Wait, what.

I'm really embarrassed about blogging. You would think I would quit this, but I can't. It's like that movie about that gay cowboy and that other gay cowboy and how they want to quit each other, but they can't. It's like that with me and my blog. We're just two metaphorical gay cowboys who don't have the ability to quit each other. Except my blog doesn't have the ability to quit me, so it's even more depressing. It's just me, one metaphorical gay cowboy, not being able to quit an inanimate object. I'm not gay and I'm not a cowboy, but I think you get what I mean. Heath Ledger was so hot in that movie. I write for a hip, cool site over at HelloGiggles because I am a hip, cool person. Just kidding. I don't know why they asked me to write for them. I'm also an LOL tag editor for Tumblr, so that is also a fact about me. You're welcome!



If you're into it, you can start by reading my posts about Mrs. Coco T, pleasure yourself to Super Close-Ups of Christopher Meloni, or really get to the root of how much of a mess I am by reading about Things That Shouldn't Give Me Anxiety, But Do. Or like, whatever. Just do whatever. I don't know how to do blogs. I don't know what you're here for.

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How To Watch a Comedy At the Theaters While High

Step 1: Wake up before noon.

Step 2: Congratulations, you woke up before noon.

Step 3: Call one of your other friends who smoke pot and hope they are awake before noon

Step 4: Make plans to meet at the movie theater.

Step 5: Congratulations, you made it to the movie theater.

Step 6: Get high in your car.

Step 7: Get out of the car

Step 8: Congratulations, you made it out of the car.

Step 9: Try not to have a panic attack when you try to calculate whether or not the person behind you is far enough behind you to warrant you not holding the door without looking like an asshole. 

Step 10: Purchase ticket, remind yourself that the 16 year old behind the counter doesn’t care if you’re high or not.

Step 11: Carefully keep track of where you put your ticket

Step 12: Chocolate covered peanuts, duh.

Step 13: Approach usher, panic when you realize that you misplaced your ticket

Step 14: Thank the usher for having pity upon your soul and letting you through on your good word alone

Step 15: Sit down and try to figure out what happened during the first 15 minutes that you missed.

Step 16: Find your ticket, in your hand. 

BONUS HINTS:

  • Don’t assume the people in the movie theater are collectively laughing at your hair every 15 minutes. They are probably laughing at the funny movie on the screen in front all of you.
  • It’s okay to eat the peanuts, I’m pretty sure they are not loud enough to illicit verbal abuse from your movie-going peers for being a loud cruncher.
  • You’re going to space out for most of the movie anyway no matter how good it is, why are you even here? Stay home and sleep past noon.
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