My car died on the way to the reading last night, because why wouldn’t my car die to a reading titled What Am I Doing With My Life with Christina and Caragh? I pulled over to the side of the road, tried to call a friend, and found my phone wasn’t working. In a residential neighborhood with houses built closely together, Kaileen and I danced in the street in broad day light, because what else can you do? This was before I realized my car was so dead it needed to be towed home. I wasn’t dancing when I needed a tow.
I made it there in a friend’s car 10 minutes before it started. I sucked. My voice shook the whole time during the reading. I didn’t remember to breathe correctly. Can we just focus on how most people just breathe and it’s fine and they don’t think about it, but I forget how to breathe correctly sometimes? Can we focus on that? Ok, let’s move on. We focused on it, we digested it, and now it’s time to move on. It’s not that I’m upset that I embarrassed myself in front of people — I’m used to that. I’m upset that I know I can do something well, but my brain and my body won’t let me. It’s so frustrating. I’m not used to my nerves getting in my way. I’m okay with being anxious. I don’t mind it. It’s me. It doesn’t feel good when it gets in the way of my life like this, though. So, okay, is it time to try to fix it? Is it time to grow up now? The nervous, bumbling girl thing is only so endearing for so long. I’m 24 now and I should start acting like I have the confidence of someone who has been around for 24 years. I know I have a lot to learn and that it’s another year before my brain is even fully developed, but it’s time to stop walking around with a permanent nervous “sorry” attached to the end of every sentence, with a permanent gloss of nervous sweat on my face, with a permanent nervous laugh as a response to anything another person says.
But, you know, what can you do. My car overheated, but my friend let me drive hers there. I sucked at my reading, but everyone was really nice. I forgot my license, but didn’t get carded when I ordered my beer with dinner. Or my other beer with dinner. My car needed antifreeze and my friends helped me put it in because I don’t know what a radiator looks like. My car then gushed out radiator fluid, but my friend let me use his AAA. So I had no way home, but my friend drove me back.
I’m really lucky. I think maybe bad things need to happen to me so I can remember that every once in awhile.
Christina was great and lovely (as expected!) and just started her Kickstarter for her books. It’s a really cute graduation gift if you know someone else who will begin their job search this year. Plus my name is on the back for a little endorsement blurb, which is cool to see. Really, you should buy two and feature both the adorable cover with Christina’s name on the left side of a prominent shelving unit in your house and the back with my name on the right side of the same shelf. Keep it zen.
