we ever tape the stuff we say we're going to tape? We can't keep saying 'this summer.'
Me, sighing: We don't have the time.
Kaileen: Are you kidding me? We're in the middle of a 500 piece I Love Lucy puzzle, there's been a butthole on the computer screen for the past 30 minutes because we were looking at Craigslist sex listings for fun, and we're watching Jackass 3.5.
cantstopwontstop acting like a moody teenager when...
Dad: How was the salad?
christopherlindstrom: “It is hard to keep your figure when you hate being alive” I think out loud as my wife reads the back of the ‘Cinnamon Toast Crunch’ box She doesn’t say a word She sits on the opposite side of our once beautiful long, white dinner table, the wood now rotting She laughs to herself While reading a box of cereal designed for a child I think I fucking hate her “Won’t you be...
Wait, wait, wait.
Tumblr, Netflix AND Modcloth changed bits and pieces of their layout all in the same day? No. This is too suspicious. I’m either in the Matrix or part of The Truman Show. (note: I have seen neither The Matrix nor The Truman Show.)
MollsSheWrote: some big news (and a bigger thank... →
molls: In late February of this year I started writing a sample television script. I guess in the back of my mind I’d hoped that it would result in me getting hired on a show or that I could maybe even sell it, but my main goal was to write something that I was proud of. I’ve shared most of my writing… Jealousy is my primary emotion. I know how petty that is, we don’t need to...
I like to race against music to get dressed because it is literally the only way for me to get dressed. That’s how irresponsible I am as a human being; getting dressed is too much work for me to just “do”. The only way for me to get anything done in this dumb world is for me to think whatever I am doing is a competition against myself. There is no one I would rather beat at...