Wait, what.

An Open Letter to Crest:

Crest,

Fuck you.

I bought two of your mouthwashes the day I moved into my new place. Two of them. This is how dedicated I have become to turning it all around. Every Monday I attempt to turn it all around, and by Tuesday I have inevitably failed. This has been true since I was 14, no matter the goals I set for myself. Every Monday I’m a new person, and every Tuesday that new person fails, regressing back to the old person. I even get a little bit worse. Every Tuesday, for a solid decade, I have worsened as a human being.

But on the first of this month, I moved out of my house for the first time. What a perfect opportunity to finally turn it all around for real. I started by buying your expensive mouth wash, even though I don’t have the money. I just figured I should throw down big bucks because part of turning it all around for me is maintaining my great teeth.

Okay, I lied. I don’t have great teeth. They’re shaped kind of weird. But they’re very straight for someone who has never had braces, and I take pride in whitening them constantly. Granted, I don’t have Ben Affleck levels of whiteness because I stick to OTC products, but they are white enough.

So I bought your whitening mouthwash in addition to your Pro Health mouth wash.

To be honest, as diligent as I am about my dental hygiene, I very rarely swish twice a day. Some days I don’t even use a mouthwash at all. But because I was turning it all around, I stuck with it. Every morning and night, swish swish swish swish swish spit.

The first night I used the whitening mouth wash, I developed painful white spots on my gums. Then they swelled. I’m of the belief that when a product hurts me, it means it’s working. This is one of the many times this belief has hurt me. You think I would learn, but I don’t. Next Monday, when I try to turn it all around, I will work on that.

So I continued to use it, my gums eventually became only kind of swollen and I ignored the pain on my tongue, until I couldn’t. Which is when I switched to the Pro Health.

I used it twice, Crest. I used the Pro Health twice and now I don’t have any sense of taste left on most of my tongue. I can taste things on the back of my tongue. The only things I have been eating have been produce and granola bars since I moved (part of turning it all around), so I didn’t even mind. If I can’t taste spinach, I’m not really missing out on much. But last night I went to Fire and Ice, which is this delicious/disgusting place where you put a million different types of food into a bowl and watch people cook it in front of you as they flip it in the air.

Crest, I couldn’t taste shrimp because of you. And now I hate you. And I’m not the only one. Google tells me you have ruined many taste buds. How are you still on the market? Which of your products have done this to me? I’m guessing both. I’m guessing both of them did.

I paid $16.99 for a bunch of shrimp that tasted the same as my broccoli and water.

You’re a terrible company, and the second my taste buds are healed (or… grow back… or… I MEAN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MY TASTE BUDS) I’m going to shave the tongues of your highest paid workers. Try to taste shrimp then, assholes.