July 2011
christopherlindstrom:
A Poem About The Only Time I Went to the Beach This Summer
I went to Nantasket to see you but you weren’t there, not really, so I left and went walking on the beach.
The stars were out and the waves were crashing but I was focused on my exit and of all the times I’ve been stuck and maybe from now on I can just leave places whenever I want and-
I really hope she noticed that...
I had a dream I was staring in the mirror and successfully curling my hair with the Conair Infinity.
That’s all the dream was.
Me, curling my hair.
It was the most relaxing dream I’ve ever had in my life. I feel like I’ve gone on 9 vacations.
I’m totally going to curl my hair today.
Ever get drunk enough to begin to bluntly ask someone “do you have autism?”, but are sober enough to know that you shouldn’t finish the question?
“Do you ha—” “…” “…” “…” “Do… you… have a bathroom?”
The guy I’ve been buying weed from told me that he has two air conditioners in his bedroom.
“So, like, there are people out there who buy energy-saving bulbs, recycle their plastic, and you? You’re like, ‘fuck it! Two air conditioners in the bedroom!”
Acting like I thought it was ridiculous and wasteful, when really I was seething with jealousy and could not wait to...
“What if pot was just accepted as a kind of dual-gender Viagra you took to more...”
– High Minded: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace My Stoner Lifestyle - Health - GOOD
Tess Lynch, trail blazer.
Go Together Like a Horse & Carriage
tesslynch:
Stoner Cooper Draper Price: Commercials for Stoners I’d Enjoy More Than the Yoplait Ad.
Sometimes people on Tumblr put their posts in italics and call them “whispery posts”. I’ve always thought this was dumb, because what the fuck does that even mean, but I think I finally get the point of a “whispery post”.
When I had people over the other day, I dropped my anxiety about everything two hours into the night because at one point it was completely silent...
1 tag
Just caught my father looking at porn.
Just caught my father looking at porn.
I started to text while driving home. An idiot move that kills others, but not me. Never me. I once thought the word “death” and had to hide under my blankets until I fell asleep.
That didn’t strike me until now, how the only thing I wanted in that moment, that moment of panic and grip and silent, unseeable clawing, was so closely related to the thing I was running from. But...
2 tags
I'm not going to be a good host to people tonight.
1: Are you still up for hang outs aka how blitzed are you?
2: I am very blitzed and listening to rap while in the fetal position in my bed, come over
You guys, not to brag, but I really feel like the $13 veggie plate that only had one section of carrots consumed really brought a mature aura to my get-together, so I’m not even mad that my fucking friends didn’t even fucking eat the 13 fucking dollar veggie platter, YOU DICKS, IT WAS THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING I BOUGHT FOR YOU, YOU FUCKING PRETZEL EATING JERKS.
How is it possible that I can constantly sleep 10 hours at a time if left to my own devices, but the night I go to bed at 5:30 in the morning after having consumed all of the marijuana, I wake up at 8:30 in the morning and can’t go back to bed?
I’ve spent the last 15 hours being totally in love with my friends. Last night could not have gone better. I can’t remember the last...
“Whatever, Mom. I only invited 20 people on Facebook to drop by anytime over the...”
– Whatever, Mom will probably be picked up by 9 networks by the time I’m done writing down all of the conversations I’ve had with my mother.
The below, I promise you, is completely true:
Last night, at around 3:30 in the morning, we were sitting around the table in my backyard. All of a sudden my phone, lying face down on the table, started to make a noise. I picked it up and there was a music video playing. Confused, because my phone had not been touched in at least 15 minutes, I hit the back button.
It was a live version of Amy...
1 tag
“Whatever, Mom. It’s happening and there’s nothing you can do about...”
– More real life things I’ve said that I’m going to put into my television show I write someday called “Whatever, Mom.”
PS, I’m a 23 year old adult woman who just got into an argument with her mother because I asked to use a watermelon she has in the fridge to make vodka...
“You’re so smart and handsome and nice. When you grow up, you can be...”
– Gave my three year old nephew a pep talk the other night about his life.
“My family is away and I want to get drunk and etc with the people I cherish the...”
– Hopefully this get-together won’t end like the last party I had, which involved me drunk and crying hysterically while hugging my now dead dog after the cops had left. And vomit. So much vomit from other people.
Nature’s objectives:
Melt my make up
Have bugs touch me
Let mud get in the way of my feet
Why. Why do I always think it’s going to be a good idea to experience naturr? Nature is, objectively, an asshole.
(whatever, I’ll complain about anything. I had fun and I’m kind of drunk, can’t beat it.)
Wishes are as good as unicorn farts, I thought while drinking milk in the middle of my kitchen.
I grimaced, because I hate that word. Queefs, I corrected myself. Wishes are as good as unicorn queefs.
I need to do less wishing and more doing.
With that same glass of milk I thought that if we were to meld everyone in the world together, we would have the perfect human being. I’m not a...
3 tags
“How many nail polishes do you have on you at any given time?”
– Jess snooped through my purse last night and I stayed mostly silent while she made fun of me, but only because I was waiting for what she would say when she found the bottle of fish antibiotics.
"I don't know how to do shoes."
How often do most people say things that illicit teasing from their friends that last for days? Because I swear I do it one a week.
Last night a couple of us were sitting around a table while Matt brought up the time we walked to a gas station.
“…and Caragh was wearing flats, by the time we got back they were ruined.” “Oh, they were mutilated. I just don’t...
1 tag
“This underwear is two sizes too big. Perfect.”
– My standards for working the 7:45AM to 12:15PM shift on Saturdays are just above the standards of The Dude.
Comfort always for Saturday mornings. Always.
In the late 90s, crackle nail polish made its way onto the shelves of drug stores everywhere. Naturally, I made my mother buy me a bottle. When I wore it to school the next day, I was teased for having a whack polish job.
Now, motherfucking OPI is selling that shit for like 9 bucks a bottle and I guarantee you that all of those basic-ass bitches that taunted me sport that shit with the false...
Ever since I moved my snake and turtle from my room to the computer room, my mother has taken it upon herself to have full custody.
I should be happy. I should be happy someone is cleaning my pets’ cages, feeding them and pointing out what new “tricks” they’re doing (pro-tip: reptile tricks usually entail them just standing or or lying on a spot that is different from the...
1 tag
“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a...”
– Louis CK.
1 tag
There is a spiritual medium who lives in my town whom I know through various connections. Every time I encounter her I look down and think: oh god, I know that dead people are just rotting organic matter and that’s it, but on the off chance they are not, please don’t let them talk to me via this woman. I can’t handle knowing that my great-great aunt saw me shitfaced at 16 because...
“No matter what terror or loveliness the earth could produce—winds,...”
– Lorrie Moore, “Which Is More Than I Can Say About Some People”
christopherlindstrom:
Dead and Dying Bees
Oh god, everything’s spinning. I’m in the parking lot of some Chinese restaurant and it’s closed but there’s nowhere else to go. The Chinese are walking to their cars and I feel like I should be more ashamed but I don’t know. They get in their cars, maneuver around us and drive away.
I want to smoke a cigarette. I don’t smoke but sometimes I do and...
1 tag
You guys I think I just tracked down the reason for all of my neurosis re: laughter, trying to be funny and it all boils down to a single moment at age 10.
I was in a store with my little sister, who tried on a headband adorned with bees on long, metal coils.
“How do I look?” she asked, the bees bobbing up and down to the cadence of her voice.
“Like a toddler with ADD,”...
If I could go back in time and tell one thing to the 14 year old version of myself it would be this:
your lingering suspicion that parties with a Pimps & Hos theme are fucking awful is absolutely correct, and you’re not defunct for thinking it to be so.
I guess I would also tell her:
grow a fucking pair and talk to people instead of shutting up in a corner.
But that’s pretty...