Things That Shouldn’t Give Me Anxiety, But Do. Part 2, Items 2 - 3.
1. Becoming an orphan.
Every summer my family leaves for a family vacation in Maine and since the thought of being stuck in a 25 foot long cabin with people I see every day of my life sounds like an awful time, I have opted to stay home since the age of 18.
Yet every time they leave I immediately start to think what assholes they would be if they got into a fiery car crash and died, leaving me an orphan at the adult, yet tender and innocent, age of 21.
Last night my father left me a voicemail that ended with him saying good night and “I love you.” I deleted it, and then immediately undeleted it. Just in case, you know, everyone dies. I will tell my friends, “this is the last time I heard from them.” My friends will then give me sympathy and maybe money and maybe brownies?
2. Borrowing a pencil from a classmate.
I had to borrow a pencil from a classmate on Monday. The entire process is mildly panic-inducing for me. I think I’ve grown into a relatively friendly young woman who can speak to strangers, but put me in a classroom and I shut right the fuck up. I don’t know what it is. Years and years of being stuck in the education system as a shy, fat child who developed acne at the age of 10 has Pavlovian conditioned me to feel this way, maybe? WHO KNOWS, JUST A GUESS. A PRETTY GOOD ONE, I THINK.
Once I assess the people around me (Does this one even speak English? Does that one gross me out? Will that one over there force me into polite conversation where I will have to fake smile and laugh?) I choose. And then ask. And in that millisecond between finishing my question and them answering, I feel like throwing my head on my desk and just taking a nap, because if I am DENIED, if they HAVE NO PENS, I will have to start all over and ask someone else. The entire thought of doing it all over again is exhausting.
But this person had a pencil, and it was given to me. He left class early that morning and today in class I was stuck with his pencil in my purse, wondering if it was weird to give a pencil back a day later. Or is it rude to not give it back at all? And then I just explode because I hate being a human being.
