Things That Shouldn’t Give Me Anxiety, But Do. Part 4, Items 5 - 7.
Being on the receiving end of a high five.
I know the trick. Look at the person’s elbow, you’ll never miss. Except I do. I always do. I always miss. I hit half their palm and the resulting sound is not the satisfying crack of a powerful high five (CRACK!), but the disappointing noise of two moist palms just barely rubbing against each other (ttthhwippp). It is the high five personification of Minkus from Boy Meets World. The actual moment of the abortion of a high five doesn’t give me anxiety because I am used to (and comfortable) with doing everything in a disappointing manner. It’s just… Everything leading up to it.
Being on the receiving end of a cool person’s handshake.
I’m not great at regular handshakes, I don’t think. I believe my grip is weak and I just don’t even like touching people in general. I just wish people would stop with the bells and whistles on their handshakes. I don’t get how I’m suppose to know what to do? Is there some club with bi-monthly meetings I’m suppose to join?
In 5ish years my friends will start inviting me to their weddings.
I thought of this today while waiting for my alarm to go off again after I hit snooze. I’ll be invited to these weddings and there will be a “plus one” on the invitation. What the fuck am I going to do? Let’s be honest, I’m probably going to be single in 5ish years. Do I bring a friend? Is that appropriate? Could I bring a girl friend or does it have to be a guy friend? Will everyone assume I’m dating my plus one? Will the person I ask to go with me assume I’m trying to get us free alcohol so we can have guilt free sex in a hotel room until we wake up the next morning and are so overcome with guilt the first one awake just murders the one who is asleep? DOESN’T IT SUCK WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? THERE’S A 50% CHANCE YOU’RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
