When you are on vacation with people, or even just a weekend away, or even just getting ready to go out for the night, and you are the only person who is putting on make up, what does that say about you?
Does it say absolutely nothing? Does it scream insecurity? I’ll buck right the fuck up to insecurity charges. My face is textured with acne pitting! I can’t stop stating that because sometimes I can’t believe how fucking terrible it looks, especially in sunlight. THAT IS THE WORST PART ABOUT THIS ISRAEL TRIP. I’m going to be out in so much sun, which will highlight all of the wonderful sinkholes on my cheek!
It does feel weird to wear make up when you won’t be seen by anyone but a defined and accounted for group of human beings who you really aren’t trying to impress, aside from the usual ol’ “oh-god-what-can-I-do-or-say-that-would-have-you-constantly-validate-that-you-like-me” anxiety I’ve felt with every human and, yeah okay, canine creature I’ve met since I was about 10.
I don’t know.
2 years ago I found myself sitting stoned in an arpartment with a couple of young women who showed me what shrooms looked like and then put their dreads in thick, braided ponytails. I took out my compact to powder my face the same moment one showed me how long her leg hair was (on purpose, was the kicker for me) and I felt so self conscious. I felt like an asshole, really. I sat there stunned, brush in hand, and I realized that about a decade earlier, I sat in a room full of fellow 12 year old girls who were playing with make up and I didn’t want to participate. I felt weird for not wearing make up.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to do something as humanly simple and common as wear make up without wondering if people are judging me for doing so.
(I DON’T EVEN WEAR A LOT OF MAKE UP.)