February 2012
“According to Santino’s sister, Santino and Rocco will be buried together.”
– Nick Santino Commits Suicide After Euthanizing Dog : People.com
Do you guys ever notice that all I talk about is anxiety, panic attacks, weed, dogs, murder, rape, suicide, babies and periods? Do you? I feel like my scalp is too tight.
January 2012
Ever smoke for the first time in a couple weeks and then get so high that you make your friends play Portal for you because you have to concentrate on breathing after you’ve suddenly realized that you’ve agreed to a fucking public storytelling event? I just kept picturing me standing up there, everyone judging and hating and not laughing, all of my friends leaving one by one so as to...
Anonymous asked: I hope you are going to the Women in Comedy festival in Boston in March. GO! Network.
3 tags
I was shuffling along with the crowd to get to class this morning, Drake and Rihanna’s “Take Care” mumbling in my broken headphones, when I heard a faint “excuse me,” that I ignored because I assumed it wasn’t for me.
Once more, and louder, with a tap, “excuse me.” I turned around and a girl handed me a dollar, “I think you might have dropped...
My friends never dream about me
I just realized that my friends never tell me that they had dreams involving me, so I assume that means they don’t dream about me. The Internet dreams about me sometimes, friends, and you can’t?
I used to dream about everyone all of the time! I would tell them, too! How can you not tell someone after you dream about them unless it’s a weird dream and you wake up thinking, like,...
A Story I Wrote in Second (?) Grade
One day in Middleboro, I saw a cupcake fall on the ground. Before I knew it I saw a whole shower of little, soft, cupcakes falling from the sky. It smelled so much like cake.
Then I saw kids trying to eat them all. Before I knew it I was trying to eat one. The next day I looked throgh my window and saw that the town was floded with cupcakes and bicycles. Some people were hurt very badly from the...
Someday I’ll tell you about three awful and boring girls I met in middle school/junior high who hated me and how, over the course of several years, I strong armed them into being my friend until they enjoyed my company. At which point I stopped answering their phone calls and only responded to their in-school conversations with tight smiles and overly polite compliance.
I didn’t...
Everything looks like it’s falling into place (except for the fact that I gained back the entire 35 pounds I lost last year, but whatever. Maybe I can go camping with my friends and then when they get lost I’ll kill myself and then they will eat for months off of my carcass and, haha, this started sentence started out as a joke but now I’m way more fucking depressed about it than...
Every morning starts off so healthy and every night ends with me wanting to slit my wrists to see how much peanut butter is currently running through my veins.
Family is 4-eva
Me: Dad?
Dad: Yeah?
Me: If you could get my period for me, would you?
Dad: You're fucking disgusting.
I’m taking an ethnographic writing workshop. My semester long assignment is to immerse myself into a culture I don’t really know the ins and outs of. It’s not necessarily racially or ethnically motivated, and I don’t even think that would really work without leaving the country. Our first assignment was reading a previous student’s work, and in that piece he wrote...
jofirth asked: Dude, I just thought you'd like to know that there was another slaughterhouse somewhere in the US that did the same thing with a river, and it flowed to the ocean and started making all of these sharks go all crazy and shark attacks increased by like 13000 percent. Yeah, that's an exact statistic. The sharks were like "Fish are friends not food OH WAIT WE SMELL MAD BLOOD, YO."...
What if instead of living my life and trying really hard to be happy I instead just set myself on fire, but before I did that, I killed all of the world’s puppies because I don’t want anyone else to have happiness if I died after failing at it?
I’m not even depressed. I’m just really sick of putting in effort for anything and also I want to die?
My license plate is, hypothetically for the sake of privacy, 35L P62.
About a year ago I was driving behind a car that looked similar to mine — 10 or 15 years old, boxy and blue. More importantly their license plate number was 32L P62. Again, for the sake of privacy, that’s not entirely accurate — what’s important is that the license plate number was exactly the same save...
Misikko informs me that the hair straightener I reviewed for them actually comes with all of the stuff I listed and I didn’t solely receive it because I am a very powerful and important human being. They also inform me that just because they give eye masks to everyone does not make me any less powerful or important.
Anonymous asked: So, because I read your blog all the time, I've become a bit deranged and now feel like your concerns are my concerns. So when I do things, like try a new type of facewash for my acne, I take a moment and think things like "I wonder if Caragh has tried this, I wonder if its worked for her?" So if you accomplish nothing else in life, take comfort in knowing that some random pimple...
Online hating...I mean dating stories: Today, I'd... →
inboxawkward:
One time I went on a date with this guy that I met online. I was super busy that day and ended up skipping lunch, so once it was time for our planned dinner I was really looking forward to it. When we met at the restaurant he said that he’d order for us, which I thought was funny but I figured,…
1 tag
Decided if I got cancer I would name it Contessa so I could bitchily refer to it as Cuntessa. And welcome to my weekend. I haven’t been the same since spending 20 minutes reading a bone cancer message board three weeks ago after Googling my cold symptoms.
I’ve learned a lot about battling cancer. A lot of it is about maintaining a positive image while literally picturing yourself...
Where do you go for a tote bag strong enough to carry a billion (roughly) pounds of textbooks and is under $50, but preferably around $35?
I’m looking for something that looks a little more snazzy than the typical canvas.
tsexrex:
Tom Petty - You Don’t Know How it...
2 tags
I had a nightmare that I, out of nowhere, reluctantly told a particularly awful customer of mine that I would blow him for $300.
“$250, and you swallow.” “$275, and I don’t.”
Fuck, this is what happens with the smallest iota of stress enters my life? Classes JUST began. Now I’m having godawful nightmares about awful men and I can’t even get full price...
