August 2011
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Knathanael
I shit you not, today someone told me that their nephew’s name was “Nathaniel with a K, but with an ending spelt like Michael.”
Knathanael.
They had the audacity to compare it to the spelling of my name.
Kate Nash is not extraordinary. She is a...
Blessed Friends
Friend: I feel like I have peppers or onions or some part of this pizza in my hair or clothes, do I?
Me: Nope.
Friend: It happens to me all the time! I'm disgusting!
Me: You know, one night I came home wicked drunk and raided the fridge before I went to bed. When I was getting undressed, shredded cheese fell out of my bra. So, no, I am the one who is disgusting.
Friend: The first time I slept with (redacted) I woke up butt naked in bed with him, a quarter pounder with one bite taken out of it, a bag FULL of french fries -- FULL, we must have ordered 6 fries, and a pipe. All in bed. Like I had brought the other stuff in just case he got boring.
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“A King William County man killed when a tree fell on him as he was cutting...”
– Hurricane Irene death toll rises to 15 in seven states | masslive.com
I’m very sorry for the victims and families of Hurricane Irene, but some of these deaths should split the blame between Irene and “stupidity”.
“How did Uncle Frank die?” “He was being stupid...
“Wait, what was I going to say? I forgot. OH. Uh… Well, it’s a good...”
– A friend is someone who will let you hang out with them at 2 in the morning, pulls a Good Guy Greg by giving you weed to survive the hurricane, and listens to your important thoughts on turtles. I live a pretty cool life and it’s because of the people who tolerate me.
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“Do you know what I did yesterday, you guys?”
– Me, when talking to one person last night. A single person.
Anonymous asked: how can I follow you on tumblr?
You are listening to Irene. →
drinkyourjuice:
nedhepburn:
Ambient music combined with live police, emergency dispatch radio from up and down the east coast as the hurricane hits.
Perfect soundtrack to the weatherpocalypse.
So far a guy in Virginia got taken to the hospital for punching through a glass window and bleeding everywhere, and there’s a really big puddle over on Rt. 4. brb, listening all night.
THIS...
Me: What if you lived on 101 Donald Faison Drive?
Kaileen: Is that a street?
Me: No, it's just a thought.
Anonymous asked: If you were to commit suicide, how would you do it?
I wake up the same person every day of my friggin’ life! I kind of don’t know how to change it! How are my friends not sick of me yet?! They’re probably totally sick of me. And if they’re not probably totally sick of me, they’re definitely sick of me never being the one to initiate plans.
I wake up the same person every day of my friggin’ life! Fuckin’...
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The other night Kaileen and I got stoned and settled onto her mattress (it is our natural habitat when we’re together) with her laptop so we could watch Katt Williams do stand up.
“Do you remember that face I was making last week that you took a picture of?” she asked
I took out my phone and we found a video that we forgot about entirely. We watched it three times, laughing so...
Mom: My co-worker expresses her dog's anal glands.
Me: It doesn't look that hard, I just would rather pay someone to touch the dog's butthole for me.
Mom: My co-worker. Yeah. She was a lesbian --
Me: Was? Wait, what?
Mom: She was a lesbian, then a witch --
Me: Wait, WHAT?
Mom: She was a lesbian, then a witch, then a cook, then a dental assistant, then a nurse's aide, and now she expresses her dog's anal glands.
Me: I don't think lesbian is a profession, Mom.
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Breakfast: granola bar
Lunch: brocolli and corn
Dinner: all of the pizza. all of it.
3knuxdeep:
Remember when I asked for opinions between the two puppies? That was when my family was going to get a puppy. My family didn’t get a puppy. We got a 4 year old. I figured I’d be long winded and verbose about this, so I’m sorry.
My mother has been the hardest one to please on this getting a dog thing. But, when we found a standard poodle breeder in Colorado that has a website showing...
So preoccupied with the need for change that I’m probably missing out on amazing things happening right in front of me.
I pulled into Wal Mart to buy an alarm clock because mine broke. I started to brush powder onto my face because my make up had mostly worn off by the end of my work day. I caught someone looking at me and it sent me in front of a thousand man firing squad of paranoia and...
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I haven’t even googled to see if pictures of Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress leaked yet because Marissa had a dream that I met Nicki Minaj and sobbed with my head on her lap because I was so overwhelmed and the thought of that happening eclipses Kim’s wedding dress.
Nicki was very understanding and pet my hair.
Sometimes I think I’ve finally grown up because I occasionally wear pajama pants to bed just so I can learn to appreciate pantsless sleeps even more, but then I remember that that’s not how that works.
How To Watch a Comedy At the Theaters While High
Step 1: Wake up before noon.
Step 2: Congratulations, you woke up before noon.
Step 3: Call one of your other friends who smoke pot and hope they are awake before noon
Step 4: Make plans to meet at the movie theater.
Step 5: Congratulations, you made it to the movie theater.
Step 6: Get high in your car.
Step 7: Get out of the car
Step 8: Congratulations, you made it out of the car.
Step...
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“I hope this is the kind that has levels. I love games with levels.”
– I tried really hard to fit in with people who played video games and it didn’t really work out for me.
